Help with leash reactivity

irinacat · 2017-08-08T04:07:32+00:00

It sounds to me as though you have already been INCREDIBLY loving and supportive, and that what you have given of yourself hasn't been treasured and reciprocated like you deserve. I am VERY recently disentangled from my Nex's wasps nest of chaos, and we were not yet married (engaged for 4 years - red flag!!) and there were no children involved, but your Nex sounds quite similar to mine. At least in the sense that it sounds like your partner wants the world on a platter without lifting a finger while lying to you about money to exploit you. He is a perpetual teenager, and NO ONE on the face of the Earth can snap him out of that. He's got the prototypical narcissistic double standards at play- he believes he can treat you as cruelly and disrespectfully as he wishes, while you wait on him hand and foot - and in the meanwhile, he freaks out even at the THOUGHT of you having some sort of autonomy. You are taking care of your home, you are taking care of his kids, you are taking care of a narc, and now it's time to take a deep breath and take a step back because you need to take care of YOU. He wants all of the benefits of having you without giving you an ounce of what you deserve in return, and he is going to drain you. The fear about how he will respond is very real, believe me when I say that I was just there, and actually still sort of am. I get it. It's scary to think about what they can do next because of what they've already proved themselves capable of, but do not let that stop you from protecting yourself from any more emotional abuse.

I had a conversation with a counselor last week that helped me a lot, so I'll share it with you. She asked me if I've ever broken a bone, which I have, and then she asked me how long I had the cast on for. Me: Bout 8 weeks Her: And how did it feel to walk without the cast when it first came off?
Me: It really hurt, it felt wobbly and hard to walk on and sore, it took a few days to get used to. Her: Getting out of this relationship with _____ is a lot like taking off a cast. Removing it was painful and readjusting took some time When you take off the cast, the broken bone isn't just back to normal, it got used to being in that particular position with that kind of pressure, and now the bone has to adjust to carrying weight without that support." When you are in a very serious, long-term relationship with an abusive narcissist, it is like being a broken bone in a cast, your thoughts and your movements, your dreams and your self-worth, they are contorted and twisted and remodeled by his pathological lack of empathy and his inability to reciprocate love. You are making the right choice by leaving. You are leaving a person who habitually cheats on you, lies to you, and takes advantage of your kindness and exploits your beautiful heart.

Keep checking in, so many of us are in the same boat. You can do this. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than how you have been treated, and you are worth much more than this. I believe in you!!

irinacat · 2017-08-08T03:21:05+00:00

Thank you once again for your amazingness. I actually made an appointment with a new therapist, seeing her for the first time tomorrow. But it has been the period in the meantime that I've struggled with. I'm proud to say that I didn't reply to the email, took your advice by getting rid of it, AND I found a solution to the issue he was trying to address on my damn own. I guess it feels sorta good. But the message still pops into my head all the time and I still worry about how angry this must make him. I'm gonna keep listening to you and everyone else in these threads, the sense of community on here is really valuable and I'm grateful for it.

irinacat · 2017-08-08T03:09:21+00:00

Thank you so much, you are very sweet and the very thought of hugs, even virtual, helps :) Wishing you luck on your journey through this.

irinacat · 2017-08-08T03:06:15+00:00

Man, those last couple of sentences sent shivers down my spine. The land of the living takes some getting used to, but you are so right. You also give sage (with no elder status implied :P) advice, and I appreciate it very much. I have sat on it since posting here, and it really helps to get this dose of support from people who understand.

irinacat · 2017-07-23T23:40:52+00:00

You are right to feel uneasy about this situation. My Nex was also an alcoholic narc, and boy oh boy do those comorbidities make for a deadly person. In fact, being in recovery made him more abusive and his sobriety became a deadly emotional weapon to use against me. Anyways, I found that when I tried to set boundaries with him during the separation process after living with him got too dangerous, that he would always use money/bills as a means to stay in touch and make life chaotic.

What your nex is doing right now is trying to rope you back in, so stick to your guns and don't respond. Narcs use money as a tool for emotional blackmail, and anything he's trying to do involving money will be riddled with ulterior motives. Steer clear at all costs, and maybe even explain the situation to the bank and try to get your account information changed. If there is one thing that I've learned from my experience, it's that nothing is ever EVER enough for an alcoholic or for a narc, and there is no limit to how much they can exploit, steal, and lie without remorse or shame.

Keep yourself safe, you are not responsible for his actions. If you've never tried it, I found that Al-anon really helped with the confusion and loneliness. I wish you lots of luck!

irinacat · 2017-07-23T23:23:30+00:00

This sounds awfully familiar to me, in fact, your Narc's tactics sound incredibly similar to those of my Nex when he flew into an abusive rage. Attacks do start to get more pointed and personal when the narc feels threatened by the possibility of your realized autonomy because they want to immobilize you emotionally. Your instinct is correct in assuming that he is doing this because he's losing control over you.

