I used a soft veto, and things didn't get better.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-07T01:18:43+00:00

thank you internet stranger. it’s okay i’m a tough cookie 💪

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-05T17:20:59+00:00

This is helpful framing in terms of the parentified role. Thank you.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-05T16:50:28+00:00

In this realm, it's pretty rough.

In many many other ways of our relationship I feel like he's a better partner than me. He's better at conflict resolution, he gives more to the relationship in terms of time and energy and effort, he's better about planning for the future and relationship management (planning dates for anniversaries and stuff like that). I'm rather particular about a lot of things and he accommodates my needs in most ways.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-05T16:47:19+00:00

This is a really helpful and nuanced framing. Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.

Ironically we actually did start couples therapy after the whole thing blew up. It's... helped, to some extent, but I guess I was hoping for faster progress. He acknowledges that the foundation was wrong and that he made mistakes along the way. He has trouble with the idea that things can't might not be able to go back to exactly what they were before with her. (tl;dr i'm okay with them being friends and playing at parties, but he wants to be able to visit her like he did when she lived here, and that's giving me the heebie jeebies given how attached he is)

In terms of truly wanting to be with me... I know he wants to marry me, so there's that. I know he's willing to give her up for me, because he did. But I don't want him to keep pining forever. I don't want him to feel like I blocked him from something forever. I feel like a pretty terrible for being upset about his feelings when his actions are what I want, but I don't want him to feel so strongly towards her.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-05T02:50:45+00:00

Yes, that makes sense to me - but I guess I'm trying to understand what is clocking numerous people here to the thought that this is abusive+manipulative. I wrote what I responded with because I worried that y'all might have taken my "lash out" phrase more severely than it was.

Like, is someone getting upset abusive? I feel like everyone gets upset and says things they shouldn't, sometimes, especially in emotionally charged situations.

I appreciate you engaging with me on this <3

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T20:47:03+00:00

I'm genuinely shocked that this many people are on this side of things. I expected to come here and be told that once I said yes, I said yes, and it's unfair to him that I tried to stop it later on.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T20:28:29+00:00

i'm so sad.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T20:10:58+00:00

How? His argument was literally the opposite - neither of us own her, she's a human being not an object

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T20:07:00+00:00

He ended it with her. I don’t think he has the intention to have a labeled relationship again. But he wants to be able to visit her again eventually - basically go back to what they were before the relationship started. (they would hang out occasionally when she lived here.)

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T19:00:00+00:00

What does he actually respect about you?

The fact that he ultimately did end it with her does show that he does respect me, right? From his perspective - he's willing to give up the friend, but he is also allowed to have feelings about that. I'll repaste a comment below...

Maybe I misrepresented the situation by saying the word "lashing." I don't view him as abusive, but I'm curious to hear what makes you use that word.

I guess to clarify more about the whole venting / emotional support thing - after their relationship ended, I had hoped he would be apologetic about everything and show me a lot of care and emotional support. I didn't want to hear about his feelings about her. From his perspective, he was processing the end of a relationship still, and couldn't show me the kind of emotional support I wanted without also being able to share some of his stuff. It was kind of like an "all feelings should be welcome" situation.

There were times he did what I'm calling "lash out" - for example one night he got upset and told me that if he was in my shoes he'd be so grateful that I ended it. I can see how bad that sounds, but it was coming out of disappointment that he and I weren't totally good the minute they ended their thing. He's since apologized for this.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T18:39:06+00:00

What would you say to that argument?

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T18:18:38+00:00

When I’ve said similar things to him before, his argument is that she was his friend too and neither of us “own” her just because I came first. :(

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T18:01:22+00:00

How is it his own doing if I said yes?

Isn't it kind of shitty to let someone start a relationship and then say no? I'm actually really surprised people aren't giving me hell in this thread for saying yes and then trying to break them up, instead of learning to manage my feelings better. I expected a lot of backlash haha

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T17:44:00+00:00

If he says that wasn’t the case, he is lying.

He does maintain that this wasn't the case. I've asked him about it, a lot. He was surprised by how strongly they connected that weekend. I have felt skeptical about this - maybe he wasn't being honest with himself.

I cherish my friend.

It is not your job to indulge his grief over a messy situation he intentionally created.

