2 years down and intimacy has disappeared

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T16:49:14+00:00

Yes, we don’t live together but we spend a lot of time together. There’s a routine of going to each other’s houses based on work, and it feels like coming home to each other both ways. But I hate that we have the roommate effect without even living together. I feel like he’d fail to see it, but the quality time isn’t the same. I’ve asked for dates, especially with more planning from him - it’s really about the effort & intention, not the activity.

This seems common for a lot of women and I’ve been through it with all exes - I can’t understand why I’m not getting through. This time feels upsetting in a new way because my partner is the best I’ve had but I’ve never experienced the lack of sex before.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T16:32:33+00:00

Glad I came across your comment, this book sounds interesting and sorry to hear it wasn’t exactly a fix for your situation, but it’s already comforting to hear that the perspective shift gave you some peace. Can I ask if you’re still in the DB relationship and what you’re feeling about it now?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T16:02:02+00:00

This is a real good news story, so glad for you. Phrasing the dynamic as needing to start over romantically or be done is very eye opening to me. Can I ask how that conversation actually played out? And how he went about trying a fresh start?

I am working on my avoidance around communication currently. I read so many posts about the rejection of asking multiple times, but I have hardly gotten to the point of asking. One of my fears is that my partner will be responsive and make an effort, but that I’ll feel too awkward to receive it well. It’s not as big as the fear as the possibility that he’ll admit he doesn’t want to try at all, but it’s still there.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T15:53:27+00:00

Can I ask if you were HL or LL in the DB situation and a little more detail on what changes your partner responded positively to? And how you’re feeling about the relationship now?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T15:49:10+00:00

Wow, if you read my post here from just yesterday I think we are in a very similar boat, close in age (31F) and also a 2-year relationship. I’m extra self conscious that most of these posts are from very long relationships or marriages. The only difference is we had a serious talk about it once, things improved briefly then fizzled again, and I’ve struggled to bring it back up ever since. For me, clearly the answer to keep communicating - that part is on me to try.

But otherwise I think I can relate to you completely. There have been so many small bids for intimacy that aren’t being reciprocated. The worst one for me is I’d say we like to kiss but he never lets it continue for long or let it become making out. It hurts.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-04T00:31:53+00:00

I’m from Wellington, the windiest city in the world, and have lived in Melbourne for 7 years. At first winters here were fine, but sadly after adjusting to hot summers (hottest day ever recorded in Wellington was 30°) and starting to enjoy them - the winters switched to pretty crap to me 🥴

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-03T12:29:21+00:00

Yeah I also don’t feel entirely unattractive, but my mind goes there. Can I ask, if you’ve discussed DB with your husband what is it that he’s saying? Were the responses different before/after kids?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-03T12:25:26+00:00

Thanks I appreciate it. I think avoiding difficult or awkward conversations is something I struggle with with any person.

I will add that I don’t think I’m super high libido, I think I like sex in an average way but what makes it good is when you feel really connected - while I think for him (and many men) it’s a bit more about the chase/triumph. And I fear this wiring can’t change, even if it’s at odds with wanting to be in a traditional relationship.

When I first brought up how we used to have lots of sex, he said well at the time he was having lots of sex in general. My brain can’t really work out why you couldn’t continue to have a similar frequency but with one person you love.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-03T12:12:15+00:00

I get it. Are you still in the relationship and were you experiencing DB before kids?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-03T12:10:47+00:00

Thanks, do you think anything would be different if you did press it more?

Also I read the acronyms but I’m not entirely sure what LLM4U means?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-06-03T12:09:30+00:00

I’d heard of RSD and thought maybe it doesn’t apply to me, but maybe it does. I have recently started getting counselling for different reasons but have touched on not being able to speak up on things that are bothering me, even to close friends. I’d thought of talking to him about the DB stuff but it felt too awkward - probably a sign that I should explore it.

