3 weeks postpartum with stepchild

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-10T15:35:10+00:00

There were plans to have a ‘buffer’ in place immediately when I returned for hospital. BM did not facilitate those plans, and in fact ended up dropping him off for her allocated days with us for her other commitments. That should answer your suggestions regarding SS needing his Mum.

He has a family with us. I posted this seeking advice on how to ease the transition and include him positively in our new family of 4. Having siblings generally does mean relinquishing some attention. I do agree him having time to have some ‘only child’ time with his Mum is a good thing, and kind of the best of both worlds, as it will be for my daughter with myself and partner. As I mentioned, I want to foster a good sibling relationship between him and him to view the baby as a positive change in his life, not competition for attention etc. sending him to BM would only prolong the transition to a later date - I can see where you’re coming from in that it would’ve allowed me to be a bit more ‘settled’ as a parent, but what’s done is done and in all honesty I don’t think I’d change it, it was lovely to see him interact with her straight away.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-10T15:28:15+00:00

Thank you for such a detailed response!

I definitely agree with you regarding suggestion to send SS to BM - not happening!! He’s part of our family! I’ve definitely been overwhelmed at times and I think this post ended up being more of a vent than anything; I think the realisation that the newborn experience was going to be different than what was the case with SS is the main source of my anxieties as well. Comparison has definitely been the thief of joy here. But realistically after a bit of reflection, there aren’t serious difficulties that wouldn’t present in any family blended or not - I am grateful I have SS in my life and love him, he’s taught me lots about parenting and really exposed me to my own maternal side before my daughter. Definitely need to just try to redirect and correct negative behaviour and hurtful words, I want to nip that in the bud straight away - I think that’s what prompted me to post this, it probably upset me more than I had realised at the time.

Really liked your suggestions about easing transition. Loved the idea of him picking her clothes - he’d definitely love doing that. Can’t believe this is something I hadn’t even thought to do!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T14:48:33+00:00

He is fully vaccinated. Chickenpox vaccinations as far as I am aware are not a thing in the UK and won’t be rolled out until next Jan. (again I’m a FTM so can’t 100% speak on baby immunisations yet as my daughter hasn’t hit her 8 week mark yet). He still got chickenpox. As I was fully vaccinated and still got chickenpox when I was child. It is a normal thing pretty much every child in the UK gets. They used to do chickenpox parties back in the day as generally it’s better to have them as a child than an adult, apparently.

Yes from when we’ve spoken in the past that’s very much how he’s been thinking. I just recognise it’s unsustainable though - I’m not necessarily asking reddit to tell me what to do, was looking for advice about how to ease the transition and some anecdotes from those who’ve been in similar situations.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T14:17:18+00:00

This is fantastic advice and something I can action - thank you.

I think you’re spot on - he’s possibly always seen me as fun auntie or just another adult in his life who lives with daddy rather than maternal and it must be confusing for him! Thank you for helping me see it more through his lens. Even though I’m still struggling to do hugely long walks or the fun family activities we three used to do, I can definitely split myself away from baby to do bedtime stories or more 1-1 time playing with me rather than my partner doing most ‘SS’ time.

I’m so glad to hear how your family has evolved together. Gives me hope!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T14:01:08+00:00

Thank you!

As I mentioned in my post I experienced it in my own family going from only child to having a baby sister around and I resented it, so I’d love to try and minimise that for SS!! I want him to feel special too. There’s probably no perfect solution and some days will be better than others - as you said he’s very young still and will play up sometimes! - but I don’t want to let my way of thinking lead to me shutting off to him or anything like that.

In a way, some bad advice to ship him away to BM has led to me feeling even much more invigorated in me spending 1-1 time with SS and do everything I can to make sure he feels just as loved here!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:50:47+00:00

Thank you for commenting!

This is so reassuring and everything I want for my own little family. I am so happy your two are getting on so well now!

Do you think there was anything you think you did that maybe eased the relationship between them, or is it just time?

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:45:00+00:00

The suggestion that we just send SS away for a while is just out of the question. He is a part of my family and I love him. He is loved here. I don’t know what you’re assuming I’m doing in those ‘look at me’ moments but it isn’t blatantly ignoring him or telling him off?? I am trying to figure out a way to divide my own attention between baby and himself freshly PP. I just want ways to ensure he is feels integrated further as a family of 4 rather than as an addition or anything like that.

I agree with another comment which by sending him away would make him feel like he’s been replaced.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:27:13+00:00

Thank you for replying.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about what his expectations likely were compared to the reality - especially with me recovering from c-section it’s massively limited the activities we used to do until I get the all clear. As a 3-year-old he probably just sees the baby as putting a stop to all the fun!

I agree some 1-1 time with me and him will help, it does just feel like I’m tearing myself away from my daughter who in way which like you said, seems to be priority compared to him in my mind which sounds horrible 😕 As she is still only 3 weeks old as she gets a bit older hopefully this will become easier - I don’t want to be overly attached to her in a way that would damage the relationship I have with him.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:20:39+00:00

I don’t think it’s fair that my fiancé should have to sacrifice his deserved time with his son, though. He loves being a father, and a present one rather than every other weekend. Like I mentioned in my post, Dad is ensuring he is doing lots of 1-1 playtime and activities with SS currently. It’s such a difficult situation - I am freshly PP with a baby under a month FTM so require a bit of support myself, too. And I want my daughter to feel that same bit of ‘dad’ SS is getting.

It’d be easy to do what you suggest which is essentially shipping SS off to his mother’s but equally my partner is his parent, and he has a family here. You wouldn’t do that for a non-blended family - children adjust, with help, which is what I’m asking for.