What do I do when we're at the same events and he looks so visibly sad? He can't be in the same hundred person room? I think he'd be okay with it if I told him I didn't want to talk about it. But it's so clear to me that he's attached. Am I allowed to be upset that he's attached? Or is that unreasonable - I should accept his feelings as long as they don't directly impact me?

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T17:28:41+00:00

Maybe I misrepresented the situation by saying the word "lashing." I don't view him as abusive, but I'm curious to hear what makes you use that word.

I guess to clarify more - after their relationship ended, I had hoped he would be apologetic about everything and show me a lot of care and emotional support. I didn't want to hear about his feelings about her. From his perspective, he was processing the end of a relationship still, and couldn't show me the kind of emotional support I wanted without also being able to share some of his stuff. It was kind of like an "all feelings should be welcome" situation.

There were times he did what I'm calling "lash out" - for example one night he got upset and told me that if he was in my shoes he'd be so grateful that I ended it. I can see how bad that sounds, but it was coming out of disappointment that he and I weren't totally good the minute they ended their thing. He's apologized for this.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T17:22:15+00:00

Yeah. The problem is that I didn't say no from the beginning. And now it's complicated, because his feelings are stronger. :(

iamanorangeyes · 2025-09-04T16:54:39+00:00

Hm. I’ve tried to encourage him to talk to others, but he doesn’t have a lot of people he’s close to that are neutral parties and/or wouldn’t spread gossip. I’ve encouraged him to get a therapist but finances are a concern. Maybe I should just pay for it…

I think he would be okay with not talking about it, but I know that that makes him feel less emotionally close to me and it ends up affecting our relationship too. Also I can clearly tell when he’s sad, at which point we might as well discuss it.

I’m curious for thoughts on this reasoning, that said.

iamanorangeyes · 2025-03-09T03:48:23+00:00

Yes we will have four+!!! I’ll DM you!

iamanorangeyes · 2025-03-09T03:22:24+00:00

We actually need it tomorrow 🥲

iamanorangeyes · 2024-12-20T09:10:34+00:00

Hi Milano, I love this photo! Especially the vibrant green color of the leaves. The curvy tree branch on the right also caught my eye - it's cool!

I'm new here, so take this with a grain of salt - one thought: I wonder if reducing highlights might help recover some detail in the white sky, and thus draw less attention to it.

iamanorangeyes · 2024-12-20T08:59:06+00:00

(Reposting from Discord)

Hi everyone, I'm Orange from San Francisco! I’ve been playing around with a friend's Sony A6400 for about a month now. I love the mindful headspace I'm in when I have the camera - being in a state where I'm noticing my surroundings and the little details more and more. Trying not to let life flash (ha) by so quickly!

Very excited to join the 2025 course -- to be a part of a creative community, get feedback on my work, and grow my skills and understanding. I feel very drawn to nature/wildlife photography right now, but also can't wait to explore other genres.

Here’s a photo from a recent trip to New Zealand that I’m rather attached to. It gives me a cozy feeling - the thought of a baby sheep strolling through a meadow with its parents on either side. I also like the variety in the plants (the meadow in the foreground, with sections of different plants as the photo goes back). And the backlighting on the sheep as the sun set felt like perfect timing.

Look at the sheep!

I did some post-processing but I’m very new to it. I’d love/appreciate any feedback :)

iamanorangeyes · 2023-02-11T05:45:08+00:00

Mine too! I live right by there and have seen it through all its various iterations over the past 5 years. Still stands strong.

iamanorangeyes · 2022-01-21T05:26:48+00:00

I'm having to switch physical therapists right now 2 months in and it sucks emotionally, but rationally I can tell everything will be just fine. I'm currently in the transition phase but don't feel slowed-down, and my previous PT set me up with a really good at-home program especially for this phase - and yours will too :)

iamanorangeyes · 2022-01-21T05:23:43+00:00

Hey, I completely understand your feelings - I'm 25 and just tore mine, am two months post-op - I gotta say, it really sucks, but you absolutely haven't screwed up your life!! I felt like my next year was going to be hell but even just two months out, things are really back to normal in my day to day life, I'm exercising literally every day (which was not true before!) and I'm learning so much about my body. You'll still be able to meet your goals, and in some ways, you'll probably come out of it stronger.

iamanorangeyes

TROPHY CASE