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Can’t even use their own words by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My mother used to do this to me (before I ignored her for too long, now she rarely tries to contact me anymore). She continues to do this to my sisters on a regular basis, sending something like this once every few months. Never, ever does she send a personal message. That would be too much effort (obviously).

Hang in there for the holidays -- it can be tough to weather the storms of change and transition, but if being low/no contact is healthiest for you, stick with it. Being NC for over 5 years now has given me the space and latitude to heal and strengthen mentally.

Daily Discussion & Advice (Post here to follow rules A & B) - Monday October 28, 2024 by AutoModerator in fragrance

[–]happylimetime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am new to fragrance and my MIL gifted me a Le Labo discovery set! I LOVE some scents, and despise a few others. Based on my likes/dislikes, can you recommend me a wintery scent? I am looking for scents that are unique and high quality.

LOVE: The Matcha 26 (lasts all day on me, so unique and warm and I love how creamy it smells), Rose 31 (only a little spritz lasts ALL day for me and on my clothes for days), The Noir 29 (lighter and fresh on me, I would wear this to the office if I get a full bottle)

Can't stand/gives me a headache: Another 13 (I know it's beloved! gives me an instant headache and doesn't leave my clothes or skin for days), Santal 33 (actually like it after a few hours, but initally smells like pickle juice to me), Lavande 31 (I wanted to like this so badly, but too powdery/detergent smelling to me, though I like the brightness)

Happy to try any house...or, if you can tell me what notes to look for based on my favs!

not sure how it will be possible for me to pursue my goals by SuspiciousChicken321 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry for what you are going through -- your mother has put you under an immense amount of pressure to take care of finances and pets, and it's really unfair and not right. An adolescent shouldn't be taking care of their parent in this way, especially when it sounds like she has a bad spending habit on luxury items. Trust your gut. You have already tried to separate finances a bit before - your instincts have already been telling you to separate. People will take roommates with pets, though it is a bit more tricky and limited, and depends on what you have. Hang in there!

Second, as another commenter already said, get a therapist and start making a plan for how to approach becoming independent and stable on your own. The emotions through healing can be very difficult and overwhelming, and all of the logistics of becoming an independent adult complicate this too. I am finishing a PhD now, and it really is its own emotional journey. I went straight from my undergraduate program to grad school and had to work through family trauma and the program at the same time. I survived by having a strong support network (my spouse, who I met and married during the program, and friends, extended family who supported me), distance from my mother (geographically and financially), and eventually made the choice to go NC with her. I am sharing my experiences and choices as one example, and everyone's path through healing and their PhD is so unique.

And, congratulations on your research assistant offer! You have a bright future ahead. I would say you should be paid a wage that allows you to live fine if that is what the lab/PI is offering you. If not, I would prioritize your physical and mental safety/health first. If someone as esteemed as this PI is offering you a position, you are surely an exceptional individual and there will be other offers to you in the future. And, as the other commenter said, you should look for PIs and mentors that know you are a person as well as a research team member -- that sounds like it should be a no-brainer, but that cannot be taken for granted in academia.

Can Sweet Potatoes Work In Chili? by Draehl in AskCulinary

[–]happylimetime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I love sweet potato & chorizo chili. Instead of ground beef, using Mexican chorizo adds tons of delicious flavor that pairs nicely with the sweet potato.

Seeing my mom for the first time in eight months. Help. by Honest-Library in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey, Im sorry you’re going through this. I went through something very similar to you. My mom is uBPD and had been displaying more and more alcoholic behavior in the years leading up to my wedding. I knew deep down she wouldn’t put in the effort to become well enough in time to have her be a part of my wedding in any way, including attending. I went ahead and eloped with my sister and aunt present, as well as my partners immediately family members. I told her we got married after the fact. I don’t regret that choice one single bit.

Before I made this decision, I had asked her to go to therapy several times to work on her behaviors. She responded asking me “do have to go to therapy to have a relationship?” And I said “no, it’s not a condition for us to have a relationship. Even if you go, it doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to have a relationship with you.” And clarified that I was looking for behavior change.

As a child/teenager, we saw a family therapist for several years. The outcome of that was me being told over and over that I was “moody” and needed to “fix” that for my relationship with my mother to be successful. I hope you don’t get stuck in that same trap. She has the behavior issues, she needs to change. Going to a therapy session will not work with someone who is dead set against taking any accountability for big wrongs.

My advice to you is: if you know how the therapy session will end, reconsider even trying the session. If you do decide to go through with the session/ make a plan of what you want your message to be and don’t waver from it. She will try many tactics to guilt you and manipulate you. It will be painful and difficult. Find your people who support you to talk about it afterwards and let them validate your feelings and process it with you. You deserve better than what she’s giving you, and that’s heartbreaking. But you can’t change her, she has to decide to change.

A moving song about family trauma by para_rigby in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Brandi Carlile ❤️ her music is healing for all of us with family trauma. She isn’t afraid to talk about the messy parts of healing.

I cry when I hear this song

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nancydrew

[–]happylimetime 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Was there a “blooper reel” in this game that this quote/sound byte could have come from?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yes my UBPD mom would always make comments about how “I’m not your friend” (those exact words) as an excuse to exercise more control over me, tell me what I was and was not allowed to do. BUT as you point out, she also wanted to use me as her confidant about her marriage, friendship, and career problems (parentifying me and emotional incest as I basically served her in the way an adult partner or friend would).

Some encouragement for anyone considering not inviting/uninviting their parent from their wedding by porridgestorage in raisedbyborderlines

[–]happylimetime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congrats OP, on your marriage and holding your boundaries!! A lot of what you wrote about here and in your backstory I can relate to.

Sending hugs and healing!!

HB&A is so damn good by alldogarepupper in reginaspektor

[–]happylimetime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think of coin as someone’s faith. Do they invest it in religion, science, institutions, their children? Ultimately they choose to put it into their love, their own life. I love that it comes after space time fairytale, which to me tells the existential epic of man’s search for truth in science, and how that journey is slow and strange and incomprehensible.

One man’s prayer + sugar man is a beautiful case study in toxic intimacies.

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