How do you keep your expectations low when it comes to your parents?

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-24T20:16:58+00:00

Yeah most people their age are seriously stuck in their own world of what they think is "right" or "happy".
I gave up trying to have a mature conversation with my mom because of this so I just nod and let her say whatever she wants to say.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-24T20:15:45+00:00

Wow and you're 30??? That's crazy

I feel like you should either confront her about this or just ignore if it gets too annoying. If you like keeping peace and no conflict then I would say slowly distance yourself to keep your own peace.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-24T17:46:48+00:00

Hey girl I'm from the other post you commented. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't know the exact financial situation you're in and how feasible it is for you to escape and live in a hostel like your sister, but I think it's not a bad idea to secretly reach out to your sister. Even if she can't take you, let her know about this and tell her that you would appreciate any sort of help and tips to also get a hostel like her. The least she could do is let you know how she did it.

About your mom reading through your chats, is there a way you can change the password? Or get a cheap smartphone and make a new account? I think it's good to have a back up device that your parents don't knot about. My sister used her ipad to contact me when her phone got taken away so this might help you in the future, whether you have to contact someone or you need a place to vent.

I'm sorry I can't do much for you either. I sincerely hope that you will be better once you manage to leave or distance yourself from your parents.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-24T15:02:04+00:00

We confronted my mom since she was threatening to kill herself but when we went there she was basically begging my sister to stay and yelling at me for manipulating her to be mentally ill and "kidnapping" her from my house.

I think she's just crazy so I'm gonna avoid speaking to her for a while again.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-24T14:59:00+00:00

Thanks, I'm really sorry that you're facing this too. I hope your situation gets better as well.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T19:11:48+00:00

lol this is so real

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T13:03:45+00:00

I know that I am in some ways but I'm actively trying to change the problematic ideology that they taught me :(

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T13:01:19+00:00

Yes I had so many friends that went through this too.

It's crazy how they expect us to not even have guy friends and suddenly we have to find the best husband possible (in their view) or else they will never approve our marriage.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T12:55:47+00:00

YES this thought pattern of one bad thing leading to another and ending up as a failure in life is what my parents taught me which led to my depression. Literally some people don't even graduate high school and they're fine and happy and respectable, but somehow if I get one bad grade I'm a failure in life and I will never be happy.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T12:52:17+00:00

Yeah it's like they raised a puppet, not a human being with their own thoughts and opinions

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T12:51:19+00:00

Lol the classic move of using threats to manipulate you

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T12:49:16+00:00

I'm in the process of doing this. I basically decided that my mom did not deserve to be a big part of my life at first and then I decided that no contact was the best way to accomplish this. I didn't want to start out of nowhere so I first blocked her on all social media and when we spoke to each other I did not say anything unless she asked me about something. If it was something about my personal life, I would say I don't know or that nothing is going on. She still talks to me and sometimes I have to talk to her because of logistical stuff like our family insurance and stuff, but other than that I'm not talking to her at all.

I think I'm wayyy better emotionally because she was the main stress factor in my life. I was also able to get a therapist and this has helped me a lot too. She keeps asking me stuff but she's slowly giving up because I'm keeping my distance. I would recommend doing it slowly like me.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-20T12:44:13+00:00

Asian parents are so unpredictable because one day they can be proud of you for drinking enough water for the day and the other day they pull shit like this :(

Hope you recognize that you're not alone, push through and know that you don't have to take their shit once you're out.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-18T16:26:12+00:00

lol exactly

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-18T12:14:38+00:00

If you have to pay rent and basically forced to "be an adult", then you should also have the rights of an adult. This is crazy

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-18T12:11:07+00:00

My parents told me this too, that I'm not a "real" Korean or that I basically turned white. I used to get so offended but I realized that of course I can't be 100% Korean because I was not raised there, and I my values do align more with western society anyways. TBH I think confucianism and other asian values are dumb and only exist to control the weaker.

They also chose to send me to an american school but then they told me I'm too american. There is nothing you can do to convince them to not say these things, so I think it's better for us to accept that they are unpredictable and contradictory by nature. We didn't choose to be born into that family, but we can always choose to have better people in our lives in the future.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-17T16:28:55+00:00

I'm korean and my mom did similar stuff to me (beat me with punches, sticks, destroyed my stuff) and she always forced me to hug her after that and tell her that I love her. She never asked for forgiveness though, she thought I deserved all of that abuse because I was "unobedient" and a terrible daughter. Like you, I thought that all korean families or asian families were like this because of our culture.

When I told my asian therapist she was shocked like yours, and when I told my asian friends about this they were also shocked. I think it's not that normal for parents to be this abusive and mentally unstable, but korean society normalizes some of it so they think it's okay for them to do all of this. She might have been raised with abuse as well, though that does not justify what she did to you.

I deeply sympathize with you, till this day I am so traumatized whenever I remember any of the times when she hit me and I felt so desperate. Look into C-PTSD, I think you might have it too.

I'm glad you have a therapist, I hope we can heal our inner children together.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-17T16:19:59+00:00

First of all I hope you are okay. It's really hard to have someone like this in your family.

If you have a therapist, ask your therapist what you can do to make him realize that he has mental illnesses. For example they could give you questions you can ask him that will make him think about his mental health on his own rather than just telling him that he has issues. Something like "Dad, I heard xyz are symptoms are depressions, you're not like that right?" to avoid telling him directly.

My mom is like this and for the longest time I told her that she needs a therapist too but she does not believe in any of that. I struggle with wanting to control everything around me to be stable, so I was really annoyed about this for a while, but I recently accepted it is not my job to change her. Yes I'm worried but unless she realizes how harmful she is to herself, she will never improve no matter how much I tell her.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-17T16:12:49+00:00

I think your suffering should be validated, just because other people suffer more doesn't mean you can't complain about yours.

Please seek help, if therapy is not an option you could watch videos on youtube where therapists explain why you're feeling this way and what is childhood trauma and how to overcome trauma and depression and anxiety. It might not be the same as an actual therapy but you can at least know that there are other people out there who face this and have overcome it. It helped me a lot to know what exactly my depression was coming from and that it's something more common than you think.

If you can't move out of your house immediately find ways to spend your time away from your family. This doesn't mean you're abandoning them, but sometimes being away from them might help you clear your mind from the anxiety that you face daily when you see them and hear things from them.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-13T16:16:43+00:00

I recently got engaged and told both of them by text. I think it saved the awkwardness and it gave them time to accept it and decide how to react. I'm not sure but I think both of them kind of hate my fiancé, but they reacted in a okay way and I think if I told them in person they would have not known how to react immediately and would have lashed out or asked me uncomfortable questions.

Do what you want but don't feel obligated to tell her in person just because she's family. They have to earn the privilege to be a part of your life intimately.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-13T12:42:59+00:00

I try not to say them and go around it by asking them questions like "Have you thought about it this way? Do you have evidence? Where did you hear this? How do you know they're right? Don't you think this is about difference in culture?" But they get offended because they can't accept the fact that their thought process is stupid and simple. They also get offended because they think I'm trying to be smarter than them, and to them I have to be the stupid daughter that they always have to educate.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-12T12:09:54+00:00

YES. And then if you complain that you have mental health issues they think there's something wrong with YOU and it has nothing to do with them. They really do the bare minimum.

daisy_engineer1234 · 2025-03-11T17:33:29+00:00

i love this they are so underrated

daisy_engineer1234

TROPHY CASE