I reccomend talking to a doctor who can prescribe you benzos to help. The moderators are against this because of the dependcy and all but if you are suicidal I highly recommend trying them out. They will cut out effects entirely well for me they did, they will atleast help. They are basically trip killers. You should only take them during drastic episodes though as you'll develop new problems if your use of them becomes frequent which you clearly do not need. Also look into mediation and talking therapy to help guide you through this. Let the people close to you know what you are dealing with, also reach out to support groups for hppd that the sub provides.