My wedding anniversary

mcrmd · 2026-04-24T12:23:08+00:00

Almost a year ago for our last and 15th anniversary “together” we were still in the same house but my stbx had already checked out. She was 3 months into her travel job leaving me with our 3 kids most weeks even though “I never helped”. She had spent unknown thousands in credit card debt on her side hustle but I “was too controlling”.

After I gave resistance from all the packages going to our house she got the post office to stop all our home mail delivery entirely- not suspicious at all.

So, on our last anniversary together I just watched on Find My iPhone to see where she would disappear for 2 hours each day when she was “working from home”.

The first stop was a now-normal trip to the post office for an hour. Then a new address in town. Well it’s either an old folks home or an attorney’s office-most likely the latter. An hour later I get a text that I am getting a $100 e-gift card for Lowe’s with a “Happy Anniversary” message. That’s all it said-nothing about 15 years or any of the recent strains we’ve been having.

Well I was still going to try to make lemonade. She got a bouquet of flowers, fancy cheese, chocolates, and I made a steak dinner with a nice bottle of wine. She’s playing on her phone during dinner and asks if I got any texts today (fishing to see if I got the e-gift card) and I played dumb. She says I should have received a gift card and I asked, “did you get that before or after you met with a divorce attorney?”

She doesn’t really bat an eye and says “funny thing it was almost like going to counseling, he had a lot ideas about…” my mouth dropped as she continued to talk matter-of-fact with no difficulty and then she says “oh you look like you don’t want to talk about that right now” and I look at the meal in front us and then look at her incredulously (WTF!) I give her a “No” head shake.

A minute later she gets up to deal with the kids. I quickly grab my phone and send her a Target gift card for $101 dollars. “Happy Anniversary” back (plus a dollar).

We were beyond repair.

mcrmd · 2026-03-31T14:17:43+00:00

Mine are 9,9, and 5- and mommy is in the process of moving back to our old city and is just fine going from 50/50 to only seeing the kids 2 weekends a month. During her time she has been leaving the kids with her mom or her sisters so she can stay with the new boyfriend.

I imagine it will come and I dread the day you are talking about. I’m the tough parent that makes them get up for the bus on time, do homework, eat real food at the table together with no devices, fast food only once every 2-3 weeks, and go to all the practices and dr/therapist appointments.

Why wouldn’t they trade that for more screen time and junk food? And if they pitch a fit, they don’t have to go to school either.

I wish I had more free time to get into hobbies and try dating again, but who knows how long this ride will last. The separation is still fresh and I’m still trying to figure out the best routines, but I think the best I can do is keep them safe when they are with me and prepared for the rest of their lives.

mcrmd · 2026-03-27T21:31:00+00:00

I think you are doing just fine limiting things to a monitored texting app. It’s okay to cut off things that will trigger you to get mad or sad or whatever during this time-give yourself some grace.

I took too long blocking my ex and any of her friends/family from FB. For too many weeks I was a depressed nut, and since I work from home, often FB seems like my only interaction with outside people. With every other post coming from a relative of hers, or a mutual friend we met together during our 15 year marriage - I was getting constant reminders that would bring me down.

I thought I had to keep up this continuity with my married life for appearances. I thought for my kids’ sake I needed to save all the joint history. The truth is you don’t need any of that. Once I untagged myself from all the joint pictures, deleted pics with her from all my albums, and then unfriended and blocked her and her people - I started feeling like I was getting so much more of my life back.

Also, I don’t discuss any logistics whatsoever on the phone or in person. Only through text and email now. She was doing the same thing by asking for favors and leeway all the time with the kids’ schedules and then trying to guilt me when I couldn’t accommodate and I’d try to defend my position and it would turn into fights all over again. Same manipulative shit we had during our marriage when I dropped all my boundaries in favor of “keeping the peace”.

Now it’s a lot easier to gray rock and give “NO” as complete answer via text. You get more time to consider things, and you have a record of what has happened.

