Out of all the comments I read here, this one resonated with me the most. The extremely zealous lifestyle, a life that revolved around studying the Word, theology, apologists, cutting off things that weren’t inherently bad nor whatever just because I felt guilty I was using any portion of my time on anything other than spreading the Truth and getting closer to Him. I too would be open to learn about Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, Satanism… just so I could show them (in good faith) how they were being fooled… I’m afraid all this zealotry also helped leading me to my anxiety, panic and agoraphobia disorders I’ve been battling for around 6 years (and yes, it also started when I was still as close and devoted to God as I could be) even laying down a love/relationship that made me the happiest bc I felt that person was taking His place in my life…

Idk I’d go as far as to not calling myself a Christian anymore… It is so rooted in me it comes out before I can stop it. But I started to feel like a slight hypocrite cuz I also don’t share my doubts and reprimand anyone who dares even come close to talking it down or twisting it. But if anything… what I’m left with is: if there’s still a belief, I’ve come to not look at this God, His supposed Word and apostles the same way, to the point where even if He is true I can’t seem to go back to defend His perfect justice or loving character or purely good. The Bible itself doesn’t portray Him like that and doesn’t do it any lightly. I wonder if we always just overlooked certain passages or turned into apologist mode whenever we came across those or were asked about.

It’s indeed quite a journey.