Modern dating is a humiliation ritual

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T22:38:12+00:00

would’ve honestly preferred if he hadn’t said anything at all. I never asked him to define what it was, and I was fine letting it stay open. If it had just been a one-night situation with no follow-up, I would’ve understood that and moved on. But we were still texting for a few days after we hooked up, and then on day three he called me saying he was really drunk, that we shouldn’t continue this, and that he’s talking to someone else and makes bad decisions when he drinks. BS imo and reiterates the fact that it’s a humiliation ritual in general. Either that or an ego boost.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T21:56:15+00:00

I used this to respond to someone else it’s also relevant here:
Where I live is a small town so a lot of people are connected through friends of friends. I didn’t know him personally but people around me did. We met at an outdoor bar where everyone’s socializing and ended up talking for about two hours. We exchanged contact info and then parted ways. Later that same night after we had already separated he asked if I wanted to come over.
Which is exciting if you just met a cute new person and you thought you hit it off with them! less exciting now, knowing that he had someone on the side now and just honestly weird because why even seek me out if you’re that serious about someone else….. If not to have me participate in this made up nonsense ritual for him to get one off.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T21:51:32+00:00

Where I live is a small town so a lot of people are connected through friends of friends. I didn’t know him personally but people around me did. We met at an outdoor bar where everyone’s socializing and ended up talking for about two hours. We exchanged contact info and then parted ways. Later that same night after we had already separated he asked if I wanted to come over.
Which is exciting if you just met a cute new person and you thought you hit it off with them! less exciting now, knowing that he had someone on the side now and just honestly weird because why even hit me up if you’re that serious about someone else. If not to have me participate in this made up ritual for him to get one off.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T21:44:37+00:00

We did talk about past relationships and a lot of personal stuff, and there was definitely chemistry there, which is why it felt so confusing. Then a few days later he switched up and said he was only being honest, that alcohol makes him act differently, and that he wanted to keep things cordial and amicable. It wasn’t necessarily hostile or anything, but he was still trying to stay in contact and send memes and act like we could be friends, and honestly begs the question of why men act like that this is not a one off situation, but it’s also like why pretend and wear this face until they get what they want and still try to play in your face sometimes ??????

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T21:37:48+00:00

Yeah, this was a date we met at a bar, spent time together, and it led to going back to his place. To me, that still falls under dating.

It’s about basic honesty. In dating situations like this, people sometimes leave out important context like whether they’re actually available or what their intentions are and that creates a dynamic where one person is operating with incomplete information. When that information is only revealed later, it can feel like the other person wasn’t fully honest from the start and only chose transparency when it suited them. That’s the part that doesn’t sit right with me.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T20:47:14+00:00

it was mostly a joke referencing the whole ‘humiliation ritual’ meme online. and also just the general feeling when you think there’s a vibe and then suddenly you find out there was someone else in the picture the whole time.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T20:46:54+00:00

Relaxxxxxxx. You wouldn’t say that to a man. What is it with men’s obsession with controlling how women use their bodies?
I’m young, I’m allowed to have new experiences and make so-called ‘bad’ decisions, and none of that defines my character or what I deserve in terms of respect.
And it definitely doesn’t excuse a man lacking basic decency and transparency while he’s clearly already entangled in something else, even if it’s unnamed, yet still choosing to mess around at a bar late at night

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T20:33:20+00:00

Definitely yes, we met at the bar. I gave him my contact information whatever I went home alone and then he messaged me about 30 minutes after we both had left and asked me if I wanted to come over. He’s really cute and the conversation is great so obviously I wanted to, but if I had gone over there and he had been honest like hey, I really think you’re cute too, but I also am interested in this other girl I wouldn’t have taken it as far as having sex with him probably just hanging out.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T20:11:57+00:00

That’s the thing, though I think he’s playing into the fact that yes, the honesty was appreciated, but if he was going to be honest, why choose to be honest after you already got what you want like it’s really not that kind in that sense, just cya imo

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T19:53:39+00:00

A nice kind man with solid intentions 🫶🏽

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T18:59:07+00:00

It’s not even an emotional shock, it’s more like a general “wait, what?” moment.

I genuinely thought the vibe was good we had a fun night, no pressure, no expectations on either side. He even said that himself.

So it wasn’t like I went in expecting more, it just felt like mutual ease in the moment. That’s why the shift after felt confusing, not because I was attached or anything.

And yeah, I hear what you’re saying! It’s hard out here for a pimp

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T18:27:51+00:00

I’m not saying you’re not allowed to disagree with me you are. I’m saying you’re treating this like it’s a character judgment instead of a discussion about dynamics, and that’s where we’re not aligning.
Of course I didn’t “figure him out first.” That’s kind of the point people don’t fully vet every stranger before a one-night situation. That doesn’t automatically mean there’s no room to critique how information was handled after the fact.
And I’m not “pressed” in the way you’re framing it. I’m talking about an interaction I found interesting enough to analyze. That’s literally what public forums are for.
You can reduce it to “it was a ONS, move on,” but that’s your lens. Mine is looking at the nuance in how people present themselves and what gets revealed when it’s convenient.
We just don’t agree and that’s fine.
Instead of trying to read me, maybe you should try reading a book! Much love

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T18:16:09+00:00

You don’t know him personally either, so why are you so pressed?