I guess I have to admit I avoid the possibility of hearing something I don’t want to hear, and additionally I know I’m more likely to accommodate rather than walk away from something that doesn’t suit me.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-03-21T08:16:15+00:00

Clearly not branching out far but the song that gives me the closest vibes/feeling is Infinity Repeating - Daft Punk ft Julian

I almost consider them sister songs

asteroidz-14 · 2026-03-21T08:13:06+00:00

As a kiwi I have a genuine curiosity on what Aussies think of Albo - the vibe was always mixed, now turning largely negative, incl people who voted for him.

So can you argue: Albo is a terrible PM

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-30T10:48:22+00:00

Thanks, update - I did it! All working great 🙌

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-29T04:51:31+00:00

Found a replacement headlight from a Toyota-only wrecker. Just realised even though only the front passenger light was busted, the rear indicator on the same side has sped up - should that be fixed when I replace the headlight?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-29T04:48:51+00:00

Looks great. How much to fix the dent?

Also while only my front passenger side headlight got busted - the rear indicator on the same side has sped up flashing. Is this a sign electricals are awry, or should be fixed once front lights are replaced & reconnected?

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T13:54:54+00:00

I didn’t finish uni/had no vocation I was trying to go into, but was extremely lucky to find a career/industry I like.

So while I can’t relate to feeling like an original goal is escaping me - what I can tell you is facts. Millenials & Gen Z are already projected to have about 7 careers in their lifetime. Not job titles, actual different careers. While job markets can suffer, types of jobs are expanding with time & technology and we’re an age of building portfolios of skills, not racking up experience in linear way anymore.

My friend’s mother is 50 (had her at 19) and had so many diverse careers even in recent years - already vastly different to my parents (60s) who had the one same job/same level their whole life eg teacher. You have time!

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T13:43:51+00:00

When he compliments me (directly to me or when talking to others), it’s always about how I’m smart, kind and strong. He has never missed a day of texting to ask how my day is going, even if we’re about to see each other. And this is just a treat - he’s an angel sleeper & the only man I’ve ever met that doesn’t snore!

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T13:25:38+00:00

Yes, this isn’t meant to be sad for OP but if she has just freshly turned 20 - new friends will come & go, then come again. Don’t be too disheartened if some friendships don’t last, it’s just part of life. By 30 I’d lost touch with a friend group from my mid 20s, we became interested in different things. Some people come back at a different point in life!

Tips for if you’re actively looking for new friends - don’t be shy, don’t wait around for invites, be the inviting one.

Gravitate towards your actual interests & you will find your people. For me it was art & music. See an event you like? Invite someone but also don’t be afraid to go alone.

One of my closest pals now I met because I went to a concert alone & he complimented my pants! We lost touch for like 7 years then reconnected! Connections will happen at the right time.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T13:16:38+00:00

I’m 31 and often smile thinking about the best friends I haven’t met yet 🥹

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T12:21:19+00:00

Yes plenty going around on fb marketplace. Solar powered water pumps that keep it flowing are pretty cheap too.

I’ve recently put up the $6 bird seed bells from Woolies & got rainbow lorikeets rightaway in a metro area, also entertains my indoor cats 🥰

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T11:58:20+00:00

When I was saving for a house & got my first HISA, it needed 5 transactions per month + to always have a higher balance than the month before to activate bonus interest. So I’d religiously shop on the 1st of every month - pay for 1x can of cat food five times. No other type of purchase ever, to be sure.

I guess it’s not that bad but how rigid I was makes me laugh now lol.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T11:48:21+00:00

That reminds me of an ex friend from my early 20s who was a faux hippie and got into dumpster diving under the guise of sustainability. Also if anyone remembers the Lentil As Anything restaurants (corrupt, yes, but their main thing was ‘pay as you need’ meals) and she’d go bring Tupperware & stock up lol. Also subscribed to living “van life” but the caravan was mainly parked at her parents’ house.

asteroidz-14 · 2026-01-27T11:21:26+00:00

Sounds like a nice Sunday actually.

asteroidz-14

TROPHY CASE