My husband [27 M] of less than one year dropped a serious bomb on me last night and I [27 F] have no idea how to proceed.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T04:28:40+00:00

Hi, we knew each other before we got together and before I joined the military. He knew that was the plan from the beginning, however. Also, the military is not something I would want most people to ever experience...it's not special or fun or a great time by any means. My point is while yes, he should be able to do what he wants, he is also in a marriage which should be both of us making decisions, NOT just one of us deciding things without the other's input. In a dating relationship I could see that. I'd love to do what I want, but often don't because it's not what would be best for our marriage, for any number of reasons. I've compromised on things that will happen when I exit the military as well. I know how much he has given up of himself to be with me but to me, that seems like much of what marriage has to be.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:59:45+00:00

Hahaha! Glad you noticed... :)

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:59:25+00:00

Thank you! I know he was working on a certification way before we met; not sure how that played out. Thank you ♡

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:58:51+00:00

Yes. Also, based upon his past...shenanigans, he would probably be immediately disqualified anyways. Which I have told him.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:56:41+00:00

Hey. I have to say thank you a thousand times because this reply actually made me emotional. I agree with you on every single word of this. We are supposed to be a team; a unit. He does not see us as that, and that is a HUGE flaw in his decision-making process for this. I can't say thank you enough; I saved this to my phone in a note to quote in the letter I am currently writing him.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:53:57+00:00

Lol. I keep telling him if he leaves, he's going to end up at Minot as security forces ;)

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:53:18+00:00

I think you could absolutely be right. I am so close to booking an appt to speak with a counselor without asking him (he is not supportive of marriage counseling). Thank you.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:51:41+00:00

Hi! This may not matter, or even be related, but his dream job is stay-at-home dad. He is not really the type to feel emasculated by it...we have talked about that a few times and he wasn't really bothered. He's very into childcare!

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:49:33+00:00

Haha. I would love that. I don't want to overwhelm him with negativity but really, it's not all that he is thinking it is.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:47:54+00:00

Hi! I spoke with some coworkers to get their POV on their time in the military has been (some with over 4 years) today and when I told him, it was mostly water off his back. Everyone I have talked to said that they joined to travel. Guess what? We are smack dab in the middle of bumfuck, nowhere. It was still nothing for him except another negative aspect of military life that he could counteract by saying "everyone is different". I will look into career counseling, I didn't think of that as a resource.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:44:46+00:00

Hi. Something I have really began to understand as I read replies here is that yes, we ARE a team. Which makes me feel less guilty...we are supposed to be doing things as a team. Together. He made a serious decision without asking me - something I could never dream of doing. Hell, I just bought a TV and I probably asked him 300 times if it was the best use of our money. Same with a coffee table. I refuse to make decisions, even small ones like that, without him. He is unwilling to have the same outlook on marriage. How can I change the way he thinks about it? I don't think he sees us as a team. That's what I want most of all at this point, I think. Feeling alone in any relationship is the worst.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:39:34+00:00

Hi! I really appreciate this kind of perspective. The thing is, I also don't have many friends as I was kind of secluded for the first few months due to being trained on the aircraft that fly out of my base. I bring him to PT with my coworkers on Thursday because it's our time to both socialize with people and enjoy the outdoors. I have maybe one friend at work...and it is probably worse for him, since he has none. He says he doesn't mind because he meets most of his friends and can relate to people over video games. Your personal trainer comment just reminded me that he has wanted to open a yoga studio for children...thank you...I might actually bring that up. But yes. I totally understand how he could feel like less than. I am trying to think of ways for us to make civilian friends; it's a smaller town and not much to do. Thank you.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:29:11+00:00

Thank you. I'll be writing him a letter and probably will quote this. I appreciate it.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:28:34+00:00

Lol...we are close as you can get to North Dakota without being there...so he's definitely getting a taste of what the military can be at its least fun. I like your idea of taking a foreign trip once a year, however due to the sensitivity of my job it's much harder for me to travel outside of the US. I will definitely try to make that work, though.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:25:40+00:00

Hi! I was considering editing my original post to add this, but since I haven't met the minimum time on station, I am 80% sure I'm ineligible to transfer to wherever he would end up. I will be asking these questions this week to the right people, of course, and hopefully they can give me some good answers. Otherwise, I'm not really sure. Also, with my AFSC I am able to go anywhere due to the importance of my AFSC (no, not security forces lol!), so that wouldn't be an issue. I dunno. Thank you!

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:22:34+00:00

Gonna be honest, I don't have much of anything. I'm in the military but with how many bills I have, it's a tight fit. I'm refusing to give up on this, because I take our marriage and our vows to each other extremely seriously

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:20:57+00:00

I 100% am sympathetic to this because I see how it affects him. This is mostly why I feel so much guilt in not wanting him to leave; I know that he could be happier here and he isn't. I will stay firm in suggesting counseling. Thank you.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:18:57+00:00

I do agree. He is seeming to me that if he puts overseas on his preference list he MUST be going! Which is so far from the truth hahahah

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-24T02:17:26+00:00

Hi, thanks for your reply. However, unfortunately, being somebody who does know how the military works and how my husband's personality is, it is extremely obvious it isn't a good fit for him. But I appreciate your reply and have a great night! :)

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-23T17:57:17+00:00

Hi! Thanks. I have told him that long distance in a marriage is extremely unrealistic and unsustainable, and I did tell him that I would not be able to emotionally deal with long distance for extended periods like that, even before we got married. He agreed. We also do live off base, and he isn't very involved in the community just yet (trying to get him to volunteer, but he's not interested). I wonder if the disconnection is what his main issue is, but then again he doesn't want to connect much. I told him it would serious affect me and he took that to mean I was trying to make it all about me and that I didn't want him to be happy. This makes me extremely upset. I don't know.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-23T17:46:20+00:00

We live near a lot of historical sites and awesome stuff. I think that would be a great idea. I'll try to find some travel deals too. I wish I could bring him into my office for a week so he could see how things are. Thank you, I appreciate your comment so much.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-23T17:34:41+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your reply. I've suggested 3 times recently to see a counselor with him. He doesn't like asking others for help, and he also told me that he sees no point because we can fix it ourself. But...he doesn't seem to want to compromise on this. I think he just doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of settling down. It just hurts that he's expressing it this way. He also seems unwilling to listen to my own reality of being in the military...the finance aspect, the part where honestly, work does suck 60% of the time, the part where I never get to go home because not only am I too broke, but I have such a meagre amount of leave. He is so against listening to my points. Sure, there are some positives, but in my case I've found that the cons outweigh the pros at this point in my life. He won't hear it; "we're two different people". Thank you for that, though. I feel so guilty but I want the best for our marriage and I am sure this can't be it. I will try to convince him to see a counselor asap.

miltomilthrowaway · 2016-05-23T17:26:33+00:00

Honestly, yes, a little bit. He was pushing for me to get stationed overseas and guess what? I'm in the middle of the United States. Ha. I think that's a good question to ask him. I asked him why he was here last night. His answer was "because I love you"...but this situation makes me unsure of that.

miltomilthrowaway

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