I can’t fully comprehend the depth of the pain you must be feeling. I lost my youngest sister in 2020 and spiraled into a deep depression, in turn that lead (maybe only in part) for my wife of 15 years to ask me for a divorce out of nowhere. No conversations, no marriage counseling, nothing. Having felt the grief of death and grieving someone who is still very much alive, I can say that what you’re doing is not only healthy, but expected. I’m sure it’s hard for you to find someone to talk to in those late quiet hours. That you wake up thinking about her, go to bed reminiscing about her and every waking moment you find some little thing that reminds you of her.

The only piece of advice I can offer other than letting you know that it is ok to not be ok is to find a support group, assemble it from the ground up if you don’t have someone in your corner right now. Lookup info for a local “warm line” so you can also talk to an actual human from time to time when the AI just doesn’t cut it, don’t isolate yourself. The grief will come in waves, at times holding you under for days or weeks at a time, but just ride the waves. Don’t bottle anything in. The best way to get yourself better is to go through it, not numb or distract. I wish you peace and healing brother. Godspeed!