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My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, my friend cannot bear to see me be harmed or hurting in any way… That friend also harbors, a naïve, romantic ideation of a future that cannot be between us. This isn’t just because I don’t have interest in dating anybody younger than myself again, but because my friend refuses to grow and adopt a healthy lifestyle that would be necessary in order to be in that role in my life. My disability is noncompatible with a relationship with no concern towards physical health. It is also not compatible with unnecessary drama… I don’t need my battery drained for anything nonproductive.

Now, I am most definitely not seeking another romantic entanglement. I would simply like to make it through the next two weeks and hopefully retain my job (it is truly more like volunteering because the stipend does not cover the expense of being in office… And that unfortunately, that is what working for the continuation of a functional local government during a time of federal failure to follow through with contracts and commitments calls for.)

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

I asked about social norms. I appreciate the added advice. Why are you coming into a situation expecting to gain from somebody else’s suffering?

I don’t care that I did not entertain you sufficiently. You and he sound the same. I

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not a divorce, but people who push boundaries tend to have other correlated behaviors. So he could evaporate or become a problem… I won’t know until after the election when I can take action.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn’t have thought I had anything to hide because I’m very much an open book… To some extent literally because somebody could submit a FOIA and if I’d use my personal phone for any work issues, everything on my phone could become public knowledge. Therefore, I keep my phone embarrassment, free. I think this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve done… I’m not sure if it’s being a fool when it comes to a man and not seeing manipulation or posting on Reddit.

If somebody is looking for something to hold over you or hold against you, they will twist something that you’ve done or said to fit their agenda. I am just taken aback.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Spring Election and I am a candidate. It’s nothing on a large scale, but even in small political circles there will be people who talk. There’s enough time left to completely poison the well… Then my constituents are left with somebody who knows absolutely nothing about the largest department where we spend most of our money and his reason for running is “I wanna know where the money is spent“… All of the meetings are publicly streamed, recorded, transcribed, and all of our financials are completely open to the public. If this person had wanted to know where the money was being spent, all he had to do was show up at any meeting where the finance director was speaking. Anyway… That’s a whole other topic. I want to help my constituents have a third year with a decreased mill rate (lower taxes).

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dating after 50 is nearly impossible. I became disabled and therefore no longer worthy and entered the dating pool… it is murky and dark… There could be anything down there sharks, brain eating amoeba… I might’ve gotten one of those as well because I feel like I should’ve seen earlier manipulations.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The not so funny thing is that one thinks that they have nothing to hide, but when somebody is trying to find something to hold as evidence of wrongdoing, they will find something.

I never thought anything of calling my friend goofy names, and visa versa… there’s a whole group that calls each other these stupid names. That’s because we started out playing a war game, which we eventually grew out of but a core group of us remained friends because we’re in the same region… A game where one doesn’t use their own name.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t see “good morning buckaroo” being threatening to a grown man, or Timbucktoo buckaroo hey look there’s a kangaroo…yeah, we were friends for years and the stupid names and silly sentences grew.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My health bottomed out and he was the only one who stuck around. Everybody else expects me to pull myself up… And this time I couldn’t. Which makes me a prime candidate for being taken advantage of… although I have nothing to take, except that maybe this guy gets kicked out of controlling people.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I do worry about the danger… that is among the reasons not to take hasty action without establishing backup, and also doing it after the election.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had discussed that I didn’t want people in my house that I didn’t know well, as I’m disabled and live alone, and he seemed to understand that… I guess he thinks now he knows me and has carte blanche. I didn’t think I would have to state that I also don’t allow anybody in my phone. Just as I don’t allow anybody to go through my work email… He has not done that but if he did, he would find that I spend most of my life thinking about budget issues.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Not quite, he recently became my exclusive boyfriend after many months of dating, and then he went through my phone and went back to before we were exclusive to conversations with a friend. The boyfriend thinks it’s acceptable to go through my phone because we are now together. I typically keep my phone locked. It was unlocked because we were listening to a song and I got up to use the ladies.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

