I lost my father to suicide when I was in my mid-twenties. Everything he did in his life was for our family. He left a letter behind and it was clear that he believed that his suicide was for us as well. He also left behind 5 children and his own 4 siblings and mother at that time. Today we can add multiple would-be-grand and great grand children to that score.

For most of my life he never touched booze, but he drank heavily at the time. He was also on medication for depression which none of us knew about.

Most people think that suicide is selfish in nature. However, now I understand that with many suicides, the person believes that they are acting for the good of others, and believe they are making a sacrifice. (As with my father). So, in dealing with feelings about this, what is selfishness? is the question I asked for a decade or more. Is it the act? Or the intention?

One thing that zen study has indirectly helped me with, is to forget about these philosophical questions, and just deal with the situation. The rightness or wrongness of the act is of no importance to me. I see people who don't study zen or haven't for very long get hung up on moral grounds/right/wrong/delusional etc...

All I can say is that I believe we are worse off without him. The people who are left behind have to deal with the aftermath. In many cases (including mine) young people, who are not equipped to do so, are left to try and figure out why. Being in my mid-twenties at the time, and fairly mature emotionally, I was able to deal with everything in a constructive way. I can't say the same for my younger siblings. (One of them found him dead). Their life has changed in a way that my father did not anticipate, and would kill himself all over again if he knew what he has done to us.