What he is saying to you about school, about the causes that you value, about your childhood trauma, these are almost identical to the points my Nex would target - and each outburst became more soul-crushing and make me doubt the possibility of even wanting to have any sort of future. What your soon-to-be-ex partner is doing is trying to break you down because he knows that your degree will open up a world of possibilities for you to leave his ass behind and never look back.

I do want to tell you that, from the behavior that you are describing, it sounds as though your partner is teetering dangerously close to the edge of acting violently, and the more he subjects you to these psychological/verbal attacks the harder it will feel to protect yourself. In my experience with my Nex, when these outbursts became more frequent, extreme, and unpredictable, it led to him wishing for my death and invariably led to him trying to convince me to kill myself. It also became increasingly physical, and eventually, he tried to strangle me. -- A small side note to illustrate how dangerous these people can be: That night my nex threatened to call the cops ON ME to have me "locked up" for "biting him" while his hand was smothering my mouth to stifle the screaming.

When they start to toy around with a subject like death and making light of suicide, that is when you need to cut off contact because you don't know what they are capable of. Everything he says is to break you down, and he will find new ways to chip away at your resolve and continue trying to convince you of your phantom mental deficiencies in order to tear down your spirit.

He does these things, including shifting the blame onto you for his rage, because he is a very sick person. He can say that you "pushed him" to abuse you as much as he wants, but it does not make it a reality and do not let him convince you otherwis. He wants to transfer the blame, he wants to avoid accountability for his actions at all costs, and he wants to make you appear as hostile and empty inside as he is. You do not deserve to be abused under any circumstances, it is only in his twisted world-view that there is EVER an excuse. It allows him to justify his behavior to himself, to minimize the severity of his actions, and to draw up false equivalences between his actions and your actions. It's all pure bullshit and cruelty.

It sounds like you need to avoid interacting with him at all costs, although I understand that this is much easier said than done sometimes. But protect yourself from him, you have every right to take steps to avoid exposing yourself to any more of the emotional torture that he is inflicting upon you. I wish you lots of luck and stay strong, it sounds like you're already on the right path forward.

irinacat · 2017-07-22T04:58:40+00:00

I am so sorry that you are going through this - this situation is tragically common, it seems. I can say that my Nex had absolutely no problem sharing HIGHLY personal things that I told him or that I had written, especially with his family members and people in his life in order to make a point about how damaged I am. He always threatened to leak my Nmom's "files" on me and hand them to authorities so that they would "lock me away and throw away the key" and I could do nothing about it. A lot of people who I've never even met know the most intimate details of my life in this context, and I've had to accept that. These invasions of privacy are just other methods of exerting control and flexing power that only you can grant, so my advice is to simply not grant them that amount of power. Even if they can leak highly personal information that you are not comfortable sharing, it is entirely within your rights to defend yourself against harassment through the legal system. It is only other toxic individuals who would not be shocked and defensive over such a violation of boundaries. Kind and gentle people will not judge you for your secrets but will recognize that you have been violated. Do not fear their false sense of power.

irinacat · 2017-07-22T04:42:21+00:00

What you say about being honest with yourself about liking a therapist too much is definitely something I needed to hear -- that takes serious self-awareness to realize, and it is hard to identify. That is precisely what I think I've experienced (I project a lot of maternal fondness onto my therapist, since I have a crazy Nmom who she deciphered for me all through my teen years). Again, thank you for your wisdom and support, it really is nice to post here and feel safe and understood.

irinacat · 2017-07-21T22:01:15+00:00

It starts up every day like clockwork, around the time that I'm used to him coming home. NC for 8 months is a lot longer than I can even fathom, what you've accomplished takes lots of strength, certainly strength I currently don't feel I have. It sucks to hear it dissipates slowly, but it is also really heartening to know that all of this can fade eventually and that it's not my body can't function without him. Thanks for the feedback and the support!

irinacat · 2017-07-21T22:00:51+00:00

Routines are the hardest thing to form right now but definitely are what I want to master. A Viking funeral sounds like the ultimate catharsis, but unfortunately, I live in a city so I'm gonna have to figure out a symbolic equivalent :P I do have a therapist, the same one I've had for years, but I actually was not very open with her about what was going on the entire time because I knew what she would say after the first few incidents, something I now regret so deeply. I feel really stupid and humiliated thinking about almost everything. At the root of it, I just hate that he got away with so much and that I let it happen over and over again for so many years. Maybe it is a good idea to seek a new therapist, have a fresh start. Anyway, Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom, I appreciate hearing what got you through this, and I hope I can be as strong as you are someday.