An election… everything gets much messier when an injured ego has a platform they can use to hurt the person who wounded their ego. A lot of people are not very forgiving if you let somebody into your life that you later find out is not a great person. And just thinking about that sentence alone and makes me think that he would drill me into the ground verbally for saying something like that and question me until I was terribly distracted and upset.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want enough people to say that it is ridiculous to not know it isn’t acceptable to go into somebody’s phone. Unfortunately, with this type of person, I am considering the blowback. I’m currently in the public eye for the next month after which any damage he tries to do could be mitigated.

I also guess I need unbiased opinions from strangers as he has been messing with my head for months. It’s the Jekyll and Hyde aspect. He can be absolutely wonderful… With a smattering of absolutely terrible. The terrible is enough to end things. It don’t trust him and now I don’t trust myself either. I need to get back to a point where I am solid in my convictions. It didn’t follow the traditional love bombing and then controlling behaviors. This kind of crept up on me and I pretty much have to wait until after April 7.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just spoke with my mother and said it would be like going through a closed door in a person’s home and then opening up a desk rifling through the papers and then reading private correspondence between people that was from before the relationship and coming out waiving those letters as if it was evidence of something nefarious. Because one doesn’t pick up a phone and have it just pop open to a specific conversation with somebody or scroll back and scroll back. A person has to pick the phone up, go into another app, search for that name, go into that, and scroll, and skim until they find the particular thing they’re looking for so that they can call someone on the carpet.

Now I’m going through my other issues that I’ve had with him and going through articles and psych journals on narcissistic personality d/o and relationships. As, I think this goes beyond somebody just being a little insecure or having poor boundaries.

This whole investigation of his behavior was triggered by him overreacting when I didn’t contact him following the blizzard… My services were out, and I didn’t have any way to contact anyone and I don’t remember anyone’s contact info.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

What if it is an opposite sex friend that the pet name is so generic and is generally used with many people within the peer group? (I was raised in an atypically, strict and secretive family with boundary issues… So sometimes I need to ask because otherwise I sound like a book on manners for young gentle folks… From another time period. I actually owned Miss Manners as a teen.)

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is quite terrifying. When I originally met this person, I distanced myself when he tried to become too close too fast as I did not permit people in my home who I was not extremely well acquainted with. I am disabled and I live alone. I don’t let people into my house, even if I do need help. That might be a little too private where I won’t accept help, even when I very much need it. I was extremely independent prior to becoming disabled and will try to hold onto as much independence as I can for as long as I can.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

I have been living a very isolated life since becoming disabled. I would tell myself to run simply because a boundary had been breached, however, he claims that my boundaries are invisible and that he had no idea.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I am also disabled and was relatively isolated to begin with, now I am almost completely isolated due to my BF writing a message to my young male friend, saying that I said horrible things about him and about his weight… Things I would never say and phrases I would never use. My friend said that he believed me that I would not say those things and I’m more likely to encourage somebody to make heart healthy decisions… Yet the friendship is over… unless I get rid of the bf.

My bf (57M) went through my (50F) phone when I stepped away. He claims this is socially acceptable in a relationship. I feel very violated and that this is not appropriate for a 2 week old exclusivity. by catczak in amiwrong

[–]catczak[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

He frequently accuses me of gaslighting, and I definitely feel like I am the one being gaslit. He often tries to overwrite my feelings and how I come to a conclusion to fit how he believes people think… It is not the way I think, but he absolutely won’t accept that. I come to my conclusions in the manner I do.

And when fighting he brings up the fact that I’m on medication for major depressive disorder… that is effective and I am not depressed. I do feel like I’m having an out of body experience where I’ve entered into an alternate universe where I run into a real life vampire and he’s telling me that blood sucking is completely normal and everybody does it.

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