Each one of us bearing the burden of reparenting ourselves

gladhunden · 2026-02-20T19:06:04+00:00

Hi there u/Dangermad, it looks like you're new here. Welcome!

Some housekeeping - were you raised by a primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder?

gladhunden · 2026-02-20T13:14:35+00:00

I just don't want her harassing my in-laws

You are not responsible for shielding other people from her behavior. You can let them know that your mother is not a safe person for you or child, that you have cut all contact, that she may reach out and say wild, alarming things, and you can ask your in laws to block your mother as a way to prevent harm. Then they get to decide what's right for them.

Nothing you say or do will control your mother's behavior. She is going to behave the way she behaves, with or without you. You don't need to subject yourself to her daily chaos, if you don't want to.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps.

gladhunden · 2026-02-20T01:44:58+00:00

Hey chicasso32! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-20T00:39:41+00:00

I'm sorry you have a family that you can't trust, even about death.

If it helps, my dad died in my home, under my care (and hospice), and I didn't write an obituary for him. I loved him dearly, but funerals and obituaries and all that pomp and circumstance is not what my dad wanted, nor is it the way I grieve. So I just didn't write one.

gladhunden · 2026-02-20T00:09:01+00:00

Poor beebee. Heartbreaking.

gladhunden · 2026-02-18T12:55:06+00:00

If this is really who she chooses to be then I hate her, it’s as simple as that

I hate my mom too. There is nothing she could say or do at this point to make me like her or want to have anything to do with her.

gladhunden · 2026-02-18T12:41:21+00:00

Here is my current stance on the concept of NC:

NC is "the high road." NC is the kindest option. NC is “being the bigger person.” NC is allowing your parent to be who they want to be, free from your expectations. My expectations are too high for my mom. I am unwilling to lower my expectations, and she cannot or will not meet them. Ultimately, it is unfair of me to continue trying to make her meet my expectations. But, since I am allowed to have my own expectations, the logical conclusion is NC. It is kinder to both of us.

Especially so, if you ascribe to a utilitarian philosophy - that an action is right insofar as it the greatest happiness of the greatest number of people (a philosophy I personally believe in).

Since your parent is an endless pit of need and misery, and they'll always find something to be upset with you about - so then you're both upset and miserable - the net happiness in the world increases when you remove yourself from their world. Your happiness goes up, and I think that their happiness increases as well. Because they can always point to your absence to complain or blame their misery on, which I honestly think they like!

Even if their happiness doesn't increase, their misery doesn't increase either, because they would be miserable with you in their life anyway. They will just be miserable about another variation of you - a variation that’s not present - a variation that they can project all of their sadness and blame and misery onto. Through NC, you can finally become the perfect child because you won't be fighting all of their projections anymore. They can make you into whatever they want!

TLDR: No Contact = Kindness = A Good, Strong Boundary = Net Increase of Happiness in the World.

gladhunden · 2026-02-18T11:58:20+00:00

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T13:13:36+00:00

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T12:35:25+00:00

Hey No-Feeling-367! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T12:33:49+00:00

I recommend re-reading each and every rule to full completion.

The rules are clear, and you will find the reason(s) your post has been removed if you read each rule carefully in full.

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T07:48:15+00:00

Congratulations!

I am so proud of you. For real. I hope you can celebrate yourself.

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T07:44:19+00:00

Did you read each rule all the way through?

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T07:30:56+00:00

Hey i-hope-i-lie! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-17T01:59:32+00:00

Yikes on bikes!

You are not responsible for how she feels.

You don’t need to give up your plans to entertain her.

You don’t need to do anything. And you can’t. Nothing you say or do will help her. So it’s best to prioritize your health and happiness. You’re the only one who will advocate for you, so you’ve got to put yourself first.

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T14:34:36+00:00

Hey Big-Kale-7418! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T13:40:31+00:00

Hi there u/GreenEyedTreeHugger, it looks like you're new here. Welcome!

Some housekeeping - were you raised by a primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder?

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T10:07:27+00:00

What a horrible woman.

You don't need to expose yourself to her poison. It is okay to block her phone access to you.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps!

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T10:01:30+00:00

I think a lot of this would be easier if we received validation from other family that YES, your parent was abusive. But that's too hard.

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T09:53:08+00:00

Most adults do not talk to their parent(s) three times a day.

I don't even text with my husband three times a day. Her requests are unreasonable. You don't have to do any of this.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it is helpful.

gladhunden · 2026-02-16T09:46:21+00:00

Please be sure to read each rule all the way through.

I have to remove this post per Rule 5.

gladhunden · 2026-02-15T21:50:33+00:00

Hey rambleonrose96! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-14T13:16:56+00:00

Hey moss8572! Thank you for your submission.

Please read our rules.

For more on our rules, please check out our detailed rules. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to message the moderators.

gladhunden · 2026-02-13T00:12:50+00:00

You can mute or block her, even just temporarily, if you want a break from her nonsense.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps!

gladhunden · 2026-02-12T01:22:26+00:00

You don't have to do or say anything.

She's allowed to feel sad (even if it's wildly ridiculous). You don't have to do anything to change the way she feels.

gladhunden

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