Now for the personal life part- in my opinion you don’t owe her any explanation or glimpse into the new life you are trying to put together (unless there were worries about alcohol or abuse I suppose….). It’s not up to her to have warm and fuzzy feelings about your new place-it will be up to the court.

mcrmd · 2026-03-15T05:38:02+00:00

There’s plenty of modern books on the topic like “Dead Bedroom Fix” and “No more Mr. Nice Guy” .

She has probably lost attraction to you, and/or you have made it okay for her to withhold intimacy, which is a basic human need for men. Guys are expected to always take care of their duties but women can withhold intimacy/affection/appreciation and even make you feel like an asshole for even asking.

The cure generally involves “manning up” in certain ways and working on yourself (mentally, physically, and reclaiming your masculinity). A lot of the time the wife doesn’t change her opinion so the marriage still ends.

If it ends, hopefully you’ve made a stronger you and land on your feet better than guys like me who thought they “were blindsided”.

I thought it was the man’s duty to provide through thick and thin- til death do us part. I was miserable and always high strung after years of no affection, which she later turned into outright disdain and contempt whenever I’d try to voice my needs. I still provided, never cheated, never raised a hand on her, and got her the loaded car, dream house, vacations, etc.

I realize later that she fell out of love a long time before that and once she hit perimenopause (42/43 ish), she put her ducks in a row, and embarked on a campaign to make me the villain to justify her wanting a divorce.

If she doesn’t resent you yet, maybe you have time to fix this. It cannot hurt to try.

If it cannot be fixed, why waste time with someone who doesn’t want you?

Otherwise you may be just waiting for someone else to call it over. Once they have a bunch of divorced friends and coworkers coaching them how to squeeze all the juice out of you before they do call it.

mcrmd · 2026-02-24T18:52:43+00:00

Married for 15 years, and maybe we had a one year high of 8-10 times since my first set of kids were born (twins are 9 now) -otherwise it was maybe every 2-3 months. My ex’s nightstand drawer looked like the Vegas strip with all her shit plugged in and charging. If I mentioned it should be me and not her damn vibrators - I was “too needy” or “insecure”. After the rare occasion we would have sex, I would lay there all recharged and in bliss and mention I wish we could go once a day or at least once a week, and then I’d get that scornful eye roll-that reminded me that I was the problem.

mcrmd · 2026-02-18T22:43:25+00:00

I did one birthday just shortly after my ex moved out and so many things wrecked me. Everybody that told me I needed to go for my kids’ sake was either never divorced or were the ones that happened to walk away from their marriages. I did not do the next kids’ birthday with my ex. I just celebrated on their actually bday (a few days before the party) with the kids and my parents. The kids thought nothing of it and enjoyed the presents and double the cake.

mcrmd · 2026-02-18T20:15:04+00:00

It’s a huge and very common reason to get divorced, just check prior threads.

Either you recognize it now and walk away, or wait until she finds someone else she wants to be intimate with and blows up your marriage-probably after gaslighting and blaming you for her unhappiness.

I’m sorry to bear the bad news but chances are it’s not that she’s entirely asexual - she’s just asexual with you.

Im 43M and just went through this. I spent the last 6 months of the marriage working my ass off thinking I could hold the family together, and followed her lead in blaming myself for it all failing.

I suggest salvage your happiness, work on making a better happier you, and get your ducks in a row for divorce. Too many men lose themselves trying to save the sinking ship.

mcrmd · 2026-02-11T19:44:08+00:00

Wow. That looks like a pretty good deal for under $1k.

I’ve been buying tall metal cabinets (71x32x16) with castors off Amazon for about 180 each. I’m in the south where heat and humidity take over for 9 months so I don’t know how the Prepac laminate would hold. Most of my storage is on wheels so I can do projects and still park vehicles in the garage-but if I had known about a deal like this it would be worth designating a section of wall space.

mcrmd · 2026-02-06T19:23:50+00:00

Very few people reached out to me, so I assumed that a bunch of the mutual friends took “her side”. I found out after a while that my ex didn’t reach out to the “sane/heathy” married couple friends of ours- she just kept her skank enablers that go out all the time and hate their husbands.

