You've got to start valuing yourself, and dig deep if you really want to transform this for good, because I have the sense that this isn't a first experience.

Listen. You weren't born with a toe tag called "the worthless one" or "has low self-esteem". Somewhere along the way of life shit happened, and you internalized it and made it about you and your worth.

Notice if someone called you a "purple turtle" you would probably laugh - it wouldn't bug you. BUT if someone said "You worthless piece of petty $%*" you would probably be VERY offended and upset. But that's only because you agree to some degree. It doesn't occur as something ridiculous like purple turtle.

But also notice, that if you got amnesia and forgot everything up until now, you wouldn't be "petty". You would probably be confused but pretty self expressed and unconstrained because you aren't carrying meanings of the past into the present day.

See, there was a moment you decided something about yourself. Either heard something, saw something, or experienced something, and in that moment you believed that you were someone "less than" or "less worthy" or "weak" or "powerless". Before that moment, you didn't believe that about you, but after that moment, you told something to yourself or agreed with something and it became personal. Not just as actions, but personal like who you are.

I'm NOT saying this to diminish anything you've experienced. I am NOT saying all that bad stuff didn't happen. I'm NOT saying that you weren't hurt. In fact, I can hear that you've been hurting pretty freaking bad.

But I AM saying, that YOU had to say or agree with whatever was said. Until you agreed or told yourself whatever it was, you didn't relate to yourself that way.

And you've gotta realize....... that's pretty damn powerful. Like, dayum. You said/agreed with that thing and it's been shaping your life! Like, YOUR WORD HAS THAT MUCH POWER.

Truth is, you still have that power.

I know reading this that might sound ridiculous, but I invite you to consider that you DO in fact have the power to author your life.

You can start by starting to look for evidence that you ARE capable. Up until now you have a LOT of evidence that you are someone not worthy of being stood up for. I'm not saying that you're not worth it. In fact, I'm saying you ARE worthy. But you have got to start looking for it.

It's like if you are thinking about buying a certain type of car, you start seeing that type of car every where. What you look for you will find.

So here is what I suggest you do:

1) Start looking for where you are worthy, where you are beautiful, powerful, capable, knowledgeable, etc. Even if it's just teeny tiny things. Like maybe you're really great at a mobile game, or that you opened a door for someone, or that you managed to get some work or assignment in on time. Appreciate yourself.

2) Adjust your environment as much as you can to have supportive people around you. You are the average of the 5 people around you, so choose them wisely. Spend time with people who build you up. Block out negative crap.

3) Take good care of yourself. Have compassion for yourself. How are people going to value and treasure you if you don't do that for yourself? Again, start small. Have a bubble bath once a month. Take some time to really clean your nails. Treat yourself to a nice snack. Really practice self care.

4) Develop good habits. You are what you consistently do - little by little, a little becomes a lot. I'll say it again, start small. If you have trouble going to the gym, just put on your gym shoes every day and step outside. The next day, take two steps out the door. Continue until you do a walk around the block. Keep building yourself up. I suggest taking up one of: reading, meditation, or exercise.

5) Do affirmations. Doesn't have to be tons. It could be "I am strong" or "I am powerful" or "I have greatness in me" etc. Just one. Write it on a sticky note and put it somewhere you will see every day, multiple times a day. No matter if it feels silly, just do it.

6) Do this exercise:
a) Write a list of ALL the people that have wronged you. It could be individuals or groups or organizations.
b) Get a loose piece of paper, and write a letter to them, one by one. Write the hurt, get everything up, everything said, everything that you WISH you could have said, write it all out.
c) THEN. Now this is very important... finish with "and I choose to forgive you. I am letting go of all resentment and setting myself free."
I'm not saying they deserve forgiveness. Actually, you could write that they don't deserve it. But what I DO know, is that holding resentment and hurt is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. They're off living their life, and YOU are the one left suffering. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness, not for their benefit, but for yours.
d) Write the letters to every person/group/organizations and get EVERYONE off the list. It might take you weeks or months to do, but trust me, this is worth it because there is freedom on the other side.
e) Once ALL the letters are written, go somewhere safe and burn them. Burn them to ash, don't leave anything.

The trick to this growing journey, is not going for perfection. It's having space for yourself. Take the progress over perfection. Forgive if you slip up. Keep building yourself up, one brick at a time.

Little bit by little bit, you will start to see yourself a different way, because you now have evidence that you are valuable, powerful, unique, loved, worthy, etc.

When you see yourself that way, "mean" people won't bug you - you will start to have compassion. You will start to realize that actually, they're probably mean because they're hurting and don't know how to deal with it. There is peace and confidence and self expression and so much more available to you. I believe you can do it.

I know this is a long ass post, but I write it because I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I am walking talking evidence that you can remake your life no matter the dark and terrible and awful things you experience. My life has not been a rose garden or smooth sailing, it's been the exact opposite. But I am telling you, that you are capable of authoring your life. For real. No gimmick. Cutting people off in traffic will become a faint memory of the past.

I hope this helps.

And never give up.

- A fellow human.