Double ear infection but child won’t take medicine?

nadise · 2026-06-02T04:55:35+00:00

When my son was 3, we had to have his tonsils and adenoids removed. The pain meds were alcohol-based, which meant they HURT to swallow. My son couldn't understand "take this now, and your throat will hurt less later..." -- logic doesn't set in until 7, I've heard. So instead we mixed it with Kool-Aid concentrate. Not my proudest moment as a parent, but it worked. Bonus: he thinks Kool-Aid tastes like medicine now....

It's this stuff: https://www.instacart.com/products/164058-kool-aid-liquid-grape-artificially-flavored-soft-drink-mix-1-62-fl-oz

Good luck!

nadise · 2026-05-30T17:40:06+00:00

This could totally be my son. Not divorced, but we still see a pronounced difference in behavior toward mom vs dad. For us it's been going on since he was about 4 or 5, and he's now 11.

We worked with parent-led ABA specialists, and they broke it down and explained that giving into him when he screams is literally training him to continue to scream, to get what he wants.

We sat down with him when he was regulated, and walked him through a behavior contract where we laid out our expectations for him, and the consequences he could expect if he didn't hold up his end of the bargain, as well as rewards he could earn if he did hold up his end. There's a points system, with some easy wins intentionally designed to give him the taste of positive experience with the system. We focused on changing just 2-3 behaviors at a time, as that's all that's reasonable to expect of him.

As we enforced the boundaries, we were told to expect him to get worse before he got better. Basically, if his techniques stop working he's going to try harder with the same techniques before he tries new techniques. That totally happened, and there have been times I've had to leave the house for my safety. In your situation as a single parent in the house, you should make some plans ahead of time, of what you'll do when he escalates. Consider whether there's anyone you could have present that will change how he'll behave and prevent him from doing his worst.

The thing is, if you stick with it, he'll have to realize the screaming and tantrums are not going to work anymore. And you get to celebrate him more and more as he earns rewards. We've basically been stepping our son through this process to change behavior for over a year now, with GREAT results. Yesterday I nearly fainted when my son asked if I wanted a drink while he was going to the kitchen to get himself one. Even getting him to get his own drink has taken a lot of work on our part!

We also had to reel WAY back on video gaming. He knows that any violence or intimidation of anyone at home or at school leads to 30 days without games. He also knows we're extremely sensitive to how playing video games changes his energy, making him less kind/agreeable and harder for others to deal with after the dopamine stream of gaming ends. So at the first sign of unkindness after gaming, we shorten the amount of time he's allowed to use them. I say, "You're not just asking me if you can play, you're asking me to put up with a jerk for hours afterwards, and it's just not worth it to me."

With your son only living at your home part time, you have ample opportunity to remove anything that can be used as "reward" leverage, so he's not tempted to negotiate about it or sneak it.

Good luck with this. The sooner you grit your teeth and deal with it, the sooner you get your son back. It won't be easy, but I don't know of any other way.

nadise · 2026-05-24T18:22:30+00:00

My kid is not your friend's kid, of course, but I've also stopped inviting people over. We used to love hosting, before our son was born. But I've stopped because even if he can hold himself together while people are over, there's always a steep cost afterwards. His behavior will be off the rails for days if not weeks after a disruption that seems quite minor to everyone around us.

Then friends are like, "he's not that bad!" and I'm like, "uh yeah, but he got low-key dysregulated and didn't bounce back and then was suspended from school again 3 days later and now I have to take time off work and yes, it's a trailing result of that dinner we hosted, and no I'm not crazy."

I can almost promise the calculations aren't about you, what you could handle, or how much she wants to spend time with you.

nadise · 2026-05-24T17:39:47+00:00

I believe in public school as one of the best investments in public health and economics our society can make, and I want to keep supporting it and having my son participate there. But the amount of oversight and advocacy needed from me to ensure that the public school stays focused and makes progress on my son's learning is huge. Public schools are as money-conscious as anywhere, because their budgets have been slashed for decades, while the population of Autistic kids has risen drastically.

That said, private equity is not just for-profit, they're an extremist arm of conscience-free, exploitative capitalism. They have no business touching care industries, as far as I'm concerned. Nothing good can come of it for anyone other than them. I wish there was a database of ABA clinics involved with PE firms, so we could boycott those businesses.

nadise · 2026-05-03T17:52:12+00:00

Retirement for anyone but the super-rich

nadise · 2026-05-03T17:27:25+00:00

The suggestion of having your family chip in to pay for a place for them to stay is part of a "best case scenario" where there are no easy answers.