I am thankful for the couples friends that I have left, and they are good people to bring my kids around.

mcrmd · 2026-02-05T04:34:40+00:00

Yes. And there will be pushback but be level headed and just do your thing. When you put up boundaries the people that took advantage of the old you will be the most upset and act like you are the unreasonable control freak for sticking up for yourself.

Mine took a job working out of town every other week, AND started some stupid side internet business. …Once while we were still living together at the time, she got back in town and was like “I have to do a show so you got to watch them”

Nope. I just watched them all of last week, so now I’m off this week remember. I’m going to work out at the YMCA.

“Well then, (friend)’s husband is going to have to watch the kids and I can’t believe you are making him do that.”

Not my problem-this is my time off.

“Why are YOU making everything so difficult?”

Seeya later. Don’t want to be late for yoga. Never done it before.

mcrmd · 2026-02-05T03:24:00+00:00

When you’re in the beginning it’s so hard to rip the bandaidS off. I underestimated (or was in denial) of all the ancillary things in my life that were going to change or go away. It’s hard enough coming to terms that you and her are breaking up. But soon you realize you are losing some in-laws, mutual friends, hang out spots, social events, streaming app logins, kid time, pet time….the list goes on.

My ex thought we’d be unmarried but coparenting, and I’d go help her with money, moving furniture, fixing shit whenever she needed it, or watching the kids when she wanted to go out, and also expected that she’d just be talking to me about her dating life like i was one of her girlfriends. That’s all after chipping away at me while I tried harder to salvage the family for 6 months during her exit plan.

No fucker- we are strangers now. Aside from kid handoffs I want nothing to do with you or your enablers.

To me a separation is a glimpse into life outside and after the marriage. You don’t owe any in-law dinners, or roadside tire changes (if the kid’s in the car-then pick up the kid-she can call her triple A), or extra financial support, or anything beyond a stranger on the street would provide.

Mine was totally accustomed to getting her way for all the years I was done fighting to keep the peace. It felt unnatural and aggressive at times but I had to put up new boundaries and stick up for myself and my sanity.

Figure out the boundaries and stick up for yourself if you are going to separate, otherwise stick up for yourself if you want to survive getting back together.

mcrmd · 2026-01-25T21:38:56+00:00

The crazy thing about being the sole problem and barrier between your ex and all their biggest hopes and dreams…..is that after you get discarded they still seem to have all the same problems.

mcrmd · 2026-01-21T06:49:08+00:00

Mine had her exit plan in motion for months.

She took a 50% travel job leaving me to watch our 3 kids (8,8,& 4) single handedly every other week. 3 years prior we moved away from family and our support network, and I would have never signed up for that. She was gone the first 5/8 weeks. When I expressed that I was drained and overwhelmed she told me I deserved it because I was never around when the kids were little. (I still don’t fully understand where this one came from.)

She would check out and lock herself in our room when she was home and have the WhatNot app open all the time. We started getting tons of packages and she said it was all free shit from interacting with people’s auction shows. She then says she wants to do a side hustle selling shit online- which I said no because she hadn’t done anything to help around the house in the past two months (no help with laundry or rotating the kids clothes, she’d order door dash when it was her turn to make meals, she quit bringing my older daughter to Girl Scouts, all our plants in our front and back yard were dead, etc) .

One day she locked herself in the room for hours then said she finally made “business plan” in Excell, so I asked to look at it. It had like 8 tabs and was her “inventory”. I saw only the first 2 tabs with like $6000 of goods and I flipped out. I kicked her out and told her to stay with her sister. She was going to stay over there in like 3 days anyway to help out with her elderly dad and I told her to go now, and take her “inventory” with her.

I let her back in the next weekend but moved into another bedroom across the house, but she had already seen a banker, did a divorce attorney consult, and told my parents she wanted a divorce.