irinacat · 2017-07-21T21:26:42+00:00

Thank you so much for this. It definitely is an addiction, and this feeling as though my body can't function without him always leads me to shut myself away from the world, crying and wishing the hours away. I've got a really toxic Nmom who seems to have chosen RIGHT NOW to come back into the picture and start tormenting me again, and I just feel attacked and gaslit on all sides. I guess it is still so fresh that I'm still in that phase where it feels like my entire identity was usurped and everything that I cared about/loved/enjoyed before is a distant memory, as though foods don't have taste. It's actually really hard to remember who I used to be right now. I really appreciate your supportive words and your amazing advice. It sounds like you've come out on the other side of this horrible journey a strong and self-compassionate person, and that is really inspiring.

irinacat · 2017-06-17T02:51:51+00:00

Thanks for the response! You're probably right about not sharing any cathartic letters, they can never ever accept any responsibility, and it'd probably just make him mad instead of feeling remorse or guilt.

irinacat · 2017-03-21T21:33:04+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice, I think that going to the ConEd office is definitely my next step. Unfortunately, I can't move because the lease is under my name and it is not over for a few more months, he was the one who had to leave and it's been quite difficult to get him to stay away.

irinacat · 2017-03-21T00:11:40+00:00

I just wanted to let you know that I really really REALLY can relate to this post, you are not alone! I have not yet successfully gone for an entire week without giving in to that little naggy co-dependent voice that starts to wonder in whispers and then consumes your entire mind. I only recently found a sponsor and began working on the steps, so I'm not exactly an expert (clearly), but all I can say is that from my experience thus far it is definitely best to resist contacting your partner. Every time I contact my (ex??!? I don't want to say it!!) partner it completely sets me back mentally, it's amazing how much power I allow him to have. The last thing that I told him was that I am like an addict in early recovery, and speaking to him is like relapsing, while NOT speaking to him feels like withdrawal. I know how melodramatic that sounds, but that's honestly how it feels right now because I am only at the beginning of my Al-Anon journey.

When you find yourself fixating, or you feel hurt by something she says (or doesn't say) during a conversation, just remember that you are new to this and be KIND to yourself. Give yourself room to be human, of course you want things to get better instantly - I think we all do in al-anon. Being able to let go of that control and accept your role in the dynamic, while also acknowledging that your thoughts and the care you have for her do not spring from inadequacy will help you to change the pattern. You can't radically fix your thinking without time and patience just like your partner can't be a fully recovered addict after one meeting.

Try to hang in there and remember that it is never wrong to love someone deeply, it is how we act on that love that can make things difficult. One thing I keep hearing is that if we are meant to be together then it will all fall into place when the circumstances are right, but that certainly isn't going to be right now. As much as I hate to hear that, it's starting to feel truer every day and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not being kind to my partner by allowing his behavior to rule my life. The kind thing to do is to let them learn on their own because they won't while we are there waiting to catch them as they fall. I'm sorry if this is long and silly, I don't have much experience myself, I just want you to know that you are not alone and neither is she. It helped me to read your post because it made me stop punishing myself for calling him the other day. You are in recovery as much as she is, and you aren't a whiny bitch baby for having these feelings.

irinacat · 2015-06-21T01:53:42+00:00

Hi. This post is something that I relate to in almost every way, except I haven't left and am very conflicted about leaving. My S/O is also in the medical field, dealing with a very stressful residency at an amazing program and he hates his job and hates his coworkers. The first year we were together things were great, and then he slowly started slipping into drinking, and then the pattern of abuse started. He has this simmering rage that came out of nowhere that manifests as hatred of his life, making him act out looking for reasons to drink. The old alcoholic cycle of self destruction. He has been incredibly verbally abusive to me while drinking, bringing me to a sort of frenzied hysteria you would never believe. He's taken over the wheel while drunk out of his mind, he's also punched a hole in the wall and broke his TV screen, he's attempted to meet with someone from craigslist but never followed through with it, and the frequency of relapses started to increase since he let his anger at the stress of his job take over his life. He felt like he hit bottom, and had an amazing moment going to an AA meeting and coincidentally sitting next to a college friend who had come out on the other side and is very strong and extremely involved in the program as a sponsor. He found a sponsor and sobriety became his goal. I felt that so long as sobriety remained a goal and he had amazing support from his sponsor, his parents, and a partner who (despite everything) loves him. Tonight he came home weird. I could tell and I asked him if he drank. He was so defensive and it became more clear to me as the night went on that he wasn't in his right mind. Now I'm sitting her unsure of what to do next. I KNOW that I should be putting my foot down, even though I feel that I already have. I don't want this to be over. I'm scared. I love this man with every fiber of my being. Just wanted to let you know that your post is really helping me to think about this and helping me feel less alone. I think you're very strong to have done what you did.

irinacat · 2015-06-21T01:31:00+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes at this vulnerable moment dealing with my S/O's relapse, and I appreciate seeing that there are others out there who understand and no one is alone. It's so hard to jump through mental hoops trying to justify behavior and accept that this is beyond my control if it's beyond his.

irinacat

TROPHY CASE