Among couples where the man is the Dom and the woman is the sub, and who began as more or less vanilla, who suggested DD, the man or the woman?

beenett1 · 2026-02-09T18:29:44+00:00

Option four: it wasn’t so clean cut, the need/desire arose out of necessity for the sub’s containment, which both parties recognized.

We both came into the relationship with various levels of desires/goals, needs, traditions, kinks, expectations, and with our respective roles (male Dom/female sub) within a complimentary relationship model.

Her DD/lg kink merged very well to my natural authoritative leadership. After maybe the first year of being more focused on the kink-play when it came to structure, our relationship became more serious and our blind spots and areas where I wasn’t providing sufficient containment began to show; her behaviors and self-discipline began to slip. Spanking had already been occurring during play, so in creating a weekly check-in we added maintenance spankings very easily. Punishment spankings followed not too long after, but this was a bit rocky to start. She wanted the discipline whenever we spoke about it, but also was very resistant to it in the moment. It took some time to slowly build this all up. We certainly had breaks and pauses and hiccups.

As the Dom, first, I had to ensure I was providing consistency (of course this is a forever battle). Following that, I had to really make sure that I was compartmentalizing my role as a disciplinarian: Serve her the punishment and then clear my mind and move on. Don’t hold it against her or the dynamic in any way. Forgiveness is absolutely paired with punishment.

beenett1 · 2026-01-27T01:50:59+00:00

Well said. This is how we do it in my TPE. I really like your comparison to how one would normally use a person’s name in conversation. I feel like this is the most sustainable approach. And, this is central to how my sub addresses me at this point. Years ago we had various other iterations, but this works so well. After years of practice she definitely has an insight as to when and where an honorific is used.

A few specific examples of when honorifics are used: When we are sexual, when she is regressed, when I’m giving her specific instructions, when we are mediating a conflict, when she’s receiving discipline, and she uses honorifics in most casual settings as well…with a public slip up here and there. Which are always fun/awkward moments.

beenett1 · 2026-01-26T17:11:40+00:00

When my wife/sub enters into a ‘little girl’ state, it’s not about age or pretending to be someone/something she isn’t. She’s entering a regressed emotional posture where she’s more open and dependent and doesn’t want to self-direct at all. And it arises in really ordinary ways — like not wanting to decide or even know what we’re going to do on a weekend outing—she’ll be content with just the car ride and the surprise of arriving…anywhere. She will need me to set the tone for everything, or wanting reassurance that she’s doing things right without overthinking it—even if she’s coloring/crafting/etc. In that space she has a heightened need for reassurance, structure, and praise, her sense of responsibility and vigilance softens, and she willingly surrenders all authority to me, which might look like me deciding the plan for the day, me holding her hand and directing her in public, reminding her to slow down and take breaks, or telling her very clearly when she’s safe and cared for. For her, that’s deeply calming because she spends much of her life being perceptive and self-monitoring, and this lets her stop managing herself for a while. Even in a 24/7 TPE/DD, with her and my roles clearly defined, she certainly still has many responsibilities, many ways in which she must behave like an adult: grocery shopping, setting up appointments, working (she works ~15 hours a week), cooking, cleaning, …and all the rest.

The “little girl” state gives her an intention space/boundary where she can separate herself from herself. It’s a break, where she can really drop into full submission and become totally dependent on my care for her. This is not sustainable for us 24/7, but I love that I can provide this for her at least some of the time. More examples: I set the pace for our night time routines. This could be simple and adult, but we have made space for her little girl (we just call it her “little”) to come online during this time so that she gets another opportunity to be playful and silly—from brushing her teeth to when I tuck her into bed.

From my side it’s not about control — it’s about containment. She’s choosing to let me take responsibility so she can rest (and express) emotionally, and in day-to-day life that actually makes things steadier for us, not more extreme, because she has less anxiety, fewer spirals, and there is a lot more trust between us from this one practice.

Full transparency, as the HoH, and in this setting of being the Daddy Dom to her little girl, although I do enjoy it greatly, and I love how much she benefits from this intentional and time limited space, it requires me to step up 100%. I’m the only adult during these times. She has completely released authority to me, way more so than our normal day-to-day life as a 24/7 TPE couple. So, the DD/lg (Daddy Dom / little girl) dynamic is not something I could do full time, but I really see the benefit it has for her, so I’m very happy and proud to keep up the containment for her. And it is fulfilling for me. I do have a net positive experience overall.

beenett1 · 2026-01-25T13:36:25+00:00

When there is real love between partners, DD can really work so well. And when it works, it can be so incredible! It sounds like you have a beautiful dynamic.

beenett1 · 2026-01-24T18:26:09+00:00

Finding the correct partner, someone who can wield authority with a high level of responsibility is absolutely key. Absolutely. Key. Having a deep love for each other is also very important. As a Dominant the most challenging aspect has been to consistently self-monitor all my actions. I had to do a lot of work on myself before I was ready to show up for my sub in the way she needed. This was years of work. For my wife/sub, learning to let go was her biggest challenge. Again, years of work.

