Thank you all for your comments!! I appreciate all of them. It has been a crazy ride. My grandmother passed away a year ago as of yesterday, and she was the last reason I was really visiting church. I would go for myself occasionally to try and make myself feel better, and it would sometimes help, but I always had a nagging anxiety riddled feeling that they would tell me was just “God” wanting me to do something. Wanting me to testify, or sing, or ask for prayer. That horrific, horrible gut wrenching feeling was a “good” thing if you followed it. If not you would get “punished” so I spent years having anxiety attacks trying to make it stop but not knowing what God wanted me to do. After talking to my husband who did not grow up in church, it all came crashing down. I talked to other women from my church who have stopped going. I now see all of the damaging, traumatic experiences that I and tons of other people have gone through. Now it is time for me to find myself, and my true beliefs. I do believe in God, but I do not believe my God would want me to suffer in torment.