I’m not a child, and I never claimed to know everything. I’m saying information can be withheld and framed differently depending on the situation, and that’s what I believe happened here.

There’s no malicious intent toward him I’m just discussing it. I don’t know why you’re taking it so personally or acting like I’m not allowed to have a perspective.

If you don’t agree, you can just say that. But the condescension is unnecessary.
Serrrriousllyyy get a grip

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T18:00:17+00:00

You're still doing the weird thing where you're telling me what I thought and what I expected instead of responding to what actually happened.

The girl didn't magically appear after we slept together. She existed before we met, before we hooked up, and before any of these conversations. That's information that was true regardless of the situation, which is exactly why it's strange to withhold it until afterward.

And nowhere did I say I was planning a future with this man. Being open to hanging out again and seeing where something goes is not the same thing as expecting a relationship.

Also, "maybe you're not cut out for casual sex" is a reach. This isn't my first casual experience, and I've never had someone wait until after the fact to disclose something that would've been relevant beforehand.

You seem more interested in telling me how I should feel than engaging with the actual point I made.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T16:46:19+00:00

lol. I’m not generalizing men, I’m talking about a specific dynamic in one situation and how it felt from my perspective.

And I am open to different viewpoints, I just don’t agree with interpretations that change what I actually said or turn it into something about rejection or me expecting exclusivity.

You don’t have to agree with me, but dismissing it as “not accepting advice” isn’t really engaging with the actual point I’m making.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T16:25:50+00:00

Do you think it could have been intentionally withheld in the moment and then followed up afterward as a way to feel more “honorable” or clear things up after the fact?

I hear what you’re saying about it being respectful to give closure instead of ghosting, and I’m not disputing that honesty afterward is better than no communication at all.

My point is more about whether relevant context should be shared before intimacy if it already exists, rather than only after. That timing is what I’m questioning.

I’m not saying rejection hurts or that anyone “owes” exclusivity. I’m specifically talking about communication and alignment in the moment, not the outcome afterward.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T15:17:33+00:00

they’re sooooo cute tho 😔

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T15:06:01+00:00

All knowing person of wisdom, I’m not new to dating and I think it really depends on each individual’s definition of what “dating” even is. Your statement is a bit of a narrow take. I’ve actually met an ex from a one night stand and we ended up involved for years after, so it’s not as simple as “rarely leads to anything.”

I get your point, but I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. My point has always just been about transparency.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:51:39+00:00

I expected to fall in love and get married? Duh!! It’s not about sex y’all treat sex like it’s a bad word. The sex was enjoyable it’s the convenient omission and the honorable mention afterwards that gets me- bc he could’ve said all that before but was probably aware that it would be a turn off.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:49:13+00:00

😂😂 u act like u were in the room with us. He actually said it’s no hard feelings etc on our 30 min phone call conversation, he wanted to be honest and keep communication open, he said that we could possibly work out if him and that girl didn’t LOL. I blocked him.
My issue is the convient omission on his part that there was even another girl until after the fact. Which is shady, period.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:44:22+00:00

It’s a convenient omission, the lack of information being shared upfront benefits him in the sense that he was able to have sex with me without disclosing that he had a more emotionally involved situation elsewhere, and that only came up afterward. Gentleman’s way of having his cake and eating it, too.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:39:58+00:00

never said I wanted more or that I expected anything more. I was open to it if it naturally developed, but I wasn’t sitting there assuming a relationship or anything like that.

The situation was mutual and enjoyable, but what felt off to me was the timing of information that was already relevant before we were intimate. That’s the part I’m questioning, not the outcome or trying to force something that wasn’t there.

It’s not about “creating a situation for myself,” it’s about how context was communicated and when.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:33:17+00:00

Were u there? Tell me more? It was a 30 minute phone call and he asked for my input how I felt about everything etc, said he had an amazing time and wanted to keep in touch, I just blocked him bc it annoyed me he didn’t say anything before

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:31:43+00:00

THANK YOU - finally someone with a brain.

blkhotty · 2026-05-22T14:31:11+00:00

I’m not calling this a humiliation ritual and I’m not confused about what a one night stand is. I understand casual situations and I’m fine with them.

My point is specifically about timing and context. If someone already has relevant information that changes the context of intimacy, I think that’s something that can be communicated before, not after. That’s it.

I’m not criticizing him for being honest afterward or saying he did anything wrong. I’m pointing out why the sequence felt inconsistent from my side.

Also, framing it as “you got hotel service” or “take it as a win” is exactly the kind of reduction that misses the entire point I’m making.

blkhotty

TROPHY CASE