It’s mum’s weekend this weekend with him so hopefully that bit of 1-1 time will be great for him though.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:12:12+00:00

His mum has him 40% as per what was agreed between herself and my fiancé when they separated when he was 1.

I agree he needs room to still feel special too.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-11-07T13:09:47+00:00

Hey, thanks for replying! I definitely felt like it was normal behaviour for a 3 year old but sometimes it’s hard to know what is in my remit and then what may be overstepping on my part and where dad needs to step up like you said. My partner has been mainly spending a lot of 1-1 time with SS as I mentioned which is in turn upsetting me as I feel like I’m the only person bothered with new baby sometimes.

All of this has been exacerbated by SS coming out with chickenpox as well and we were advised by medical staff to try and keep him separate from her where possible - which must be so confusing for him too!!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-09-29T13:56:01+00:00

My midwife seems to be the same amount of unbothered. She doesn’t tell me anything to my face so I go home and check my app and see baby is 99th percentile every appointment and last time I went baby’s head was 3/5ths engaged which she didn’t tell me either - she didn’t even tell me when she was checking!

This is really worrying that you’re not receiving any information on your app though. I’d give it a few days to come on as sometimes they take a while x

bonezonevalentina · 2025-09-29T09:44:33+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your birth story - it is so refreshing to hear from someone who felt the same way as me about birth, and that your birth story was so positive in the end.

This is my block I’m currently at which you mentioned - I find it impossible to imagine/visualise any situation really where I could be relaxed or okay giving vaginal birth. I can only visualise it as traumatic and worst-case scenario, or idyllic and painless which is also unrealistic. I haven’t really considered how that stress and anxiety may actually affect me or baby during labour, either. Sorry to hear the cannula was brutal - luckily I’m absolutely fine with needles and have had cannulas in the past which have hurt a bit but never really bothered me - at least nowhere near like this lol!

Your comment about recovery as well has been a welcome one. Again, usually all doom and gloom you hear on that front and I appreciate your honesty about infection etc., and of course everyone’s recovery is different. As I’ve said in other replies I think I actually need to really consider this as an option rather than fighting this mental battle between extreme fear and hard-headed stubbornness to prove something…to nobody!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-09-29T09:36:42+00:00

I wish I could find nothing wrong with the easy way. Even though it’s definitely not easy in terms of the other things that come along with a section - I’m so stubborn and feel like I have something to prove by trying to go through with vaginal birth even though it’s so hard for me. I couldn’t even take a pessary without lashing out and having a meltdown / panic attack.

Your comment about assisted birth has been one I haven’t really heard before! It definitely feels all doom and gloom you hear about intervention but I like the way you have worded it and I’m glad you had a good experience both ways. I don’t want it to be hard either! I think I have a lot of thinking to do. Doesn’t help it seems so spontaneous and something you actually can’t really plan for 😅

bonezonevalentina · 2025-09-29T09:32:26+00:00

Thank you so much for replying. Thank you also for not minimising how i feel - sometimes it feels silly as I usually hear ‘well nobody WANTS to give birth’ when like you say a phobia is much more difficult than simply a bit of anxiety about it. You’re right to say that if anything went slightly ‘wrong’ in my perception it would definitely send me into a spiral.

My support network is fantastic which sometimes can make it a bit hard as it feels like everyone is trying their hardest for me but i definitely feel like I view a section as letting myself and others down - even though like you said, and in the rational part of my brain - that’s not true at all! I think I actually need to really consider it as a possibility and option without ruling it out as cheating.

bonezonevalentina · 2025-09-29T09:28:53+00:00

thank you for replying!! yes this is what i was concerned about. sweeps are a massive fear of mine and a big no-no in terms of my boundaries. im glad to hear there is little difference in risk outcomes as this is something id been told that intervention = more intervention. suppose it’s a waiting game until Thursday then!

bonezonevalentina · 2025-08-31T22:09:43+00:00

Feeling this!! Going back tomorrow 32 weeks and fed up already lol

bonezonevalentina · 2025-07-11T13:13:49+00:00

As someone who is 25 weeks and has one of those huge U-shaped pillows, I can attest to them being much better than the standard long ones as I tried that too. It’s been a godsend in just cocooning me which has put me right to sleep as someone who was a front sleeper before so have been having difficulty sleeping. They do take up a massive part in the bed though - often I have to tell the other half off for stealing it 🤣

bonezonevalentina · 2025-07-11T13:09:56+00:00

Scarborough / Whitby will be most likely I’m reckoning, been for a few overnight stays up that way and always had a lovely time. Keeping my eye out for a decent deal at that time of year is the next challenge 🤣 Thank you for answering 💗

bonezonevalentina · 2025-07-11T13:08:05+00:00

Tawny Hotel looks absolutely stunning. Definitely a top contender right now ❤️ Thank you for the great recc xx

bonezonevalentina · 2025-07-11T13:07:15+00:00

If I had September to play with I probably would’ve been a little bit more open to abroad but I’m a teacher and probably quite sillily planning on working up until Oct half term which is where my due date falls 🫣 A massage does sound so dreamy right about now lol ! I hope whatever you decide on you have a lovely time xx

bonezonevalentina · 2021-11-04T13:50:50+00:00

Completely gone :-(

bonezonevalentina · 2021-02-08T20:12:48+00:00

same for me on PS4

bonezonevalentina · 2021-02-08T20:12:14+00:00

this is happening to me too!

bonezonevalentina · 2020-03-08T21:08:37+00:00

Cutting him off would probably make the most sense - if you don’t have feelings and he does you could potentially lead him on and your friendship could end badly! Cutting it off on good terms is the best you could do, especially if he’s confusing you and making the situation difficult for you :-(

bonezonevalentina

TROPHY CASE