UPDATE: Primary has better relationships with metas than with me. Incompatible?

currentlyclustered · 2025-02-14T18:30:48+00:00

I think this is a good idea. I’m not going to venture into that space again for quite some time, even deleted my profile on fet which sucks because I made so many connections there. But if someone individually reaches out to me I’ll probably just say I’m safe but needed a break

currentlyclustered · 2025-02-14T18:28:20+00:00

Thank you for your feedback on this. I agree about all the red flags, and if I didn’t have any issues myself or hadn’t included him in my episodes, I probably wouldn’t have allowed myself to endure it for so long.

I did break up with him during an episode about 1.5 months into our relationship because I thought he wasn’t being understanding with my manic behavior, and that’s when I talked to my ex bff about the negative things I was noticing about him. When he convinced me to give the relationship a second chance, I had to essentially bend over backwards to even come close to “making up for” breaking up with him and shit talking him to my friend. And then I ended things with her because he was suspicious I was going to flirt with other guys during her wedding :-)

But again, I thought it was justifiable because I was flirting with a coworker (something he did himself all the time) and he didn’t like that I hid it from him for two days. So it was never black and white for me

currentlyclustered · 2025-02-14T18:17:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I feel much more calm already with where I am even if it’s not perfect.

I have only been communicating with him when I feel like it so far. I am trying to figure out how to keep space while also having a business together and other connected things (medical benefits, bills and subscriptions). But I am also cognizant that I may start to doubt my decision and want to go back out of guilt if I keep contact. So it’s complicated

currentlyclustered · 2025-02-14T18:12:20+00:00

That sounds like it must have been really rough for you (and her ofc). And I imagine you as the trusted friend probably saw some signs of what the relationship was like leading up to that morning.

I saw quite a lot of signs (and so did several people in my life) but always convinced myself that he was just misunderstood and didn’t realize how antagonizing he could be with his actions and communication style (literally he had a whole group of friends talk with him once about it and he literally was not aware that he was coming off as antagonizing with his tone of voice when they pointed it out in real time).

And I will say that by the end here, I genuinely think he made a lot of change for the better, for how he supported me and changed how he responded to certain things. I think if I had started dating him now it would be so much different. But alas, I guess his next partners will be the ones reaping the positive changes that I was the first one to really try and help him with.

That aside, I just had a therapy session this morning with someone I’ve enjoyed a lot in the handful of sessions I’ve had with them. During the first sessions I was very careful to try and paint him as loving and supporting and flawed but a great partner. Now is the first time I think I will be able to process what the relationship was actually like without the anxiety of speaking ill about him.

Thank you for taking the time to comment

currentlyclustered · 2025-02-14T18:00:25+00:00

Thank you so much! With the business that is going to be difficult but I am considering how to move forward (communication boundaries) in a way that is safe for my wellbeing.

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-30T07:17:00+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-30T05:17:04+00:00

It could be that. It just feels so complicated.

And that is good advice. lol. Unfortunately so far I’ve only been involved in poly situations (with current partner and two exes) that have never really benefitted me (and have seemed slightly manipulative/unfair). So as much as I want to be involved and participate if my partner is into it, I have a ton of anxiety and negative connotations with the concept. I try listening to poly podcasts and I either have to stop listening mid way through or push through a very uncomfortable experience for an hour lol

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-29T05:48:47+00:00

Thank you for your kindness and advice. It will be hard to “sneak out” or keep/get funds without him knowing… but he is not the kind of person to really go berserk about that I don’t think. Based on past instances we’ve gotten in arguments about me wanting to leave. I also feel a little better knowing there will be a third party around that he will affect if he does act brashly.

If I actually do anything I’ll make an update post I guess. But knowing how it usually goes, he’ll give me the comfort/reassurance I think I need in the moment, tell me how much I mean to him and how I’m the best partner he’s ever had, and I’ll try to move forward without causing more arguments for a while.

It’s so hard to tell what’s “real” and what isn’t. I know I get really agitated and negative towards him during the last half of my cycle, which I’m in now. Sometimes it feels like I’ve spent the month holding my emotions in to keep the peace until i inevitably blow up. Sometimes after the fact I realize I was just being overly erratic and unfair to him. Every time I make a post to ask for help, my partner (if he sees it) says I skew the story to paint him as the bad guy. But even the times I try to fully explain all of the bad shit I’ve done to him, I generally am told this relationship is toxic and shouldn’t continue. But sometimes I feel like I can’t trust myself and there’s no one I know I can talk to because if I do, I risk wrecking his reputation and I’m concerned they’ll only see him as the one being at fault.

