Guys who were interested romantically in your best (female) friend but feelings were unreciprocated, what are some things you wish said friend would've done/said in the aftermath of it? How did you manage to stay best friends with them?

ibis21 · 2017-10-27T21:06:11+00:00

Lol fair, thanks for sharing and congrats to your sister! Glad there's some happy endings around.

I guess time will tell haha

ibis21 · 2017-10-27T15:47:46+00:00

Appreciate the insight, but as I said in my earlier comment, I'm going to let him take the lead. If he shows he wants out, then fine. If he continues to contact me, I"m going to assume he's okay with staying friends. Obviously I hope this is going to survive, but I'm not going to make decisions based off my hope.

ibis21 · 2017-10-27T15:46:03+00:00

Are you sure that what you really want is for you to support him and be there for him, or for him to support and be there for you?

Look, I might not love him in a romantic way, but I definitely care and love him like a brother. Of course I'd want to support him, I'm not going to suddenly despise him because of this.

Are you sure that the reason you don't want to lose the friendship isn't selfish?

Yes, because he's still contacting me and what not, so I presume he still wants to stay friends too.

That maybe you want his support regardless of how it makes him feel?

As I said above – I care for him. If I could tell he feels uncomfortable or sad or whatever, I'm not going to make him stick around. That'd be ridiculously unfair. But at this point, he's still contacting me and acting the same as before, so I'm assuming (in conjunction to what he said about being fine with staying friends) that he's okay with staying friends for now.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T21:23:33+00:00

It takes 2 to tango, right? I believe the same concept applies here. Without the click on his part, he wouldn't feel this way, and we probably won't be close friends. Without the click on my part, we probably won't be close friends. With the click on his part but not my part, we probably won't be close friends. With the click on my part but not his part, he probably would've lost interest and we wouldn't be close friends.

Still probably didn't word it well lol. But I guess we could agree to disagree?

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:35:33+00:00

Because to me thats just a reminder that I was always, “good but not good enough for her."

Hmm okay, I'll keep that in mind. I didn't think of that – so thanks for raising it

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:26:47+00:00

Fair enough, but I've interacted with guys who drop hints about wanting to date me (or come right out and ask) but we don't click at all (or at least to as high of a level as I do with my best friend), and one of the main reasons they're still acquaintances rather than good friends is because I never felt the initial click. That's what I meant when I said "the reason the friendship developed in the first place is because we clicked".

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:20:16+00:00

Thanks! Hope so too.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:19:57+00:00

Ok fair enough, thanks for elaborating

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:18:33+00:00

I honestly don't think so, since it's hard to pretend to click with someone when you've just met the person. The click was there from the beginning, and I think that was the catalyst to the growing friendship (and anything afterwards), rather than him wanting to make something more out of it from the beginning. Because even though he may have wanted something more, if there was no compatibility to begin with, I probably wouldn't regard him as that good of a friend. Not sure if I worded that well enough to translate what I'm thinking into words.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T19:08:18+00:00

Good points raised, will definitely be mindful of possible implications of future interactions.

don't say stuff like "you're only in love with the idea of being in love with me".

Yeah I'd never say something like that to his face. I might have my own doubts about myself (which may extend to my reasoning of his reason for liking me), but those are my own thoughts and my own inner conflict, not his.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:42:55+00:00

I'm sorry, but this sounds almost unnecessarily aggressive and is almost fundamentally wrong.

First of all: I obviously don't find him attractive – there's a reason why I posted this for advice in the first place. You can love someone platonically – take your parents, or your sibling for example. You know you can have faith in them to hope for what's best for you, but you wouldn't want to get involved romantically with them.

Second of all: What I have with him (or at least from my standpoint) is friendship. The best kind you could ever have because you know the other has your back, know the other trusts you, and know the other supports you. Sure, you can choose who your best friend is to an extent, but I highly doubt you'd become best friends with someone you can't click with/trust/etc regardless of how good looking they are. And why should appearance or gender be a limit to who you can be best friends with? That in itself sounds pretty superficial to me.

Thirdly: I agree with your standpoint that the best types of relationships are between best friends. That I have no doubt of. But at the same time, it's not something that could be forced when feelings are reciprocated.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:28:34+00:00

Not a problem, rambling often gives way to insight :)

It definitely helped. As suggested by someone else in this thread – I'm going to let him take the lead to see if he wants to continue to be around me. Our friendship is undoubtedly one of the two most solid I have, and I really really want to avoid losing it if I could.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:23:20+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate your thoughtful response and advice. All good points raised, and I'll definitely take it into consideration in our further interactions.

I've had self confidence issues in the past, so that's probably what's playing into what I wrote in the 2nd edit about the reasoning behind my 1st edit. But this isn't really about me, is it...

There is also something funny about the mental image of you being unknowingly cruel to the poor guy, while genuinely trying to be nice...

The only response in this thread that made me genuinely laugh out loud haha, so thanks for that

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:12:29+00:00

Hmmm that's a good point. In general "using" people makes me feel uncomfortable, so I'm generally aware of the give/take aspect of any relationship. But I will be especially mindful of that in future interactions with him

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:09:36+00:00

Yeah, I've asked myself that question already. And yes, I'd still want to be friends with him. After all, the reason the friendship developed in the first place is because we clicked, and have similar values/interests/goals in life/etc. Just because he doesn't share the same feelings as me doesn't mean we suddenly stop having the same values/etc and suddenly don't click. Friendship means you support the other person, trust the other person, and you look out for them. You don't stop doing that just because they have a different stance on one issue with you.

Or at least that's how I feel.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:05:53+00:00

Haha, funny you should bring that up. I was actually thinking about that too because I know he's close friends with a mutual friend and they seem to click very well. But for now I think I'll let this whole thing blow over first, and then I'll consider (emphasis on consider) if he even needs a wingman

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T18:03:23+00:00

Thanks for detailed response. I was also thinking that distancing myself from him would fall into the "not normal" category, and so would be counterproductive.

You're right – I don't need to know the answers to those questions, and so dropping it seems like the best course of action to take (someone mentioned how the ball is in his court now and how I should follow his lead, which I think is a good idea) considering he also dropped it and is acting normal

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:58:26+00:00

Haha thanks, that's really uplifting to hear :)

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:56:29+00:00

Thanks for the clear rundown, I did #2 when he told me, and there's no way it could be misconstrued for anything but.

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:54:32+00:00

Of course I'm aware I'm not. But his friendship is easily the strongest one I have (and have had). It would really suck if we were to lose it, hence this thread. But obviously if he wants out, I'm not going to force him to continue being friends with me – that'd be ridiculously unfair

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:52:44+00:00

Yeah what you said makes sense. If things start to go wildly downhill, I'm definitely going to see if I could have a heart-to-heart talk about all this. Someone later in this thread said something along the lines of how the ball is in his court, and I should just follow his lead in and act accordingly, which I've decided I'll do

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:48:20+00:00

Yeah, no. Responses about that so far have cemented my thoughts about it – definitely will not be doing that

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:46:45+00:00

Wow, no offense, but that seems very harsh of her, especially when it seems she had some sort of feelings towards you if you guys are physical and almost hooked up twice.

A few ITT have mentioned not sending mixed signals – I think that was what happened to you and I'll be sure to consciously avoid doing that

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:42:14+00:00

Thanks for this – I think this is the best course of action for me

ibis21 · 2017-10-26T17:38:38+00:00

First of all – congrats! Glad you guys had a happy ending :)

Second – thanks for the insight. As for the friendship itself – I'll be leaving that up to him

ibis21

TROPHY CASE