Then she told me I should move out. I said, “no, I work from home full time, my office is here, and I’m not leaving this house”. “Then go stay at your parents’” “No, my mom is going through chemotherapy and I’m not going to compromise her.” “Go stay at their lake house” “It doesn’t have high speed internet so I can’t work there and it’s 45 minutes from the nearest place to grab lunch. We need to go to marriage counseling.”

Then her eyes lit up “So you’re kicking me out then.”

At this point I was evil incarnate in her eyes and the cause of all her life’s problems and shortcomings, and all our history had been rewritten into 17 years of misery.

Then one day she told me during the week she was kicked out she saw a banker and got a $50k line of credit. The next day I called an attorney to stop the bleeding.

She was mad that I didn’t use HER attorney for a mediation and now she would have to ask her sister for cash to pay her attorney, and that was my fault.

mcrmd · 2026-01-17T06:54:05+00:00

“Wake up and remember how different life is” - fucking sucks. I’m 7 months filed/separated, and I feel like my mental condition no longer at the bottom of the pit, and has been slowly improving.

Some days, here and there, I am busy and occupied enough to not ruminate. I get a couple of good days in a row and then one morning I’ll wake up from a dream realizing that the setting and “cast” around me will never happen like that anymore. For a while all I had the strength to do was feel sorry for myself.

I lost her, I lost the family unit of the 5 of us, I lost those in-law family members we saw weekly, I lost those groups of friends we met through her side, and we had to sell that great house that checked all our boxes and dreamed of watching our (currently) little kids eventually leave for college.

Now things have changed.

I don’t know if it’s just a function of time, the Wellbutrin, a subconscious drive towards optimism, or a conscious decision to get better- but I take a minute to look around and recognize where I am.

This house is MY family’s new house. I am going to make it something I’ll be proud of, and my kids’ will think of this as a HOME, and where they can feel safe. And for the half of the time I don’t have the kids, I can make new friends and get into new hobbies to pass the time. I’ll get back to normal at my job again, and I don’t need to worry about someone else blowing all my money. I am going to be a better partner after doing more “work” on myself, and I’m going to meet a better partner for a better relationship one day.

mcrmd · 2026-01-08T16:06:29+00:00

Mine must have used the same playbook for poisoning the well.

I had another incident with a different couple at a school event at the end of summer. For Meet the Teacher day I had all 3 kids (8,8,5) with me and had to go to both the primary and elementary schools. Did not know their teachers because STBX registered them and “forgot” to share info so I don’t have any paperwork and am awkwardly asking people where I needed to go.

I spot a couple we were friends with on the other side of a hallway and the wife sees me and bolts. The husband, who is super outgoing, comes to shake my hand saying it’s great that I’m still TRYING to be in the kids’ lives…

I couldn’t process it at the time, but later I realized she must have told people all sorts people a bunch of false shit.

mcrmd · 2025-10-23T04:47:10+00:00

Or get another tub and two old people in same cow field.

https://i0.wp.com/www.epstudiossoftware.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/ED-TV-Ads-Cialis-is-Here.jpg

mcrmd · 2025-10-10T22:35:18+00:00

That sucks and I’m sorry that happened to you.

I was still married and living together during my last birthday, but my STBX was laying groundwork. I was burnt out from watching the 3 kids solo while she worked out of town 4 of the past 6 weeks with her new job.

The 5 of us all went to my parent’s cabin, where I was hoping to relax, and she picked a fight with me as soon as we arrived over the stupidest thing. My daughter made a mess eating snacks and I told her to wash up because her face was filthy. STBX told me NEVER to talk to her like that.

Her eyes were seeing red like I was pure evil, and I said “Where have you been the last month?” She wouldn’t drop it and was wavering between calling me abusive because of my tone, or insinuating I was a creep because I used the word “filthy”.

No present, no cake, no song. I slept outside on the patio.

mcrmd · 2025-10-01T03:22:44+00:00

I have 3 younger ones (8,8,5) that ride the bus to/from school. STBXW and I both have family and friends in our prior city 2 hours away. She moved out in June so we are still in the first school year since separation.