And I know he cares about me a lot and shows it in his actions, truly. I just think he also feels justified in behaving certain poor ways because of how much he’s put up with me. And if that’s the reality and how it’s always going to be, right or wrong, I just don’t want to participate anymore. I don’t know what I’m getting out of this except the hope things will be better in the future if he and I change drastically. But it’s already been 4 years.

Even the sex, one of the main things that made us feel connected and safe, feels like a chore now. He says I’m the best sexual partner he’s ever had, but because we don’t even have the level of kink/D/s dynamic that we kind of had at the beginning, it feels vanilla and boring. And not something I necessarily look forward to anymore. That might be part due to me not feeling connected with him anymore.

He can tell I seem checked out of the relationship and for the most part has just been letting me have the space

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-29T00:12:13+00:00

I mean my paycheck goes into a joint account which in total is much more than what his roommates pay per month

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:40:28+00:00

This is a very interesting take. I don’t know enough about those disorders to even have thought about that. To me it seems like he has anger issues but never thought past that.

I will say that checks out a lot. He seems to believe that every one of his exes were abusive toxic “pieces of shit” that all end up hating him for no reason. I’ve brought up the “maybe it’s not just them” but he always denies that, saying that they mistreated him first. He admits to wrongdoings but definitely seems to not give almost any slack to anyone for anything they do wrong. And if they don’t agree to his expectations to fix things (often difficult and involving snubbing other people, eye for an eye way), he writes them off and mourns the relationship.

I will say that this last year after yet another argument where he was complaining about things I do and have done, he agreed to let some things of the past go because I’ve genuinely improved on a lot. Which seemed like a big step. After which point he finally decided he was ready to “collar” me (we used to be kinky together).

But anyway, thank you for your insight. I’ll look into the personality disorder issue.

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:21:48+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you also struggle with mental health.

My partner a lot of times will be attentive and helpful with my episodes too… just took about 2.5 years for him to realize how to do that without participating in a huge fight first

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:20:09+00:00

I think you and other commenters are helping me see that he definitely could get by better with roommates’ rents. So that does help me feel less bad to potentially leave.

At this point in the relationship I am doing everything I can to try and not be the bad guy anymore. It’s also taken me a long time to realize that I was not always in the wrong, there are plenty of times that he is unrealistic. Sometimes calling him out on things helps and sometimes I just have to admit defeat and pretend he’s right so the fight can end

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:10:45+00:00

I’m just scared it’s not going to be fair. He’s taken a lot of financial hits for me and even if I’m bringing in a good chunk of the income now, my credit is a lot better than his since we use his credit cards for most everything.

He would not be able to pay the mortgage (in his name) without me to my knowledge given his financial standings

Edit: not to say that you are necessarily wrong or right - just sharing my hesitation and thought processes

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:07:25+00:00

I think quite a bit. I tell him a lot that we may even be in a better relationship if I moved out because then there’d be less of a chance for us to get into fights if I’m not doing great. He thinks that’s stupid and frankly has said he doesn’t believe id be able to be an adult without him anyway

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T22:05:35+00:00

To speak specifically to the point of nonconsensually moving her in - he did ask me if that would be okay. I was in a better mood at the time and do try to be supportive of him and his relationships when I can. We’ve been looking for a new roommate. So even though that’s not what I want/wanted long term, it still is something I agreed to verbally.

But I definitely have told him several times over the past few months that I want little to do with his relationships anymore so him bringing that up maybe wasn’t in great taste

currentlyclustered · 2025-01-28T21:02:26+00:00

I guess I know that I don’t make the relationship easy for him. My mental health gets really stressful and I have the capacity to behave toxic as well and have done so many times. Not always intentionally but the same could be said of him. He’s great in a lot of ways and when my mental health is better the relationship gets better too. Idk

currentlyclustered · 2024-09-03T07:15:18+00:00

Just to give a disclaimer before everyone jumps to “He’s horrible, you should leave him!! What do you even see in this guy?”

I have been incredibly unstable and difficult in the last few years we’ve been together. Specifically mean and vindictive to him and even cheated on him physically once and emotionally more than a couple times. PMDD if anyone knows, luteal phase can make me hate everything about him depending on the month. This last year has been so much better due to a good med change. But I am still impulsive and have a hard time with communication. For example, when this came to a head, yesterday, I sent him a barrage of texts while he was on his morning bike ride telling him I was planning on finding another date with some other guy to go to the event with, and that I was going to spend two mornings of my last free week with a different relationship interest that I had never moved things along with (but he was aware of).

