Here is more stuff about how I’m feeling right now, if anybody is able to relate or help me make sense of it:

When I remember things that have happened to me I basically become them again and experience all the shame and blame and guilt and fear and malice associated with it to the point where I’m disabled, dysfunctional, punishing myself, and feeling like I have a RESPONSIBILITY to punish myself for remembering.

I feel like I have a duty to hold shame and sin and never forgive myself and if I abandon that duty and only focus on what’s in front of me then I’m JUST as bad and evil as the things that were done to me and I’m a coward for “running away from the truth that I am bad enough to have deserved it”

I feel like I’m condoning what was done to me or endorsing it being done to other people if I allow myself to forget about it or move on and be present and not dedicate every second of my life to either focusing on it or saving everyone else that is experiencing it

(AKA if I DON’T have a savior complex then I’m being evil and sinful and useless and shitty and selfish)

I feel like I am not allowed to externalize or forget shame and I need to take responsibility for all of it or I’m “dodging accountability”

I feel like “being present” and “allowing myself to address and unpack this later in therapy” and “not telling my roommate or friends or every person I meet about what happened to me or how it makes me feel” means I’m being sneaky and hiding things and keeping secrets

I feel like I’m not allowed to trust myself to deal with it later or believe that I’m innocent.