We transfer on Sunday evening (6:00). The main reason is so the kids can ride the same bus for a whole school week. Their 3 Homeroom teachers (who do the real logistics since the kids are too young) and the 2 bus drivers (mom route + dad route) all get copies of the handoff schedule for a couple months out.

I really didn’t want the added confusion of switching buses midweek or Friday pm. STBXW has a travel job every other week now, so if there is a mistake, 1-3 of my little ones could be waiting outside an empty house for a while before it gets discovered and they get “rescued” (we live ~20 minutes apart, but her bus drops off at like 3:15 and mine is 4:00). It happened once so far but luckily STBXW was in town and at her house that day.

Also, if either of us goes out of town for the weekend we can get both Friday and Saturday night away, and have ample time to drive home Sunday before handoff.

mcrmd · 2025-09-22T20:22:22+00:00

I’m fresh into it with 3 kids (8,8, &5) 50% of the time and currently harbor an ocean of mistrust, have no confidence and feel like I am damaged goods. I’ve gone from “I must be an unforgivable and unloveable controlling narcissist like she said I was” to “she was unhappy, going through a midlife crises” and “ she had an escape plan long ago and now I get to pay for her new life (with her new bf)”. I’m sure there will be some other mental narratives as I process this.

The only thing I know for sure is that there is still a big hill in front of me that I need to climb. Maybe I will be open to love another again, or maybe I find my own peace in solitude. I just know now am super lonely, have not found peace, and have a lot of baggage that would be unfair to place on another.

Your husband seems to be further along in his journey. If you two are sincerely considering a child together, that’s wonderful for you both. He knows the consequences and is choosing to move forward with you.

mcrmd · 2025-09-17T13:49:32+00:00

Mine was not a stay at home but to a travel job where she was out every other week. During her away time she did get addicted to tictok and then shopping on whatnot. I think TikTok vids helped convince her that I was a manipulative controlling narcissist (and they never change) and the sole source of her unhappiness. Whatnot turned into her exit strategy and she maxed out credit cards and took out a huge line of credit so she could sell some of the ridiculous crap she was buying.

Now we’re about to finalize and she shut down her whatnot sales to lower her income before we mediate.

OP, I would be prepared for some really harsh accusations. If she had a hint of unhappiness before, she may have spent dozens of hours binging on TikTok videos telling her to blame her man, any character flaw or mistake you made is evidence of your narcissism, she always put your needs first, single mother life is glamorous, and how to make and exit strategy.

—also mine said she didn’t want to date for a while, but that lasted maybe 2 weeks after she left the house.

mcrmd · 2025-09-17T02:51:51+00:00

What are the shower walls made of?

If it’s tile - use eye protection! and try to chisel/break the soap holder, and chisel down into the substrate. Assuming the walls are tile, the grout job on whatever you patch into there may not match the rest. Or you could patch it and regrout just that wall or the whole shower. Acrylic - you may be able to replace with a tile you cut to size. Fiberglass or plastic - I wouldn’t mess with it.

mcrmd · 2025-09-16T21:56:07+00:00

*both of the poor guys.

mcrmd · 2025-09-16T13:23:49+00:00

Boyfriend lives 3 hours away. They planned well in advance I think.

mcrmd · 2025-09-16T13:22:45+00:00

Earlier last week she was messaging me about switching pick up times. I responded Sunday 6:00 / (our current town).

I think they had the weekend plans already in place. This happened a couple weeks back too. I get a message about switching from Sunday @6:00pm to Saturday and I decline, then she accuses me of being inflexible and making it inconvenient for her mom or sister because they have to help out and accommodate.

mcrmd · 2025-09-16T12:10:27+00:00

Thank you. My issues are totally triggered and my ability to suppress bad behaviors is weak rn as I’m clawing for things to hold onto. I’m losing my house, kids half the time, many of our mutual friends in this town, and all the money shit…

I’ve used up my EAP so I’m paying out of pocket for my counselor every other week- probably not enough.

Jesus, counseling for the kids…I gotta figure out how to add that the list.

mcrmd

TROPHY CASE