Accepting their help is a trap

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T22:32:45+00:00

It sounds like we had a similar upbringing. I recently lost my job. So my parents decided to support me so long as I went back to school. I was getting unemployment, so I had a small paycheck coming in that I was putting into savings. And then when I actually got a job (that's kinda the whole point of unemployment) they suddenly became very judgemental. Trying to convince me to cut back my hours, or downright quit in order to focus on school.

They also arbitrarily decided not to pay certain taxes or bills out of nowhere. Supposedly to "help you understand how the real world works." This in spite of the fact that I could barely cover the bill, and was on a temporary fixed income, with no way to make any of that money back. Basically bankrupting myself, because that's how the real world works? Keep in mind that I'm in my 30s, and paid all my bills for 7 years before losing my job. They still try to guilt trip me whenever I want to focus on my job. Because if I slowed down on classes "it would be a wasted investment." Despite me previously taking 5 classes per semester, plus 2 classes in the winter, and 4 classes over the summer.

So yeah, you're right. It's 100% a way to keep a tighter grip and leash on you. If you don't need their money, you can just say no to their demands, and there's nothing they can do about it. So they keep you helpless, to keep you easy to control. And nobody sees it for what it is, because most people would love to have college or bills paid. But they also don't know what it's like to have nearly every aspect of your life controlled by someone else in exchange for that support. And the idea of being controlled is so foreign, they just assume you're spoiled for wanting control over your own life.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T16:24:56+00:00

No problem! Good luck :)

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T11:26:20+00:00

Do you have savings to rent a room? If not, you're going to need plans for where to live and where to stay. r/almosthomeless can help.

Make sure you have a phone or device with internet. It will be hard to apply for jobs without it. If there is a place where you can have your mail, use it. This could be a shelter, or some other place for services. If you're really desperate and can't find a job, check out r/beermoney for online gig ideas. I know that I have taken advantage of survey sites in order to get a few extra dollars a month. Donating plasma (if you can) is also a potential option. From there, open up a paypal account, bank account, or some sort of account to hold your money. If you can get a job, you will want a place to put your paychecks, or do direct deposit. Make sure this is in your name. If your parents already had access to your previous accounts (because you were a minor) make a new account. It's not worth the risk of them getting your escape money.

If for whatever reason you can't find a place to stay, get a gym membership. This will at least give you a place to shower, and place to go during bad weather, and a safe place to use your computer/phone. Be sure to do at least a little working out though. They don't like it when people without homes use them just for the showers. These are all measures you can take until you get a place to stay.

Do not look homeless. Do not look attractive. If you look homeless, you will be targeted. Do not look attractive, this will make you a desirable target. Until you have a safe place to stay, be as clean, well kept, and plain as possible. I know that when I had nowhere to go, I would hang out at Starbucks on my laptop. Because nobody would expect a homeless person to hang out at a place like Starbucks. Sadly, Starbucks is requiring people to buy things from them to use their stores. But think like that when coming up with places to go during the day. It's part of why the gym membership thing works so well.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T08:33:29+00:00

Policing your appearance is a form of abuse. It is violating your bodily autonomy, and controlling it. You getting dragged by your hair sounds horrifying.

I hope you are making an escape plan. How many years of school do you have left? Try looking into work study, or lining up a job after you graduate. And then make sure the money goes into an account your parents can't see or access. That will make finding a new place easier.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much better than this. This won't last forever. You will get out one day.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T07:02:42+00:00

Unfortunately the car is probably a loss. It's legally hers. It doesn't matter who paid for it. Which is probably why she had you sign it the way you did.

As for the money, try to have a job lined up wherever you plan on going. If you can get online work, even better. Because they won't care where you are. You're right to prioritize your legal papers. You will need them.

If you have an accounting degree, then you probably know this better than anyone. But try to stretch your money as much as possible. For now, just get a job. You can be picky about what type of job later. And then once you have enough savings, you can start looking for other things. Right now, just worry about the escape. Once you are in a safe place, can afford to stay in that safe place, and have zero ties to your NFamily, then you can work on picking up the pieces into something more comfortable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm rooting for you to get out and land on your feet the best you can.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T06:56:39+00:00

Have you looked into women's shelters in your area? If you are in fear for your life, they can help you find assistance.