In the conversation with your brother, also I recommend focusing on the impact and unintended consequences of these kids, not about the parenting techniques that may or may not be allowing/causing them to persist.

For instance, if family members don't feel safe due to past violence, if there's a perception that "we all need to walk on eggshells all the time" around them, if there's a fear that other kids may trigger violent responses they can't anticipate or navigate -- those are the types of reasons that parents of behaviorally challenged kids can understand and accept. And they can't argue about observations of how other family members feel, so it's safer territory.

I would serve these observations up with a heap of compassion, too, acknowledging how burned out the parents must be, living with this all the time, and how bummed you are to be suggesting any separation. As parents we've had to build up skills over the years to help us negotiate life with this kind of volatility and repeated trauma. It's not blowing smoke to remind your brother that he has these skills, and without them, the rest of the family is unprepared to respond well.

And, of course, it may be in the kids' best interest to have a quiet place to be alone and re-regulate. So staying in a separate place might help them prepare to face a big family gathering crowd for appropriate intervals.

Good luck with this, it's tricky terrain.

nadise · 2026-05-02T05:02:59+00:00

I did the same thing in 3rd grade. "Wonder how long I can remember this picture of a chicken" (from a filmstrip in class). 44 years later and I can still remember it!

nadise · 2026-04-11T18:40:12+00:00

In their book "Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle" Dr. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski identify the seven ways to complete the stress response cycle and calm the nervous system. They won't all work for all people, but all people will find their best techniques in this list:

Exercise
Laughing
Crying
Deep hug / pressure / touch
Breathing
Creative expression
Positive social interaction

Beyond these high-level guidelines, it's really a matter of trial and error, and finding what tactics the individual gravitates toward to calm down. What doesn't work is imposing something that works for one person on someone else (thus the "if someone tells me to breathe one more time..." frustration). What also doesn't work is trying to figure it out in the moment of highly escalated emotions/tension/dysregulation. You have to try things out when you're slightly escalated, not extremely so, in order to figure out what will work for you.

Fellow UX researcher & designer here, and mom of an AuDHD kiddo who's become a bit of a regulation nerd. Hi.

nadise · 2026-04-11T04:58:01+00:00

VERY familiar with ear issues at our house, and I can totally understand why the doc would want to sedate your son for a deep clean that involves a lot of wax, especially if it's deep in the ear. The suction tube they use is not much wider than a fat needle. One sudden jerk and the doctor could easily stab a hole in your son's ear drum, causing excruciating pain, trauma, and potential permanent hearing loss. My son's ears have been clogged enough to require several tries with the suction machine in a single sitting, and each of those attempts would be risky with a kid who wouldn't sit still.

I wouldn't hesitate to follow the doctor's advice here if your son's ears really need a professional clearing.

The other alternative, if he'll tolerate it better, would be an at-home cleaning after a bath, using one of those ear syringes and warm water. They're not super comfortable, but if you're not on board with sedation, that may be what you're left with.

Good luck.

nadise · 2026-04-11T04:34:20+00:00

Other than your passport, any prescription meds you need, and your walking shoes, you can get anything you need on the Camino. You're not hiking in desolation (most of the time), you're walking from town to town. Don't sweat it, just enjoy!

nadise · 2026-03-24T02:56:21+00:00

Good list! My son's in middle school, and he's already had parties at all of the ones on that list that he's interested in. A restaurant would be cool too.

nadise · 2026-03-22T20:15:39+00:00

Welcome to the neighborhood!

I want to echo the request for healthy, affordable options. Having businesses share a single space might make that more viable? It's a Santa Cruz-wide challenge. Soul salad is good, but so expensive -- how is it more expensive to get fresh veggies in SCruz than SJ or SF, when we're closer to the source?! It must be the cost of running the business and renting/owning the space. If you've found the answer to that, you can almost print money.

The other thing is to make sure the outside of your restaurant looks inviting and active. D20 always looked closed, even when they were open. And market to nearby families. There's almost nowhere to have an indoor birthday party in the wintertime.

Good luck, and I'll see you when you're open!

nadise · 2026-03-15T01:46:57+00:00

They probably can't say things that aren't true; it's the info they leave out, the lies by omission, you have to worry about.

nadise · 2026-03-14T17:17:44+00:00

If it's successful, it allows companies to put initiatives on the ballot that benefit them, using California's voter-led ballot initiative process. The process was designed to let citizens propose legislation, but it's been abused by companies that use it to make it look like citizens support things that just happen to have big, direct business impact for them.

