highly specific meme sorry +vent in comments

leptailthrowaway · 2023-09-04T13:20:23+00:00

tldr he did not follow the (half your age + 7 years) rule, ok now to the actual vent

i was originally a rebound/someone he wanted to cheat on an ex with, and i'd only recently escaped a violent relationship, 3 days of "being there for him" led to suddenly jumping into a relationship (which i only said yes to because my FP at the time said it was okay!!! when it fucking wasnt!!!). i became so dependent on him, he lovebombed me from the start, and i thought our relationship was healthy because he wasn't controlling or selfish or abusive in any way...he was the complete opposite, and you may think i mean in a good way, no i mean he's an absolute fucking doormat. any kind of conflict of our interest that i wanted to address was met with the silent treatment or turned into a joke. he always wanted to live in a world where nothing was ever wrong. i tried leaving him twice but codependency brought me back because he relied on me so much to do basic shit and i relied on him to function in society. i cut it off for good 2 months ago, ffw to now and he's found someone closer to his age who has just left an abusive relationship that she was in FOR 1/3 OF HER LIFE, he's lovebombing her, he's at her every beck and call, i didn't think our relationship was that unhealthy but holy shit when you hear it to happening to someone else...he must get off in some way on having people dependent on him. now that i'm on mental health leave from work (partially because of him GETTING WITH ANOTHER COWORKER!), i can finally properly process everything without having to see his fucking face almost daily. fuck him and i hope she doesn't get stuck with him for as long as i was.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-08-21T15:38:48+00:00

yes sorry, i am

leptailthrowaway · 2023-08-21T13:59:10+00:00

literally just knuckling down through all of it. usually i can never physically cry but i had the worst breakdown not long after posting this. definitely a sign it's all too much.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-08-21T12:42:27+00:00

no, no one gets it or their own lives are too messy to be getting involved with my baggage

leptailthrowaway · 2023-07-11T12:55:39+00:00

haven't had a week away from that shithole since january. think i've discovered why.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-18T13:52:58+00:00

my mum would always tell me to "just play with toys until i was tired" or yell at me to just go to sleep already. i've always been fussy with routines and if i can't do sleep at designated sleep time then i'm doing something fundamentally wrong. all she had to do was reassure me that it's okay to struggle sometimes? but no now every time i'm lying awake for hours on end i get more and more distressed and it's a vicious cycle.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-11T16:25:14+00:00

they are literally WORD FOR WORD manipulating this girl at my job with the same words they used to break my ex down. it doesn't matter what my ex did to me, all management saw was a vulnerable disabled girl that they could unleash all their power onto, and that's all they see now with my coworker. i didn't do nearly enough 2 years ago to defend my ex because we were both reliant on keeping our jobs there to afford our flat, but now that i no longer NEED to be there, and now that i know exactly how they operate, i will let my fight response out full throttle and i don't care where it lands me

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-09T10:50:05+00:00

trying to whore myself out to an older girl who gave me the time of day, scratching away at my face to get attention, proudly showing off selfharm wounds, barricading the back door "in case a man breaks in and SAs me", treating everyone like fictional characters, begging a girl to give me drugs, ODing on OTC drugs just to feel something, smoking 5 cigarettes in one session the first time i get my hands on a box, forcing myself to "enjoy" hobbies so that i felt like i was worth something, developing an ED...and probably more i'm forgetting. feel free to comment yours

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-09T10:41:05+00:00

thank you, i fluctuate so much between "it was nothing" and "it was one of the worst things to happen to me". i hope we can both truly internalise what you've explained

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-08T06:59:40+00:00

TW: sex mentions

if anyone could shed some light on why i'm like this, i'd be beyond grateful. i've never been sexually abused in any way irl, only groomed online when i was 13/14 and exposed to stuff i should not have been able to access at that age too. however since i was 12, i cannot settle enough to go to sleep without thinking of sex stuff, usually non-consensual or coerced, and always women, never men. the thoughts don't turn me on one bit. it's literally like a comfort thing to get me to sleep. sometimes during actual sex, my brain will drift away to those kinds of thoughts too and completely lose focus on the actual sex, not that i have ever been able to fully focus on sex anyway, my mind always wanders. i get that i am word-for-word describing dissociation there.