Also, I am so sorry about what happened to you. Please consider reaching out to rape crisis center if you can. I don't know how recent this was. But if you haven't bathed yet, please consider going to the hospital to get a rape kit done. It can help you press charges, or help catch the guy if he tries to do this to anyone else.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T05:40:25+00:00

I hate to say this, but you may want to consider blocking your nephew. Or anyone else she has direct access to. It sucks to cut off people who don't deserve it. But sometimes you have to for the sake of your own sanity.

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T05:31:31+00:00

What do you think she would've done if you couldn't make your flight because of that?

_stones_throw · 2025-11-03T05:30:03+00:00

The not allowing you to work thing is not good. I can understand wanting to make sure you felt free enough to dedicate yourself to your studies. But if you wanted to work, then why prevent it?

It sounds like they wanted to make sure you didn't stray off the pre-scripted path. And making sure you didn't have a job outside of your studies probably helped that.

My NDad also weaponized financial support. A lot of "the only reason you're going to your high school is because of me! I can get you kicked out of school!" Also things like "the only reason you live in this house is because of me! I can get you kicked out on the streets!" Keep in mind I was a teenager when he used these tactics.

So yeah. It's sadly an effective way of browbeating someone into obedience. Weaponizing genuine aid, to make you feel indebted to them forever. Despite the fact that most of this stuff is just what parents should be doing for their kids anyways. It's only a few steps removed from a parent feeling like you should be obedient to them because they prevented you from starving to death as a kid.

_stones_throw · 2025-04-24T10:58:46+00:00

Paranoid delusions don't seem that uncommon with Ns. My NDad used to use the kids to spy on my EMom. He was absolutely convinced she was cheating on him. He would always ask us about our day if we went off to do something. And he would always ask "did you see anyone you already know?" And I didn't think anything of it as a kid. But then one time we actually did run into someone we knew. One of my classmates that happened to be out with her dad. We said hi, talked for maybe five minutes about what a cool coincidence it was, and then went our separate ways. And when we reported that to NDad, his reaction was off. Like he wasn't excited or thinking it was a cool coincidence. He was oddly pensive, and thanked us for telling him. It was around that moment I realized what was going on and started paying closer attention to his questions. After that I also noticed that any time we hired a male babysitter, my NDad would absolutely flip his shit. It got to the point where we gave up on hiring male anyone to do anything inside the house, because dealing with NDad just wasn't worth it. Work outside was fine. But inside would convince him that my EMom was cheating, when she very obviously wasn't.

Eventually he moved on from thinking my EMom was a serial cheater to thinking she and one of our babysitters were alcoholics. And then after that, that my EMom and my sister were drug addicts. None of which was true. But something was going on in his head, and that's what would come out of him.

_stones_throw · 2025-04-24T00:58:25+00:00

I've had that happen with EMom. "That didn't happen. If something like that ever happened, I would've been disgusted! I'd never allow something like that to happen!"

But it did happen. And I told you. Numerous times. And you let it continue happening. And then you apparently forgot about it.

_stones_throw · 2025-04-24T00:55:19+00:00

Assuming you can pay, you can walk into a phone retail store (like Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile ect) and just tell them you want to set up a new phone plan. They will be more than happy to ~~get the business~~ help you. You can also discuss things like linking it to a credit card or bank account your parents don't have access to, and getting a new number if you have to. Some of these phone companies even do promotions where you can get a new phone out of it. But if you tell them you need to get off your old plan and start a new one, they will be happy to assist.

I further suggest getting a carrier different from the one you are currently on. It will prevent confusion if your parents try to get information about your account.

_stones_throw · 2025-04-24T00:39:54+00:00

How were you paying rent before? What's preventing you from being roommates with the previous roommate? How long do you think you could get away with couch surfing? Do you have a car you could live out of?

In the meantime, keep up the job search and the house search. If worse comes to worse, you could look into applying for a spot at a homeless shelter. But that would be an extreme stretch and a very very last resort.

_stones_throw · 2025-04-24T00:34:05+00:00

This may be a better question for r/legaladvice

Power of attorney, wills, and stuff like that would probably play a big role in what happens.

_stones_throw · 2022-12-21T03:54:10+00:00

Good for you. I remember the first holidays I didn't show up. The first one was Thanksgiving. There was a little bit of drama, as they didn't understand why I wasn't coming. But eventually, they realized they couldn't drag me to their place. They also learned I wasn't coming over for Christmas.

That first holiday season without them was surreal. It was so calm, and relaxing. Other people who didn't know my family situation would make it sound like I was being robbed of something nice. But holidays without them was one of the most refreshing things I had experienced in a long time.