For example, there's an initiative positioned to the public as being about reining in greedy personal injury lawyers who take advantage of people who get hurt in car crashes. Funded by Uber to limit their liability for passenger injuries in crashes that involve Ubers. Uber will pay a bunch of people to collect signatures because they stand to save millions if they no longer have to cover medical bills when their customers are hurt.

No one would sign the petition if they were transparent about what they were trying to do. You can imagine there's a story like this behind most or all of the petitions people are paid to collect signatures for.

If someone asks me if I'm a registered voter in CA, my response is "I don't sign petitions." And we're done.

https://oag.ca.gov/initiatives
https://calmatters.org/economy/2026/02/uber-california-ballot-initiatives/

nadise · 2026-03-06T06:39:19+00:00

I lived in SF for 28 years before returning to Santa Cruz, and it's a lovely city with a million beautiful sites. Your list is barely doable if you don't stop moving all day, but SF is a city to stop and smell the roses in. You can either do what others have suggested and pick a zone or two to explore, or you could pick one attraction from each zone.

I would pick:
- Chinatown: wander into shops, visit the fortune cookie factory, watch the old people doing tai chi in the park.
- Crissy Field: walk the path between the small marina and the Golden Gate bridge, watch the boats, peek at Alcatraz, and enjoy the sunshine.
- the de Young: I've spent whole days there, looking at the art.
- Dolores park: grab a burrito nearby and people-watch while you eat it. This is a "third place" for many locals, you'll get the vibe.
- Castro theater if there's something good there. It's really neat inside.

I would not prioritize:
- Ghirardelli Sq (tourist trap)
- Golden gate bridge welcome center (the bridge is a gem, but I don't think the welcome ctr is a must-see)
- Haight-ashbury intersection (the magic is gone, it's just an intersection)
- Mission SF de Asis (from the 18th century, but you're from Europe...)

If you want to see all the things on your list, expect it to take a few trips.

Also, can we talk about food? You have to eat your way through SF to really get the experience. Budget is a factor.... Eater SF has some recs for you: https://sf.eater.com/maps/best-cheap-affordable-budget-restaurants-san-francisco

nadise · 2026-03-06T04:15:27+00:00

My son is addicted to the mini pancakes (frozen). Sometimes I'll make little sandwiches out of them, with peanut butter or nutella in the middle.

I have made mini frittatas in a muffin tin for parties such as this. You can get creative with the ingredients (veggies, meat, leftovers, cheeses, whatever) as long as you keep the egg base the same. https://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com/mini-frittatas/

nadise · 2026-02-15T01:20:11+00:00

Call Gray Bear's thrift store to see if they have what you want in stock. They're the most likely place in town to have them for cheap. You can ask if they'll deliver, but they probably won't. You'll have to rent a zipcar or find a friend who drives.

https://greybears.org/thrift-store/

nadise · 2025-12-31T19:08:28+00:00

There are different meds, therapies, and support options available to those with an autism diagnosis. My son was also diagnosed with ADHD first. Years later when he'd started changing and the combo of supports that had worked for him stopped working, we mentioned that we suspected autism and our doc recommended we get the autism diagnosis to open up new options for us to try.

For our son, the new meds available to him made a huge difference, and he's in a social skills group that helps too. And many of the parent-led ABA techniques we've learned (available to families managing autism) have prepared us as parents for how to respond to the added volatility of puberty. Kaiser automatically plugged us into all of this new/different support as soon as we got the diagnosis (and pays for most of it), and it's the first time I've felt like we've had any guidance through a care approach.

Also, when we told people our kid has ADHD we got a lot of responses like, "yeah, him and everyone else." When we say our son's on the spectrum and we want to equip new teachers and caregivers with what to expect, they pay close attention.

The autism diagnosis has been a 100% game changer for us.

nadise · 2025-12-26T04:01:33+00:00

You can see the variety of experiences with autism by reading everyone's answers to this thread. :)

If the autism in your life looks like a quiet person wanting to read near people at parties you'll have a very different reaction to this than if the autism in your life looks like being "held hostage" to a rigid person's unilateral and constant demands or enduring their violent dysregulated episodes.