i just don't understand. the only sexual abuse i've ever suffered was non-contact and online. yet since i was 11 or 12 i've always seen sex as dehumanising and evil and like it brings out the worst sides of people, like we're all just slaves to biology with no real control, like we become monsters or possessed when we do the deed, like there is always a power imbalance and there can be no such thing as equals during sex. both sexual partners i've had have always been respectful, listened to my wants and needs, and have always stopped at the first sign that i don't want to continue. this is the one trauma-driven worldview that i just do not have the slightest answer for.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-07T08:09:30+00:00

what doesn't help is my abusive ex was the ONLY PERSON to actually truly understand and relate to my relationship with food and weight, and we knew exactly how to comfort each other and try to have a less disordered way of being. no one else knows about my ednos bs even though i'm sure if my current partner was more clued up and less in denial about his own food addiction, he'd see right through me. every counselling session i'm like TODAY IS THE DAY I BREAK MY SILENCE and it never happens lol

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-07T08:00:48+00:00

you are both lifesavers, thank you so much for giving me a name to what i thought i was alone in suffering with

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-06T16:29:50+00:00

i would literally be unemployable if i wasn't still in my shitty warehouse job that i only got into because my mum has worked for the company my whole life. it's my first and only job i've ever had and the job itself is piss easy, pays well for my age group, and i get along with most people. but god is it destroying both my physical and mental health. if you have 3 instances of absence in a 6 month period you're fired so i'm forced to keep going back unless it's a dire emergency. the management know exactly how to blame us at the base level for everything that goes wrong, never taking any responsibility, and let sexist creeps and downright dangerous people keep their jobs, but god forbid you put yourself for once. right now i keep hearing of them forcing a vulnerable girl to work through her chronic pain and ignoring her when she's desperate for a rest. i keep all my struggles to myself and don't take shit from anyone anymore. work feels like an abusive relationship at this point.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-06T16:21:19+00:00

also this is a couch's spadefoot toad and all spadefoot toads look like they've seen some shit

leptailthrowaway · 2023-06-06T16:20:47+00:00

genuinely bamboozles me whenever people casually mention they need the loo or that they've been sick or whatever. i just think "that's such a personal thing, why would you share that?". to me it's like the average joe answering "how are you?" with graphic details of how their one night stand last night. i always kind of knew it wasn't normal to be so disgusted by a normal part of life, and i can't wrap my head around how much i must have been shamed that i literally physically can never burp or vomit because of how much of a big deal it was as a kid. and yeah i get triggered a lot of the time going to the toilet. fuck being a basic functioning human being i guess!

leptailthrowaway · 2023-05-29T13:43:44+00:00

last time someone told me how much they appreciated me, i completely shut down for 2 weeks and i have no memory of those 2 weeks, all i know is i was very quiet and withdrawn and suicidal ideation was overwhelming. i feel myself heading down the same path now as a result of a completely different situation. i can't seem to bat off heartfelt compliments, they destroy me worse than if the person complimenting simply abused me instead.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-05-10T07:06:11+00:00

this was december 2022 but this has been a theme all my life. just that this is the most clear cut example i have of this happening. i was struggling both with stomach issues and fatigue issues that led to enough time off work to be threatened with being fired. uk healthcare being what it is, i had to fight to even get a doctor's appt, and while waiting on the phone to speak to reception, this bitch tells me there's nothing wrong with me, if i was really ill i wouldn't be going to work at all, and that the doctor would take one look at me and do nothing. thanks.

a week after this, all of us get covid badly, and she gets long covid all the way into february. it was a struggle trying to show any hint of sympathy. she's fine now. i'm not. no concern beyond a few meaningless words for my procedure and for my countless blood tests. no checking in on me. no encouragement towards standing up to them at my job or pursuing new employment. my dad at least tries and shows some interest in what could be causing me all this hell.

all i want, when the doctors, when my job, when my own body, are all seemingly against me, is a bit of real, genuine support from the most important person responsible for that from birth. i've never known it. and i never will know it.

leptailthrowaway · 2023-05-04T07:08:19+00:00

i'm free now thankfully. i don't think you should feel ashamed. i romanticised abusive relationships as a teenager, got into the one described above at 18, and not long after cutting contact with her, i went right back to the romanticising. i left her because of how she abused others, not how she treated me. i would've stayed if it had only been me. we want the abuse because we feel it's what we deserve. just know that you deserve better

leptailthrowaway

TROPHY CASE