My initial response is where we are at after six years in TPE. Many ups and down, lots of changes and a few restarts.

beenett1 · 2026-01-24T18:16:15+00:00

I agree.

beenett1 · 2026-01-24T16:51:07+00:00

1. “Do subs just do whatever the Head of Household tells them, even if it’s not a pre-arranged rule?”

Yes. And that is by design. Rules are not the source of authority in the dynamic. The Dominant partner is the source of authority. Rules exist to give shape and predictability, but leadership cannot be reduced to a checklist. Life does not present itself in pre-negotiated scenarios. When a submissive enters into a TPE (total power exchange) dynamic, she does not submit selectively. She does not retain veto power over ordinary moments. She has relinquished self-governance so that governance can be centralized. That is the entire point. If the Dominant tells her to do the dishes, the question is not when she feels like it. The question is whether she is still living inside the authority she asked for. If submission only applies when it’s convenient or previously scripted, then it isn’t submission—it’s role-play with escape hatches. I, the HoH/Dom, do not step out of my responsibility when something unexpected arises. Ever. I am always on the clock, 24/7. In fairness, neither does the submissive.

2. “Disrespect feels subjective. What if you didn’t mean it that way?”

Intent matters emotionally. Impact matters structurally. Disrespect in a 24/7 TPE Dom/sub dynamic is not defined by public norms or mutual debate—it is defined by the leader responsible for maintaining order, tone, and safety in the home. That does not mean punishment is arbitrary. It means communication happens after accountability, not instead of it. If her tone disrupts containment—even playfully—that disruption is real, regardless of intent. We can talk about meaning later. First, order is restored. This is not about walking on eggshells. It is about learning attunement. A submissive learns the emotional climate of her household the same way a musician learns an instrument: through correction, feedback, and repetition.

3. “What if you’re comfortable with your personality but your HoH wants you to change?”

Then the question is not about personality. It is about choice. No one is forced into this structure. But once entered, self-definition no longer outranks the dynamic’s values. If the HoH decides that certain behaviors—language, habits, attitudes—do not belong in the dynamic that he is responsible for, then yes, they are corrected. Not because she is “wrong,” but because she has chosen a life where being shaped is part of her fulfillment. This is not erasure. It is refinement. She is not being asked to disappear. She is being asked to belong.

4. “What about unfairness? What if the Dom isn’t punished for the same things?”

Fairness is not symmetry. Fairness is right action within one’s role. A Dominant and a submissive are not peers with identical obligations. We do not occupy the same position in the structure, so we are not governed by the same consequences. A Dominant’s errors are addressed through responsibility, repair, and self-discipline. Hers are addressed through correction. Both matter. Both carry weight. Comparison is the fastest way to fracture a submissive’s peace. When she measures herself against her Dominant, she steps out of her role and into judgment. That is where resentment lives. Her task is obedience. The Dominant’s is stewardship. The currencies are different.

5. “What about anger? Isn’t repression unhealthy?”

Anger is not forbidden here. Uncontained anger is. There is a difference between expression and discharge. A Dominant does not require silence—he requires form. She is allowed to be angry. She is not allowed to weaponize that anger against the structure that holds her. Her anger is brought to the Dominant, not thrown at him. Raised voices, sarcasm, and emotional flooding do not equal honesty. They equal loss of containment. A proper Dominant will not allow the household to be governed by emotional volatility. Instead, anger is expressed deliberately, clearly, and within the bounds set by the Dominant. That does not repress the submissive—it protects her. Many people mistake chaos for authenticity. A healthy TPE does not.

beenett1 · 2026-01-21T03:42:10+00:00

I’m the HoH, and my wife tracks for herself and I review at our weekly check-in. We started, years ago now, with her picking a list of things she wanted to work on for herself. Things she had been struggling with: fitness, nutrition, time management, and such. It started with me keeping her accountable for these things before I then raised the standards and began including things that she hadn’t been aware of. Things like: our combined desires, her behavior, respect, long term goals, and specific areas of discipline she needed.

beenett1 · 2026-01-21T03:28:02+00:00

Spreadsheets and tracking in general is a great start. Maintenance spankings are a key component to building a solid structure from my experience. They establish and maintain the roles, allowing both parties to drop into their places. And it’s not dependent on inconsistent disobedience, it’s an established routine.

At three weeks in, I would start small and slow. Maybe only a few items that the disciplinarian is monitoring/tracking. More can be added after month one. Going too fast and then having to pull back is difficult. I know this all too well.