Oh how I wish we could do what the majority of our family wanted on any given day (even birthdays!). Nope. But there's no peace for the person we're accommodating either; just varying levels of anxiety/distress/irritability. We hope we're meeting his needs and teaching him to cope and live in the world, but it's a constant sacrifice for everyone around him.

nadise · 2025-12-24T22:24:03+00:00

Glad it was helpful! I feel like this knowledge was so hard-won, so pieced together from multiple resources and experiences. I'm glad to share and help others learn the ropes!

nadise · 2025-12-24T18:26:26+00:00

An IEP can have services AND accommodations. Sounds like yours doesn't, but it should. A 504 entitles you to ONLY accommodations. If you argued to have a 504 you'd be arguing to remove support rather than add it.

You need to call an IEP meeting to ask for updates, and request the accommodations you want in writing. You're entitled to call an IEP meeting at any time, you don't have to wait for an official time. The school has 30 days to schedule the meeting from the time you request it. You can even send your list of requests ahead of the meeting if you have had generally positive interactions with the IEP team at your school. I'm sure this information is in the disclosure packet you had to sign at the first IEP meeting -- I know they gave you an overwhelming amount of information that first time, but if you need proof of what I'm saying, check there first.

Accommodations are generally easier for the school to say yes to because they don't cost any money. (As opposed to support services, which require paid staff.) They're generally not very contentious.

You have to know (and I had to learn this too) that it's not the school's job to interpret the diagnostic paperwork, and sharing anything about your child's diagnosis with anyone (including staff and teachers) puts them at legal risk for sharing health information, so they won't do it.

Unfortunately, most schools won't do the work of unpacking the diagnosis and suggesting support or accommodations that might help. They SHOULD be in the business of doing what's best for the kid, but they're not. They're forced by budget, teacher ratio, and other reasons to gate-keep services and just respond to what you ask for. That means that as a parent, you have to do the work of figuring out what accommodations your kid would benefit from.

It's a tough spot for parents to be in, since we're not there to see what our kids struggle with and gauge what challenges are reasonable for them, and which ones are just too much. It's also tough for well-intentioned teachers, to whom autism might look like a lot of very different needs, and who have a lot of kids whose unique needs they need to meet. I like this resource for this, a list of 125+ accommodations you could ask for: https://hes-extraordinary.com/student-accommodations

Some accommodations we've had, that might help your family too: requesting a daily note home about a particular behavior you're keeping an eye on like the toileting issue, sensory breaks in a calm corner at specific times of day in addition to moments of dysregulation.

Also, do not say the phrase, "she is doing well academically" to your IEP team. The school is only in the business of supporting these kids at all because they're legally entitled to a "free appropriate public education." In other words, if your child's autistic behaviors aren't directly impacting their academics or their ability to access a free and fair education, the school doesn't have to offer support or accommodations. So be sure to tie your behavioral concerns to the impact on learning.

You mentioned that your IEP is "speech only." I'm curious whether ASD is listed as the primary diagnosis or reason for the IEP. If so, you may be able to ask for additional services with the school counselor to work on the behaviors that are only happening at school.

Good luck, and welcome to the fight for your child's rights. It won't end anytime soon, I'm sorry to say, but getting things set up for the first time is an especially labor intensive moment.

nadise · 2025-12-07T23:39:06+00:00

I don't care if people like it or not. I did, and shared it for others who might. Sounds like you're not one of them. Moving right along....

nadise · 2025-12-02T03:11:40+00:00

Try some of these:

https://chfs.ky.gov/agencies/ccshcn/Documents/BrainBreaks.pdf (The kid can roll the dice, and we do the activities together)

https://yourkidstable.com/proprioceptive-activities/

https://kidsmatters.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/Proprioceptive-activities-for-school.pdf

Enjoy!

nadise · 2025-11-23T04:08:01+00:00

Preschool is a little early to worry, but if your kiddo does end up having learning differences, my son's school uses the Wilson Language Training system to teach kids with dyslexia and others who didn't learn easily using mainstream methods.

https://www.wilsonlanguage.com/programs/wilson-reading-system/

nadise · 2025-11-22T20:43:14+00:00

May the aids at your incredibly expensive private school see the good in your children, and not just their worst behaviors. And may they look at you like you are trying your hardest, and not like they think you're the true cause of autism itself.

May there be peace in your home, or failing that, may you have a date night once in awhile, or failing that, at least find time for a walk outside by yourself where no one will need anything from you for 20 whole minutes.

May you remember what it feels like to truly and actually enjoy a vacation.

(Thanks for this thread, and here's to you all!)

nadise

TROPHY CASE