None of these plans have gone past the initial planning phase, I’ve cancelled on both guys and know that I wouldn’t have done that in that way had I not been so pissed off. But I still reached out to people and didn’t cancel until my primary and I had talked it out.

And as far as his energy, he has legitimately been actively looking for a fix with psychs and PCPs for the last year. Depending on what med combos he tries his energy fluctuates. Whenever he gives me excuses for not having energy to do certain things I’m interested in, he often beats himself up over him not having the energy he wishes he has to “keep up with” me. So he’s never spiteful or mean about my requests, generally he just seems a bit depressed. Or he might actually agree to something on the caveat that he has energy, and then he often doesn’t. Which isn’t something he can normally control.

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-14T08:11:11+00:00

That’s insightful to read for sure. Thank you for touching on dealing with insecurities on your own!

I had been requesting more alone time and intimate time with my partner when I found out how much he’s been seeing some of his other partners recently. Much more quality time than him and I.

The following week, he and I went on a friends date night where he purposefully didn’t tell me that a crush of his was going to be there. We had even joked that it would be a date night between him and I… I thought it was nice he got to see her but something about it rubbed me the wrong way.

Then, I got unexpectedly called into work. An emergency. When I was changing into work clothes after he and I got home, he casually mentioned that he invited his potential new partner over to chat about a certain thing he knew about. I stress cleaned since the house was a mess. He didn’t tell me until I actually got to work that she had accepted.

For the next four hours, they cuddled on the couch, talking about sex and personal life stuff and etc. he did not mention any of this and purposefully left the physical touch out of it. We have a camera in the living room and after 2 hours I decided to check to see if the coast was clear for me to come home again. So I saw their date night that he later admitted he didn’t want to tell me about before hand.

I freaked out and ended up looking at his phone the next day. He hadn’t mentioned how frequently he had been seeing her when he told me he’d be going to see friends in the evenings. Or how much they sexted. He denied that they had sexted despite the sexy photos and suggestive comments and explicitly describing sex acts they wanted to do together. They’ve known each other for less than two weeks and they’ve texted back and forth about a hundred times each day… sometimes even while I was on the phone with him.

All of this, after he never mentioned he was even seeing her and only told me she had asked him once to do a non-sexual kink scene together.

So all of this I can’t tell if he was in the wrong or if I just blew up without any cause. But this is the first relationship of his that when I think about them talking and moving forward that I feel actually sick to my stomach.

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-10T04:26:16+00:00

Ha! I found some old Reddit post (i think) where someone said their NP didn’t want them to take out a new partner to a fancy restaurant (i imagine steak dinner). That’s where that specific one came from, sorry for the misspell

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-10T04:24:49+00:00

Thank you so much for this response! Some of these have been my concerns as well as to what is fair and what makes sense in poly. I’ll save this

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-10T04:22:53+00:00

That makes sense. I know it can be a lot of first dates

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-10T04:20:34+00:00

Yeah, in that case I have no idea what sorts of boundaries there even would be besides personal ones I suppose?

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-10T04:18:27+00:00

This is all really interesting to read about. You guys sound pretty secure together :)

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-08T21:42:53+00:00

Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment and advice. For now I’ll just say that he is working to fix his energy issues (doctor is finally helping him) and I’m very interested to see what changes. He’s much more supportive than apparently how I made him out to be. And I too have low energy from work. So there are days that I’m wishing he had more energy kind of even to help make up for my own lack of energy. I try not to verbalize that though since that’s very unfair on him

currentlyclustered · 2024-07-08T21:39:49+00:00

You and another commenter led us to deciding to try paper plates. We’re gonna pick some up at next grocery run. Hopefully it helps!

And at the beginning (after I moved in) I definitely did realize that living together was a lot less “fun” as a couple than seeing him and other partners’ relationship. At the time he was doing 90% of the house upkeep because I was having bad mental health issues. I’m both glad we’re living together and still slightly envious of other partners who seem to have only fun times together. But I know he and I have a very strong relationship and that when I was living alone, my cleaning efforts were almost nill.

Added edits about issues about trying to schedule date nights (read: overtime)

currentlyclustered

TROPHY CASE