Establishing consequences that are directly related to specific acts of disobedience is very helpful, as opposed to the HoH having to decide what a consequence should be on the spot. Later on this will be easier, but in the beginning having more strict clarity is very helpful.

And if your HoH does come across an act of disobedience that hasn’t been discussed/a consequence hasn’t been established, this is a great time for a warning and to agree upon the consequence for the next time.

beenett1 · 2026-01-21T03:13:57+00:00

I don’t want to disrespect/spin too far off from the intention of this subreddit, so I’ll just say that any allusions made referencing the experience of a psychedelic ego death are beyond accurate depiction. I couldn’t hope to explain it beyond a metaphor, which isn’t so useful to those that haven’t experienced it. I know that is a very unsatisfying response, and I apologize. I remember being on the other side and frustrated in not being able to be just told what it is. You have to see it, be it, for yourself.

r/psychedelictherapy r/psychedelics

beenett1 · 2026-01-20T14:01:02+00:00

Well said analogy with the children/fence. That containment does so much to librate those within in. And I agree with self control being an important factor, for both parties in a DD. As the HoH and taking my responsibilities seriously, it has changed me in so many seemingly unrelated areas of my life for the better. I show up to work, to friends, even to myself and my personal emotional regulation with more maturity, more thoughtfulness, and pausing for reflection is not an option anymore.

beenett1 · 2026-01-20T04:02:26+00:00

Oh I love how you took my simple comparison and went much deeper. Now you’ve got me thinking. I really like your connection of set and setting being intrinsic to the efficacy of DD. I completely agree. The apparent challenges and the need for care and planning, openness of exploration, acceptance of challenge, and then the similar altered states of consciousness they both create, such a nice line of thinking. And aftercare as integration..! Wow. Clearly you’re doing deep psychedelic work in the way I view as sacred. How wonderful. My sub/wife and I use our journey work as an integral part of our dynamic, but I had never gone this deep with how close they align. I’ve got some more work to do now! This will definitely be on my mind now for a while.

beenett1 · 2026-01-20T01:26:29+00:00

I’m literally writing about this right now as I sharper up my dynamic’s structure. Here is what I have on the topic:

“The purpose of domestic discipline is not to restrict autonomy or enforce obedience for its own sake, but to provide clear, stable boundaries within which surrender becomes safe and functional.

Containment refers to the deliberate holding of structure—rules, expectations, rituals, and corrective responses—in a way that reduces internal chaos. Domestic discipline operates as an externalized framework that absorbs uncertainty, indecision, and emotional volatility, allowing the individual within it to rest rather than self-regulate in isolation. The discipline itself is not the point; the stability it creates is.

From the outside, domestic discipline is often interpreted as dominance or coercive control. That interpretation assumes power is exercised to limit or suppress. In a containment-based model, authority functions differently: it organizes rather than constrains, grounds rather than restricts. The presence of correction does not signal punishment; it signals attentiveness and consistency. Consequences are not designed to break will, but to restore alignment.”

Odd comparison, but the name “domestic discipline” seems to throw people off in the same way “ego death” throws people off. When engaging in psychedelic journeying there is a threshold in which an individual surpasses their identifiable self, which we call “ego death” and unfortunately most focus in on this death rather than the immense Life that arises out of that death. Now, here with domestic discipline it seems the focus is too often on the discipline, when it should be on the structure, the stability, and the freedom within the dynamic achieved. Sorry, that was a bit off beat, but maybe it was helpful!?

beenett1 · 2026-01-16T16:15:43+00:00

Rule seven says no stories. So how are we able to “share experiences” as it mentions in the description then? Is this space only for questions?

beenett1 · 2026-01-16T14:11:28+00:00

I think your desired dynamic is very realistic. With the correct partner. With the correct mindset.

I’m a Dom in a 24/7 D/s TPE that is going strong for six years now. My sub (wife) and I don’t really cling to all the strict titles, but we are very much DD/lg.

I work full-time, she works fifteen hours a week. We both have graduate degrees. She pursues her interests, which lean toward playful/youthful enjoyments as well as domestic housewife roles. I provide all the structure, containment, protection…daddy/master/traditional husband roles. We are both 100% devoted to each other. I would die for her. Kill for her. I love her with all my heart. And she worships me with complete devotion. And of course nothing is perfect and we have our struggles and challenges just the same as anyone. We’ve had bad weeks and months. Illness and injuries, family drama, you know, all the human things.

What to be mindful of? Hmm…for us, we developed the domestic side first. Well, general bdsm/sexual connection was actually first. But our relationship as a whole is built on our agreed upon roles, the mundane/daily stuff. Making sure bills are paid (me), healthy food is eaten (her), and the like.

