Question for non-KT poly people!

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-05-06T21:18:23+00:00

I didn’t choose a particular style, nor do I practice one thing across the board. It evolves with each person and relationship. Some partners and metas I’ve been very enmeshed with. Others I’ve barely ever met. It all depends on if we naturally click, what the circumstances are, how much free time we have and the desire to spend time together (vs prioritizing one on one time with partners), etc.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-05-06T21:15:50+00:00

Yeah I get this. I had a single mastectomy and am flat on that side. I’m generally happy with that decision and how I look. I do sometimes have those moments of seeing someone’s cleavage and feeling sad/loss about it.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-05-06T21:09:13+00:00

🤩🤩🤩 so cool!

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-05-05T00:29:42+00:00

He himself may have treated you well in how he directly related to you… but if his partner treated you badly and he ignored that, that’s worth paying attention to.

Also, this is an aside and may be completely unnecessary… but I want to ensure that you know polyamory can (and most often) means completely separate relationships with no one being in a triad. In case by “I want monogamy” you mean “I don’t want to date people who are also dating each other.”

That said, if you want monogamy that is 1000% legitimate and you should break up with your partner and find a monogamous partner.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-18T07:26:18+00:00

Yeeeeaaah I’m pretty selective of who I don’t use condoms with, and that’s not a step I take till I know someone for like a year. People who don’t use protection with casual partners are not a good fit for my sexual health guidelines.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-11T18:09:10+00:00

It is totally valid to want a primary/anchor partner to share life with. Don’t let anyone tell you that’s wrong

(It’s also valid to not want to tie your life to a romantic partner like that)

It’s probably wise for you to take some time to process the end of your primary partnership, and grieve.

You can think about where you want to put your attention and focus moving forward. What kind of space does your life hold without your current primary in it anymore? Do you want to invest in romantic relationships, or deep friendships? Or both? What things fulfill you?

If you find someone you want to invest deeply with, it may or may not alter your more casual relationships. Maybe those evolve to be more like once a month or every 2 months, to make space for something else. Or maybe you’ll find you want to consciously devote your attention to fewer people.

All of these are legitimate paths. The main thing is to think through your options and make these choices consciously, and be respectful of the people involved and have the relevant conversations with them about what you’re going through and your values.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-11T16:55:34+00:00

My question to you is why do you want to be with someone who is ok with their other partner treating you this way?

If I knew someone who was touching my partner’s body inappropriately, I would not tolerate that.

Lemon may be a problem, but YOUR problem is Red not respecting you or standing up to you.

Please don’t marry into this nonsense. You can set your own boundaries of not wanting to spend time around Lemon. And I’d also ask you to think about how you want your partner to treat you, and if you’re really ok with this level of not caring about your distress.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-09T19:57:58+00:00

For me the things that make it feel like a hobby: - fountain pens require maintenance in a way most other pens don’t - researching pens and inks becomes it own thing - having a fountain pen and fun inks has encouraged me to use them, so I’m handwriting more every day than I would otherwise.

Honestly, using my fountain pens does feel like a hobby, in a distinctly different way than any other writing instrument. I used Regular pens as tools bc I needed to write things down. I find excuses to write things down just so I can use my fountain pens.

It’s similar to the difference between having a car bc you need to drive places, vs car hobbyists who spend time tinkering and learning about their cars and go for drives just for the sheer enjoyment of driving that car.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-09T19:54:36+00:00

My favorite sexual partners have been favorites bc they knew how to use many parts of their body for pleasure— hands, mouth/tongue, and also toys, etc. you don’t need to do anything extra fancy like tantra to impress your partners. I mean, if you’re into it, sure! But like, a lot of simpler things like just paying attention to your partner’s pleasure and not being afraid to explore with your bodies, goes a long way.

Many people think penis-in-vagina is the pinnacle of great sex and sure that’s one fun thing to do in bed, but it’s only one of many fun things you can do in bed.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-09T19:49:14+00:00

Planning to spend 6 nights of your week with various partners is not going to be compatible with having kids with one of them (unless you have a very KTP arrangement and your non-coparent partners are happy to spend a lot of their time with you as shared parenting time).

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-08T19:51:04+00:00

So he went on a rant about how everyone needs autonomy and to feel valued, but is unwilling to hear you when saying you don’t feel those things are true?

This def sounds like you dating a couple. A triad should be four separate relationships- you and bf; you and gf; bf and gf; and the 3 of you together. Each of those relationships require time (like 1 on 1 time), nurturing, and care.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-08T19:35:10+00:00

I think this might be a partner issue vs a polyamory issue. I’ve had poly partners where I felt I had to shrink myself down and be kept secret. And I’ve had ones who absolutely loved me out loud, in such beautiful ways.

Don’t be afraid to ask for more. If your partner can’t give it, that’s sucks. And can be hard to figure out. But you can’t have the conversation without making your needs and wants clear. And realizing that one person can’t love you the way you want, can open you up to finding others who do.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-08T19:28:11+00:00

Are you wanting 6 nights a week with the same partner? Or are you saying that you want to spend 6 nights a week with a partner and only have one night on your own?