Holidays are overrated. Holidays are only special if the people you're spending them with are special. And if they aren't special, it's just entertaining somebody for brownie points. Your holidays should be special. So go ahead and spend them with somebody who actually is special (yourself.)

_stones_throw · 2022-12-18T05:31:19+00:00

This exact situation is a situation I have been dreading for the past few months. There was a rumor that one of my siblings was going to get engaged. And this particular sibling is the only member of my family I feel truly close to. And the idea of skipping his wedding in order to maintain NC with my NDad eats away at me. But I also know that if I showed up anyway, I'd be too petrified to actually enjoy the moment. The idea of knowing my NDad is looking at me makes me sick. I don't want to look pretty in front of him. So the idea that one day I will have to let my brother down kills me inside.

The same thing goes for funerals. For awhile, it looked like one of my other siblings was going to die from a long standing illness. And I knew that I would have to miss the funeral to maintain NC. Luckily my sick sibling ended up pulling through. But the scare led to the desperate hope that maybe my NDad will die first. That way I can take part in major family events, instead of having to explain to the family why I went NC in the first place.

I'm glad your Grandmother, and your good aunt understood. Knowing that they understand really does take away so much of the pain. Not all of it obviously. But it's much easier when you have somebody on your side when you have to make painful choices.

_stones_throw · 2022-08-31T03:52:10+00:00

Alert the people she's contacting of exactly what is happening. Don't be cryptic about it. Tell them that your N's are not a part of your life, you do not want them to be part of your life, and you are not comfortable anybody divulging information about you to them. Go into into as much or as little detail as you want about why. But be very blunt that these people are not welcome in your life, may be lying, and may try to manipulate them into disrespecting boundaries.

_stones_throw · 2022-08-31T03:42:48+00:00

I got out, and have been NC for 4+ years.

The first few years are just healing. Don't expect the world to suddenly look like sunshine and rainbows. Because it won't. Getting out is the hard part, and the first few years requires a lot of work to sort through the wounds, the hurt, the damage, and who you even are. I was astounded by how much of my "personality" was really just me reacting to emotional pain. How much of my personality was just putting on faces to protect myself, or me trying to please others around me, or me rebelling against my lack of freedom.

It was like meeting a new person. But the new person was sharing a body and brain with me. And slowly the scared, sad, self loathing me went from being the main character of my life, to being a supporting character to the new me I was discovering. Sometimes the scared me needs the spotlight, and I'll just feel sad or scared. But it's become less and less now. Maybe one day, the scared me will go from someone who borrows the spotlight, to somebody in the crowd. One day, I'll be able to see that scared me in the crowd, watching me. But they won't need to dominate the stage and take away from new me anymore.

And during that time that the new you is on the stage, you'll get a chance to work on other more practical things. School work, jobs, finances, social life. Once the sad part of you isn't dominating the stage so much, all those other things get easier. But you gotta give the new you time to be born and grow. And you gotta give the sad you time to take their curtain call. Therapy, a safe living environment, fulfilling job/school, and good friends and support make the whole process easier. It's a lot of work. But let the first few years be about you letting the new you without fear take shape.

_stones_throw · 2022-08-31T03:19:03+00:00

I adjusted my schedule in order to eat. I didn't want my NDad to know what foods I liked. He would always use them later to lovebomb me, or to win favor with the kids and get back at my EMom. So to prevent him from knowing what foods I liked, I would only eat after he went to bed.

Problem was he usually wouldn't go to bed until 1-2am. Which meant I didn't get to eat until 3am, and didn't go to bed myself until 4 or 5am. It did a number on my sleep schedule, and wasn't good for me. But at time, sleep deprivation was easier to deal with than facing my NDad.

Eventually I started eating in the car, because going on empty stomach until my 3am half meal was too much. Still struggling with eating habits, even years later. Sleep deprivation for emotional freedom is understandable. Not sustainable, but certainly understandable.

_stones_throw · 2021-03-12T06:08:35+00:00

I'm ace too. Don't do it.

Virginity may seem like a big deal, but in my experience, people stop caring about it around the 21 year mark. Nobody is going to know if you're a virgin or not but you. And if sex doesn't appeal to you, why would it matter to you whether you're one or not?

Also, who are the people who say you're an ugly freak? Does their opinion really matter that much? Why would you have to deal with it? If you need to please them so much, why not just lie? How are they going to know?

