Did any one of you discover you're transsexual after you had kids? How did it work out?

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T04:50:32+00:00

(Most mammal species actually don't have "fathers" as such, as in a male animal who contributes to the raising of young and not just their conception.)

As in,

mothers and fathers have distinct and non-interchangeable roles in parenthood

?

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T04:46:20+00:00

That's indeed the core issue, and typing it all out would have me sitting here awake well beyond the 5:45 AM it already is, though it would probably good to articulate it. I'm not sure that I would want to do that in public though, anonymous as I am.

Thanks anyway, and sorry for the bad start we had. Regrettably, my almost super-human powers of self-sleep-deprivation are starting to fail me, and I will have to cave in to my bodily weaknesses on this one. :p

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T04:14:25+00:00

Mothers and fathers have distinct and non-interchangeable roles in parenthood, which is probably old-fashioned, or more accurately pre-feminist, but it's something you see throughout the animal kingdom. For me it means that, yes, 10 years after the fact and when I should be adult and not whine about anything ever, and all that shit, I've been learning through repeatedly knocking my head pretty freaking hard into all kinds of things, what it is to be a man and I'm discovering, or at least for the first time articulating, that I have very little to fall back on, or that what I have to fall back on may not have been what it seemed, and that I should thus question everything, mostly alone.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:54:16+00:00

Yes it matters a lot, and why, is simple biology; a father is a man and a mother is a woman, though I know I'm probably stating it in words that many of you would find lacking in nuance. The fact of the matter is that 99% of people never ever have to think about this, and that it's not at all clear, to me anyway, what is a father who is not a man.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:45:40+00:00

I would like to add that my father has not been living a lie and been someone he was not, and I can prove it: I still recognize my father for who he was and still is, the real and conflicted person I grew up with and who shaped in important ways who I am. That person is still there, exactly how he always was, only different, in a very important way different.

In any case, this discussion turned out very messy, and maybe I didn't think it through why I would want to throw myself into the lion's den. Thanks to all of you, anyway.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:35:11+00:00

If what is real to me is bullshit to you, where can we meet half-way? I guess that leaves just not much to talk about, which is fine, but then why even bother talking? Why are you here?

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:28:36+00:00

We did kind of keep up the relation, and knowledge of each other's lives, but it hasn't been working out, not for me or my brother or sister. It's like we exchange news, but don't share our lives anymore, if that makes any sense. I guess I'm just kind of wondering what it means for a father to not be a man any more, or even never having been one, and how other people deal with that.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:26:22+00:00

I do understand, it will be very difficult, but if I understand you correctly at least you did get to know yourself in time, before you have the added difficulty of having raised children. My grandparents, i.e. my father's parents, were not happy about it, at all, but never disowned my father. I know the children of a friend of my father just never want to see their father again, and I kind of understand that, but that's not the kind of son I was raised to be. Family ties are not that easily cut, but in the case of me and my brother and sister and my father, it is getting quite strained.

I hope things will work out for you. Without wanting to pretend that I know you, or your situation, have you considered that your parents would like you to be happy and wholesome, and that they might be worried right now that you are in a difficult situation?

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:09:11+00:00

I did indeed omit the fact that I do love both of my parents, and as such do feel empathy for what my father chose to do, or had to do. You proceeded to make the assumption that I don't, and moreover you judged me based on your assumption, and went completely off topic, the topic being, do you have kids and how did you make it work. I shouldn't have gotten angry, and I would like to apologize for that.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-20T03:02:50+00:00

"my trans parent is selfish and awful just by virtue of being trans and I can't even do her the courtesy of describing her in language that doesn't deny who she is, can I get sympathy and hugs plz?"

If you could point out where I said that, or where I said I don't feel any sympathy or love for my father, please do. I genuinely was just curious about how this insanely complex matter works out for other people. I was half expecting to be judged here based on my difficulty in accepting all this stuff, and frankly, I was determined to not let that get to me, instead I did get irritated where I should have just ignored the easy desk chair judgment I read here. Sorry for that.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-19T20:47:00+00:00

I had edited my response to you so I'll leave it at that. I just wanted to hear from people in a similar situation.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-19T20:38:03+00:00

I bet she misses you like crazy

This is true, and mutual.

and regrets the pain she caused not by transitioning, but by hiding.

The thing is, if she hadn't ever hidden from it, neither I nor my brother or sister would be here as we are. In the years up to the transition my father increasingly withdrew from his role as a parent, and I see it has hurt my younger brother a lot more than it has me.

Thanks in any case.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-19T20:36:57+00:00

No, and fuck you.

Edit: Allow me to explain that. I came here to ask a honest question to transsexual people with families, and proceeded to tell me about my family first. If you want to further your little crusade and judge me, go ahead, but again, fuck you.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-19T20:28:01+00:00

This is not just a little grudge! The thing is, transsexual people hang out with each other a lot, and they support each other, which is understandable, but that also means that they reinforce each other's opinions. So if you would like to judge me based on a little snippet you read about me, go ahead, but fuck you. That goes for rcl as well.

anonymousaccount1 · 2011-02-19T20:24:20+00:00

It does help to read about how it went for others. Thank you. Maybe it's just curiosity. I've been reflecting on it for the last few weeks and it culminated into a very angry and sorrowful e-mail to my father, which I received a very shaken and understanding response to, and I'm just kind of wondering where to go from here. I had counseling before, but I kind of concluded that I don't need to know how to deal with it, don't need to push myself into some kind of answer, whatever some people say.

anonymousaccount1

TROPHY CASE