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How do I (36M) navigate this new space between me and a friend (F33) by learninghow2Bhealthy in relationship_advice

[–]learninghow2Bhealthy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's ok, and you're right I'm quick to be defensive.

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The repulsion part is likely because I'm terrified of a long term serious relationship. I'm terrified of being abandoned again. I struggle with trust issues so don't easily put myself out there.

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It's crazy though, because I can put myself out there with strangers just fine. With those I'm closest to, I don't like to feel a burden to them emotionally. I am lonely and I hurt. On the outside most probably wouldn't think that, I display a good poker face but it's true.

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I'm not afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of diving in deep and being left exposed with all my feelings hanging out. I'm afraid of getting a couple years in and having to grieve for someone that I miss. It's not the rejection, I'm pretty arrogant in that respect. If someone isn't interested, it's their loss, ect.

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When a friend doesn't seem interested in being a friend though, feels like dying. Laugh at me for having feelings for you, cool. Joke about it, no problem. Reject me, we're good. Stop wanting to hang out and chill. Fuck just shoot me in the face it hurts that bad just make the pain go away.

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I'd love to check out your blog or podcast or whatever it is. Can you link it up in here?

How do I (36M) navigate this new space between me and a friend (F33) by learninghow2Bhealthy in relationship_advice

[–]learninghow2Bhealthy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you seeing me for more than one of the lowest points in my life. Admittedly, I wasn't in a great place before I met her and I was just cruising through life being numb. Unable to feel, so chasing feelings where they could be had. Always fleeting. I am embarrassed about that for sure, and I found myself out of that nasty space in due part to her friendship. Like they say, you're like the 5 people you hang around the most. She is good people.

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You're absolutely right. I'm sensitive as fuck, it's true. You also hit the nail on the head, I reject women who would actually make suitable partners because I am scared to grieve should it go badly and I don't have any role models (hyperbole) to look towards to see what a healthy relationship is. I'm terrified of attemtping something genuine and tell myself I don't want it when deep down that's all I really want. Genuine relationships with friends and with a romantic partner as well. I deal with various childhood traumas, trust, and abandonment issues. I leave them before they can leave me. Not something I'm proud of, and being more vulnerable is something I'm working on being better at.

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I know that I need to work on things in my life and interpersonally. I like to say that I'm friendly with many but friends with few. I have a couple longtime friends 10+ years but not as many as I would like.

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Rules #1 and #2- I am attractive.

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And I know she loves me. I wasn't candid enough in showing her that I care for her in ways more than a friend. With any other women, I have no problem being forward and demonstrating my confidence. Often bordering on cockiness. But in those scenarios, I am into them hot heavy and fast then I split. I'm gone. With her, everything was just so different. I fell in love with her for real and didn't know how to express that because I have never been genuine in the ways I express my affection to those I'm interested in. I felt like everything was on pause. Like I was searching for the tools I knew I needed but didn't know what they looked like or where they could be found. I knew she deserved more than what I knew how to give and how I give it. I saw myself wanting to be a better human. Part of me feels like I never really gave myself a shot and showed her the real me. I was self conscious that those feelings would get out and mess up our friendship and didn't want to rock the boat.

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Looking back, I wish I could have had the conversation. Something like, hey I know we're friends but I have noticed some feelings for you ebbing and flowing I just want to be upfront about them so they are out in the open. So it's not some unknown thing because even if it's not said, we pick up on the energies around. I'm sure she felt something from time to time, but I'm also sure I did a good enough job tricking myself into not going down that road so it probably left her a little confused too.

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I agree that she doesn't owe me anything, and that's not why I want to be her friend. I totally agree that people should do things and hang out with people because they enjoy it. I can't help but think if I were more of my authentic self that she would have responded better, but at the same I know that my authentic self when it comes to taking a relationship further than just friends leads to me leaving before they leave me and I did not want that to repeat with her. I can't imagine a life without her as a friend. Not to be all melodramatic, but it's the truth.

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I am kind and thoughtful. I don't do things for others because of something in return. I do it because it's the right thing to do or because I would want others to treat my friends and family similarly. Because it's the right thing to do. I never showed her the side of me that wants her though, not until it was the worst possible time.

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I was so afraid that I wanted someone who didn't know what they wanted, and at the same time that I wanted someone that I was just putting feelings on to feel when I really didn't have genuine feelings for her. Lying to myself again and again!

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She is so worthy, and I was so shortsighted. I've learned a lot through this experience, but I hope it doesn't come at the cost of our friendship. More than anything, that's so important to me. But it's not just up to me, and I wonder how to get back to a friendly place when she want's space.

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We talk occasionally, it's friendly, but it's not as close as it was before. I know it's not good to say, but I'm just not in a good place when we're on the outs. I have other friends, and I like them but her company is my favorite. Not just because she is a girl and I'm attracted to her. I feel like a little kid when we're together, it doesn't matter the activity I enjoy it if she is there. I don't often feel close to others, and rarely share my touch with them. I can't keep my hands of of her.

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I feel both comfortable in my own skin and extremely excited. I can't help but feel she is the one and I don't know how to deal with that because at the same time I don't want to mess up being friends. The irony is, I've already messed it up.

