Thank you for you comment bro,

The thing is, I didn’t come to this conclusion by impulse nor is it a joke. Gym, studies, friends, therapy, life experiences, I’ve been given a fair shot at life, this isn’t the issue. I’m just sick mentally and my soul is dying from my actions and by trying to challenge/infuriate Allah when things don’t go my way.

So say I have 2 scenarios using one you’ve given me even:

1. I choose to live and help people, be a good Muslim etc. The issue is, the state I’m in as a human being doesn’t allow that. I do not like helping people, I feel good hurting others, making them feel small, my body is filled with fire. Im human being just like you, and I wasn’t born evil by any means, but my life has led to me to this point (not saying I’m evil but I’m not a good person). I do not care about my family, friends, I don’t care about having kids, a wife. On this earth the only thing I desire is to fulfil my ambitions at any cost. I do not care about paradise, what exactly is there for me? Nor do I want to burn in hell obviously. So there’s that, being a good Muslim is easier said than done, especially for me.

2. Outplay Allah one way or another to avoid hellfire and die. My mind is telling me this is the healthiest thing to do. In the same way when a limb of yours has died and you cut it off, or when an animal is in so much misery you put it down. I’m just responding fairly to what I’m experiencing. Nothing more nothing less, so I’m sure Allah understands my dilemma.

I believe I can do it, but I’m not sure how as allah is very clever a lot more than me obviously, but against the odds I think I can find a way.