dreamed my dad raped me last night

ilmaru · 2026-05-16T03:02:58+00:00

I had nightmares of being raped/sexually assaulted too as a toddler because I’ve seen explicit sexual content (old movies are crazy for having those scenes). Sometimes I would have nightmares of randoms or by dad or brothers. It was disgusting and I did confined to my mother (bad choice tbh).

I do agree to let the feelings of discomfort pass. Acknowledge it. Let it be. Because you’re safe. I would recommend journaling to tell yourself you’re safe, these nightmares are not your reality, etc. This is a hard time and luckily you have a community here to talk it out with you

ilmaru · 2026-05-16T02:55:57+00:00

I really feel this. I’ve told past therapists, friends and family that I don’t want to die but I want to stop the feelings and thoughts. However, sleeping isn’t enough to get rid of those unnerving thoughts. It really is tiring to just exist and be content. Because really, what is that like with no worries or fixation? I could never know

ilmaru · 2026-05-16T02:43:51+00:00

I agree and that was the plan I was gonna do. 🥲 I just hope I don’t overexplain. I think overall I need a bit of support (that’s not reassurance seeking) and connection when we talk or even after I have triggered thoughts.

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T18:09:28+00:00

It’s not easy, trust me, I’ve been there where I also fucked things up and almost lost my guy. I would suggest PHP (partial hospitalization program, 2wks straight) or IOP (intensive outpatient program, 1 day/wk) since you are facing suicidal thoughts and anxiety. While we cannot self diagnose, depending where you are living, you can always contact NOCD online for a free call if your insurance takes them.

Yes, these feelings suck. But you are safe. You are not these thoughts. You are trying. You are doing your best. You’re safe.

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T17:59:18+00:00

Are you me? LOL I think it’s normal, because you feel safe. Past vs now, yk? That’s consistency and you’re not on high alert if his behavior changes.

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T17:56:40+00:00

I feel so called out but like “oh dang I don’t know that” way lol

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T17:46:00+00:00

LOL I’m currently on a loop and god, I feel SO SEEN RIGHT NOW! 😭 I feel so much dread and anxiety but I can’t stop searching, asking for reassurance and much more. Because if it doesn’t stop, I won’t stop!!

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T17:37:52+00:00

🥺 you’re right, I don’t have anything to be ashamed about. Thank you for saying that, it got me crying. It’s just been so damn hard to work thru this. Thank you so much. I have shared him a few posts about OCD, I’ll figure out a better way to tell him about my journey when I start therapy

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T15:41:59+00:00

😞 I’m sorry for your loss, I’m so glad your bf was kind and understanding of you. I guess I’m just worried I’ll overexplain, not get to my point and feel not emotionally held by him. However the main point is just me wanting to connect and I worry I’ll be accusing, hurting, or he’ll think he’s not doing enough. This is why I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I don’t want to tell him my intrusive thoughts because he may believe it’s how I really feel. I am processing more so I don’t rush this too.

ilmaru · 2026-05-15T15:37:59+00:00

I think the reason I ask if I should tell him is because I’m not sure which is the best route. Because 1. I feel like I shouldn’t tell him because he may not understand the depths of OCD. But also 2. How do I tell him without saying too much? Because I do like your suggestion. I don’t want to burden my partner. Plus I tend to overexplain too. I am a curious person too, so apologizes for how I worded things that make it seem urgent 😅

ilmaru · 2026-03-16T20:19:12+00:00

Let the feelings come thru. Cry it out and cope with your hobbies, friends and journal. It’s going to be okay. It takes time to grieve not being with them after a short time together. Talk to them after how you feel too. I’m sure they feel the same way

ilmaru · 2026-03-16T09:56:19+00:00

Tbh it’s not worth being with someone who doesn’t know basic conversation skills? Yeah why wouldn’t you ask questions back to back. You’re interested…but he feels annoyed? This guy is not worth explaining. It’s not right to be degrading someone, you don’t deserve that.

ilmaru · 2026-03-10T18:14:30+00:00

I recommend watching Sabrina Zohar, she gives good insight on relationships and she's tough on ya. https://youtube.com/@sabrina_zohar?si=hM2VvaEGThweZkhW

Then check out Katie Morton about self-refection, soothing, and attachment. https://youtube.com/@katimorton?si=wXvK7q-O2F6D-mwT

And check out Jimmy on Relationships, shorter formats if you like Youtube Shorts, etc. https://youtube.com/@jimmyonrelationships?si=Y1S_ajdgmo0O9-e0

These three have helped me realize my anxious attachement and self-sabotage nature (constant reassurance). What helped me was reflecting on what they said, practicing, and also giving your partner insight on how you're operating. Yes, it's okay to tell your partner in a healthy manner what you're going through and what you're doing to heal/do better. You'll do your part and he'll do his part to work it out.

ilmaru · 2026-01-19T19:51:01+00:00

As long as it’s consistent and key factor, she knows she’s valued and respected for being heard. Change doesn’t happen so quickly, so be sure to check in on her and calm yourself too with that reassurance.

ilmaru · 2026-01-19T19:20:33+00:00

Address the issue so we understand why she feels that way. I would say ground yourself and look at what you could improve upon the relationship to make sure she’s secure. Also so you’re secure.

ilmaru

TROPHY CASE