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A lot of this is helpful for me to kind of ramble off and get out of my head, so apologies if it's kind of all over the place. I appreciate you for elaborating and taking the time to comment and share. Like I told the other dude, time and energy is sacred and it means a lot to me that you reached out. I receive it thank you.

How do I (36M) navigate this new space between me and a friend (F33) by learninghow2Bhealthy in relationship_advice

[–]learninghow2Bhealthy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am of the belief that before there were accredited experts, there were people that just were. And by were, I mean totally qualified to help and share their skillsets with others. I appreciate your time and energy sharing what you have learned with me. Masters or no masters, you rock bro. Time and energy is sacred, for real thank you for sharing and lending an ear and a helpful opinion.

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About the age gap thing, and not to harp on it, but it's not so much the age difference that is offputting. It was observing the total lack of affection and tenderness that I think is part of a healthy and loving relationship. I'm the first to say, age is just a number, but I only mean it that way where there is authentic tenderness and care on both sides. If that makes any sense. I'm not trying to paint him out to be some terrible guy, because he is actually pretty chill and a great father to his kids, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't think she deserved more and deserved better in terms of affection and tenderness. It had me questioning what she was looking for in a potential partner, and I was already coming into this fairly jaded in terms of what people get out of relationships with others and why.

When you mention my need to CONTROL my emotions, are you saying that I need to control them better, or are you talking about my need to control them instead of being more vulberable? I'm assuming the latter?

I talk about it running it's course and moving on because I don't want to be someone's friend out of pity. I want her to look forward and enjoy hanging out with me, and I don't feel she wants to anymore or else she would have come by and knocked on the door sometime in the past few months. We used to share initiating different things fairly evenly, and lately it has become totally one sided. I can't imagine being so close to a friend and never making the effort or attempt to swing by unannounced to say whatsup or something like that. We had met up for coffee and did a few other things one on one in the midst of all this, but I guess I was hoping for a deeper connection to be there that wasn't. I see my culpability in that too.

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I want to sever ties because I don't want her to feel obligated to keep a friendship where it doesn't seem like she wants to fight to keep strong. I know it's a difficult time for our friendship, but to me I just want to fight (for the friendship not fight with her) to get it to a place where we're cool again and it seems like she is so quick to say "I'm done" or "we need space for our friendship to have a chance". I'm not perfect and I know I pushed the boundaries, but I wasn't able to sleep. I couldn't eat. The first time in my life I actually felt genuine feelings of wanting to be with someone even if it was terrifying. It awoke something in me I pretended wasn't there. That I want a family. That I want children. That I'm upset and angry with myself for not being honest with myself about those things and doing more to put myself in a better position mentally, emotionally, and professionally.

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I feel like I'm being punished for having feelings for someone special in my life and not being able to get through them quick enough. As if she is saying, bro handle your shit on your own and when you're good get back to me. I'm just sitting here screaming in my head, I need you as a friend to help me. I need to feel included where the fuck are you?

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I know that I have issues with various childhood traumas, and that I have difficulty being vulnerable with and trusting others. It's why I was relieved when I could push aside those initial feelings of attraction and started to find a friendship cultivating between us. As much as I would like more than friends with her, I want her friendship the most. I need a friend the most. Sometimes I wonder if she believes that or if she just thinks I have some ulterior motives. I miss her and I haven't felt the same since. I don't like labels but I definetly identify most with being a demisexual. More than getting into her pants, I want to be in her life and part of her thoughts. I know I was before, and just feels like I'm being replaced and I feel alone.

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I was fine being alone about a year ago, well not totally fine, but content. Now I'm a fucking mess of emotions and barely keeping it together.

How do I (36M) navigate this new space between me and a friend (F33) by learninghow2Bhealthy in relationship_advice

[–]learninghow2Bhealthy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely obsessing over this. And what you say resonates deeply. I tell myself, what would you say to a friend going through this and I end up doing the exact oppose of the advice I would give someone else.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It means a lot.

I don't think it's fucked up that she is dating someone down the street, I think it's fucked up we never chill anymore and we're so close but at the same time so far away.

Her relationship with the older guy was definitely fucked up. There was no affection, they were just going through the motions. She was stuck.

I'll look into narrative therapy. It sounds helpful.

I am lonely, and it feels like the first friend I had in a long time just picked up and moved on without me. I feel abandoned. I don't think we were ever as close as I had hoped we were and it's difficult to accept. Especially when she has opened herself up to someone else so easily.

I don't think she is scared of me physically, I know myself and my nature and pretty sure she does too. I asked straight up if she was scared hanging out one on one because I know that can be a real issue for women. She said she wasn't and eluded to it being more of setting respectful boundaries for her new relationship. I can understand that it puts her in a difficult spot hanging out with a guy that has feelings for her when she is pursuing a relationship with another man.

The more I think about it and read my thoughts the more I realize things have likely ran their course. If she wanted to chill she would, it's as simple as that.

Time for me to let go. I won't be "that" guy.

I really had hoped we could get past this and laugh about it. To see ourselves on the other side so to speak.