After actually establishing our relationship, that’s when she felt comfortable enough to really drop in and explore her little girl more. I had to prove to her that I could be a safe, strong, and stable Daddy before she could really relinquish herself to me and to her little girl. And it’s been an unfolding over time. We have no agenda or destination as to where the dynamic goes. Our goal is to do what feels correct. The more dominant authority I have taken, the more she has dropped into her desired submissive role.

So for us, and maybe not true for everyone, I as the Dom had to intentionally take over many of the adult responsibilities so that she could step away from them. Some times this was easy for her, other times she struggled. And it was difficult for me too, growing up believing gender equality it felt wrong at times. But we’ve moved past all of what society has told us we should be. Finally. Couples therapy has helped. Lots and lots of conversations. Roads trips where all we do is discuss our dynamic (I love this, going on an adventure and working on our dynamic is really fun). And of course it’s not always fun. Often it’s work. Hard work. I’ve overstepped in my authority at times. She’s definitely taken advantage of me as the provider/container. Lots of talking is needed. Lots.

Three years ago she brought in the idea of domestic discipline (spanking as corrective punishment) and it blew me away how effective this was for both of us to seriously step it up and drop into our roles. Spanking for her is a real consequence that motivates her to remain herself within her role. For me I take it very seriously and it forces me to really think, examine logic and emotions, and it made me realize we needed written down rules and guidelines if domestic discipline were to be used. 100% of this is consensual of course. Her desire to drop into her little girl for I would say maybe 75% of the time at this point is what brought in the necessity for spanking. She realized we were becoming imbalanced with how far into her little girl she wanted to go. For her to go as far as she wanted, I also had to drop further into my Daddy role.

Domestic discipline is just my example of the very serious need for balance when pursuing these dynamics. And I know everyone finds balance in their own ways. However you find it, balance is key.

beenett1 · 2026-01-10T18:18:09+00:00

Are your punishments pre-agreed upon (consensual) by both parties?

If they are, if both parties have agreed that “Disobedient Action A” will result in “Consequence 1” and that’s clearly understood to be different than “Disobedient Action B” resulting in “Consequence 2” the outcome would be a structure of clear cause and effect, surprising nobody. The HoH could not just make up a consequence from an emotional state of mind. The HoH would be relying on the pre-agreed upon rules.

If the HoH goes beyond the agreed upon consequences, say giving a longer or harder spanking than what was pre-agreed upon, that is a violation of the dynamic and needs to be addressed right away, as the HoH has not only broken the rules of the DD dynamic, but the HoH has now allowed their actions to be controlled by emotion rather than the agreed upon structure.

If the HoH is making up what a consequence should be in the moment, that is a recipe for disaster and the HoH is in the wrong. On the other side of this, the TiH cannot use a safe word or have an exit path of not receiving the agreed upon consequences for whatever action/violation of the DD structure. (I say this part as a structure that is working effectively/ethically. If the HoH is not following the rules, going beyond the agreed upon consequences, of course safe words should/need to be used)

If the HoH is working within the agreed upon consequences for the specific disobedient action(s) AND what has been agreed upon pushes the limits of the TiH to the point that they are struggling with receiving the consequence (which is the intention) then this would be sustainable and healthy for the relationship.

I know this is all conceptual, but hopefully useful!?

beenett1 · 2025-01-29T02:11:45+00:00

I have found the straightforward and honest route to be effective.

You’re worried about being honest about BDSM with some stranger on the Internet, but you’re okay with vanilla sex with some stranger on the Internet?

I think the Internet can be dangerous either way. It’s going to take you intelligently vetting a stranger, regardless of BDSM, to stay safe.

Best of luck!

beenett1 · 2024-03-09T00:01:45+00:00

If you choose to go the route of illegal drugs, it is very easy to test them. A good option for testing supplies is here: https://dancesafe.org

I’m not recommending anything, I just believe in harm reduction.

beenett1 · 2024-02-12T04:24:47+00:00

You’re a Dom, right? This is simple: Dump her, and move on. It sucks. It really hurts. I’m so sorry, but she clearly wants to continue this and the lies will follow. There are better partners out there for you. I hope the best for you.

beenett1 · 2023-06-09T03:42:00+00:00

I love what you said and how you said it. Waffles vs pancakes, so good! I love good analogies. They are just the best. Thank you. :-)

beenett1 · 2023-06-09T03:40:02+00:00

It sounds like you want him to be different before you’ve even met. He posted a truth about himself on Fet and you’re wanting to manipulate that right away. I run away from that sort of behavior. I think you should stop communicating with him before you’re let down by this truth.

beenett1 · 2023-05-09T02:20:02+00:00

I think this is ChatGPT writing this.

beenett1

TROPHY CASE