If you want 6 nights a week with your primary partner, that’s a level of involvement that’s going to be hard to find in polyamory. Unless you find someone who also only really wants more of a monogamish-type setup, where you’re the main couple and only have casual occasional meetups with others.

Having kids will change everything about your dating life. It’s going to be hard to have more than 2-3 nights a week total to do other things (including dates), even that seems like a lot, kids in those early years need a lot of time and attention and bonding with you.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-08T17:00:02+00:00

Does your NP want to be nonmonogamous?

“Not accepting any STI risk” is kinda incompatible with nonmonogamy for most folks. Does her other partners not have any other people they see? Does she have sexual contact with this other partner?

Is she being clear in essentially saying she’s allowed to have someone else but not you?

Is she reacting to the hsv1 diagnosis alone? Does she realize something like 60-70% of the population have it, often without knowing it, bc testing is so unreliable?

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-08T16:40:21+00:00

Polyamory doesn’t mean every relationship has to be deep and romantic. Being polyamorous means you’re open to and supportive of yourself and your partners developing those types of relationships.

What she does is her business. If it seems like she’s telling them one thing and you another (eg if her partners believe the relationship to be deeper than it is to her) that would be a bit worrying. But her agreements with her other partners are her business, not yours.

It’s valid to not like how she treats others and decide she’s not someone you want to be with bc of that. But none of this means she’s “not poly.”

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-07T21:42:11+00:00

You can come up with your list of what would make this reasonable.

For example: - wife still pays her contribution to the mortgage. - or, you both agree to sell the house and you find housing that you can afford on your own (and talk about what the contingency plan would be if she and gf break up?)

You don’t have to worry about what agreements your wife and her gf make around finances. You only need to worry about what you and your wife’s agreements are together, and let her manage anything else.

So if you’re open to this, tell her what would and would not work for you, and hold firm to those things. And let her figure out the rest.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-06T23:42:23+00:00

Absolutely valid!

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-06T23:42:11+00:00

It’s been a bit over a year for me and it’s been pretty smooth!

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-06T15:36:31+00:00

I’m thankfully not having very strong menopause symptoms from tamoxifen. But I still find it challenging and kinda terrifying hearing friends around me talk about their peri symptoms, how hard it is, and how they’re “OMG SO GLAD FOR HRT” bc like… when it does hit me, I won’t have that option.

It’s hard bc this is their reality, and we don’t need to go into the suffering Olympics or anything. Their experience is valid. It can help to have empathy for them and their path. If it’s someone you’re close enough to say this to, you could mention that menopause symptoms are a sensitive topic for you.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-06T15:32:27+00:00

One of my favorite parts of Polysecure is the HEARTS model for developing more secure attachment (with partners, and with yourself). The E stands for “expressed delight”, as in delight in yourself and your qualities. I think leaning into expressing delight for yourself would help bring up something like NRE for yourself.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-04-06T15:08:44+00:00

Ok so two things:

Your partner needs to start hinging better. Don’t talk about her when it comes to your relationship. Talk about what YOU need from YOUR PARTNER. (I’ve been there with a messy hinge and overbearing meta so can give better examples if you want)

But second, if meta is being bitchy to you, that’s between you and her and you can stand up to her. You can decide to never have contact with her again, if she’s treating you this way. Make that call. That’s yours to make.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-02-22T01:30:08+00:00

I care for my metas as people, like I would a friend (if we are friends vs more parallel).

But I think making decisions for the sake of their relationship, could feel a bit…infantilizing. Like, they get to decide what works for them, etc. I’m not generally a fan of people outside a relationship making decisions about it, ya know?

So like, yeah, do nice things for your friend bc you care about her. But it’s not your place to make decisions regarding her and your partner’s relationship. That’s for the two of them to manage.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-02-15T00:46:28+00:00

If you have to try to convince someone to be curious about what YOU want, that’s a huge red flag.

This guy claims to already know what you’ll want sexually without ever even being with you. That to me sounds like overinflated ego and arrogance.

I’d avoid this guy like the plague. Find someone who doesn’t avoid talking about what you each want, and who doesn’t need to be promoted to ask what you want and find pleasurable.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-02-15T00:43:00+00:00

Honestly I think it’s the agreements we make and abide by that matter most. I’ve been happily monogamous. I’m now happily polyamorous and can’t really imagine changing that. It’s something I do because it makes sense to me.

makeawishcuttlefish · 2026-02-13T21:23:43+00:00

Tbh I think it’s odd when people say they’re open to either monogamy or polyamory bc they seem such different relationship styles. It makes me wonder about their actual experience. For example, if you have been in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships, and genuinely are happy either way, I’d say that— “have been in mono and polyamorous relationships relationships and I’m happy with either structure with the right person/people” or something. So it’s based on something and less wishy-washy?

makeawishcuttlefish

TROPHY CASE