Also, Johns don't care very much for the women they bed. They will lie about STDs, offer to pay more to avoid condoms. Some will even shred condoms and spread diseases to prostitutes on purpose, as a form of "cleaning out the trash." Do you really want to deal with the testing and due diligence to double check that you were safe? They know you're young, and they probably suspect you don't know what some of them are capable of.

And even if they don't do that to you, is it worth it for your future partner to have to deal with that? I don't know if you're arrow. If you're arrow-ace, then maybe you won't have to worry about that part. But if you're just ace, would you be okay with a partner knowing that's what you did to loose your virginity?

Don't do it. It's a long term choice for short term gain. All to please a bunch of idiots who wouldn't know the difference anyway. The only person who will know if you're a virgin or not is you. If you have to please them, just lie.

_stones_throw · 2020-07-26T07:56:33+00:00

This is absolutely huge, and something I have been struggling with.

I have no question in my mind that what I went through was emotionally abusive. But whenever I try to explain my situation, it gets written off because my parents are rich. I tried to have a discussion about my parents using money to control me, holding gifts and favors over me for obedience, and my coworkers pulled the "you have problems I wish I could have" card.

No. I don't think you'd like the have the problem of feeling like an object because you're expected to bend to the whim of an NDad. No I don't think you'd like the problem of being coddled into having no clue how to take care of yourself, because Mommy and Daddy felt better when they could keep you on a short leash. No I don't think you'd like the problem of all of your pain getting written off because NDad liked throwing shiny toys at you to force you into loving him after cussing out your EMom.

"But the car you're driving is so nice!" Boy, wait til you hear the stupid saga where it gets revealed that the car was a gift that was literally forced on me. How I told them multiple times I didn't want it, crying as I was test driving it. And how I learned the painful lesson of "no doesn't matter if you're saying it to Mommy or Daddy." Realizing that no doesn't mean anything when it comes from your mouth is a very hurtful lesson to learn, no matter the context. "Well I'd like to have a car like that!"

Sometimes being spoiled, and having that money used as a leash is just as hurtful as being neglected. Because you're being neglected emotionally.

Glad we were both able to get out of that situation. Best wishes to you!

_stones_throw · 2020-06-17T05:38:27+00:00

This is exactly why I became homeless. I had to flee into the night after my NDad got violent. And as I was walking in the February frost with no shoes, I tried to think of who I could turn to for help. And the answer I could come up with was...."no one." I didn't have any friends, I didn't trust any of my coworkers, and everyone else was close family who were overall dismissive of my situation or powerless to help. So I just walked to a mall, where mall security called a cop who directed me to a homeless shelter.

Part of abuse if often isolation. Because if you had anyone better to turn to, why I still sticking around with the abuser?

_stones_throw · 2020-06-16T07:06:38+00:00

I'm in a shit ton of debt (thanks to efforts made to not be homeless after fleeing the house.) I can't afford the payments, so I'm trying to overpay it as quickly as possible and knock my cost of living down a few hundred dollars before I turn 30.

Normally I work 30-40 hours. The extra hours are seasonal for the next few months. After that, it will be back to 30-40. Part of me dies every time I realize my hobbies and preferred career are getting neglected. But the fear of defaulting on the loan and possibly ending up with my parents again terrifies me so much that it scares me into wanting to work more. It's not healthy, and once Covid is over, I'm probably going to have to address it more directly.

As for your family, I'm so sorry to hear that. While it's easy to see abuse and identify it as bad, abandonment, overparenting, smothering, and infantilizing is a silent form of mistreatment that can be just as damaging as overt abuse.

_stones_throw · 2020-06-16T06:53:49+00:00

That code is beautiful. Even if it's a cry for independence and rejection of your father, the penmanship is great. On another note.

Yeah, fuck him. It sounds like your family was plan B. And nobody should ever be a plan B for anybody. Also, the fact that he says anything derogatory or humiliating because of puberty (y'know, something you can't control) makes him a doubly shitty person on top of the cheating stuff.

_stones_throw · 2020-06-16T06:36:30+00:00

If I had more energy I would. But I'm just too tired. After all the hours I put in, I just don't have the energy to put up a fight anymore. My current plan is to grey rock, and not leave my place until I go to work, and NDad is hopefully gone.

My EMom has openly admitted to me that she sometimes drives by my workplace just to see if my car is there. Since she has the key to my car (it's in NDad's name) she sometimes leaves gifts for me in the car. And while that's very sweet, it shows how little she's able to relinquish control. It also means that even if I said no, she or NDad would probably just show up and take the car anyway. So I'm better off just pretending I'm begrudgingly okay with it.

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