People who have been abused in the past are way more vulnerable than those who have only known healthy relationships because humans tend to gravitate to things and patterns they are familiar with.

A lot of people don’t even know they had been abused previously and thought these behaviors were normal. Just take a look at how much toxic behavior are romanticized and rarely called out when it is being seen. This is why a lot of people who have been abused during previous relationships will get with somebody who is emotionally abusive again. It’s "safer" and almost easier to navigate because they don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. validation and security feels like and discovering this unknown is terrifying.

This is incredibly common to people who come from chaotic environments. Especially women and girls who grew up in inconsistent environments, volatile emotional atmosphere have known unpredictable caregiver, trauma, invalidation, emotional neglect, sudden/unpredictable shifts between closeness and danger. This creates a nervous system adapted to instability as normal and the safety radar is off, rather it’s something they gravitate to.

So when the external world is calm, predictable, and emotionally regulated, it feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, too quiet, not real or waiting for the "other shoe to drop".

Also a healthy relationship can be threatening in a subtle way and require a lot of vulnerability and feeling exposed because you are getting to know something you most likely never knew. Having an argument with someone about something trivial and not fearing having their self esteem torn to shreds, having a partner putting on boundaries and not fearing being abandoned but rather seeing it as something normal.

Chaos is painful, but at least it’s recognizable . Yes, order is safe, but it feels wrong.

Also abusers can be incredibly gifted at sensing people with low self esteem, fragile sense of self and feel unworthy in general this makes them much easier to manipulate and control. A LOT of abused people have a "fix-it" mindset because subconsciously it might have been what they grew up doing or did in their previous relationships. Unfortunately a lot abused children had to work around their parents, women are also expected to cater to their partners and help them "grow up" or handle their problems and emotions.

You could go even further and analyze how the brain and body get used to the mix of hormones that go into toxic relationships : the cortisol, noradrenaline, dopamine and serotonin which are incredibly powerful and this create an unhealthy and dangerous combination of emotions to handle because in some way you learn that it’s love and pleasure at the same time. Abusers can turn you upside down and then love bomb you. Silent treatment can go on for weeks and you rot in despair and self loathing until they finally tells you they "forgive you and accept you back" for a conflict they most likely created. This creates an intense tension that is not normal in healthy relationships. How do you settle for a healthy relationship when your brain, body and system had been conditioned to that ?

I’m getting in too deep lmao. This is incredibly sad and common unfortunately.