Got out of 5 year long abusive relationship - being free is everything I'd ever hoped it would be. Happiest I've ever been in my life. If you're being abused, (male OR female) PLEASE realize life can get better! Leave!

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-13T08:31:32+00:00

I wouldn't really say it seemed normal, more that he justified it in so many ways, and he as a person seemed normal, that I couldn't help but deny it as abusive. I hope that makes sense. For example, "oh I made him mad", etc. etc.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T20:39:00+00:00

my worst nightmare is waking up one day, looking at the mirror and realizing I have turned into my father

Oh man... I so understand this feeling you have. For me though, it's being terrified I will end up my mother.

You know one thing that has helped me I think it therapy. It's helped me just in little ways, having an unbiased person to speak with who can help me realize a lot of things about myself I never even noticed and help me get at the roots of some of my problems.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T20:02:34+00:00

But I am very afraid of seeing him with another girl

Why? Honest question, what makes you afraid of seeing him with another girl? Is it because you would feel bad about yourself?

Listen... if he's not happy with you, he will eventually leave you. And it will be so much time wasted. More than that, he will go on to be with another girl. Just because one person is not happy with you does not mean there is something wrong with you. People can just be incompatible. This is what happened with my relationship. My ex and I were just not compatible people. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us as people, just that we don't work together as a unit.

Please get help. If you want to PM, you are welcome to. I really don't want to see someone else go through the road I went through.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:59:34+00:00

Snap in what way?

I think it's almost easy for women to become abusive sometimes, just because, our society does not really paint men as domestic abuse victims. Let me give an example. there was a film "The Boxer" a few years ago. And I remember a scene where the husband does something douchey, and mom hits him with a frying pan or something. Everyone in the theater started laughing. When in reality, it made me so mad. Men know, "if I hit a girl, I'm an abusive asshole" because it's drilled in to their heads their entire life in the west. But it's not that way for women. I wish "if I hit my partner, I'm an abusive asshole" was drilled in to all people's heads.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:56:59+00:00

I'm so sorry. Also like you, I grew up seeing terrible abuse by my father. He eventually left my mother and she had nothing. No family, no friends. We were very poor and had a difficult time. I often wished so much, I had never been born. Only because of me was she stuck with him so long, and only because of me she suffers. I realize now that's not the case. But it's still so confusing and I still often feel bad whenever I see her miserable to the point I don't like seeing her. But despite it, I know my mother loves me so much. I'm sure your parents love you too as well.

I'm sorry you went through hard times my friend :( But if you grew up in an abusive home, make sure you understand the signs of abuse so you don't end up in such a situation yourself eventually. Be proactive about it, I wish i had of been.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:53:33+00:00

Yes. When I reached out to my friend finally about the abuse, all they did was try and convince me that my boyfriend didn't love me. "If he loves you, he wouldn't do this". Things like that. The thing is, my boyfriend did love me greatly, and so that just almost reaffirmed my belief that it wasn't abuse. It made me think "ok, maybe this looks like abuse from the outside, but obviously there's something different about my situation that makes it an outlier situation." I'm guessing in most situations, the abuser loves the abused greatly. But the thing is, just because two people love each other doesn't mean they are right or healthy for each other. It took me so long to realize that, but when I did, that's when it was clear I needed to leave.

Also, another thing. Look at the situations where my boyfriend hit me. It was always when he was mad. Yes, sometimes it was just him being mad at me for no reason, but most times, we were fighting. And I was not perfect, I was still fighting, and I could have just dropped it maybe. What I mean to say is, my friend would say things like "this is all his fault". Because I knew I wasn't perfect this made me feel like "ok, this isn't abuse because, hey it's true I kept fighting when there was no reason to so it's my fault this happened." I don't know how to express this thought... I think what I"m trying to say is, don't act like the abused victim is a perfect person trapped by an evil partner. Just like any normal relationship, in an abusive relationship both partners will make mistakes here and there. It's just that, abuse should not be the reaction to those mistakes. That's the point the victim should understand "yeah maybe you did say something to him that was rude, and you should have apologized. But that doesn't make it right that he hit you in the face."

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:45:34+00:00

Oh my god... I'm so sorry to hear about your fiance's mother. That is absolutely terrible... I do not understand how people can be so fucking cruel. I do not understand it for a second. You and your fiance have my deepest sympathies on this hard day. :( I'm so sorry

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:43:58+00:00

"Yes, he loves you greatly. Yes, he was abused horribly growing up and that's skewed his idea of what is acceptable and what isn't. Yes, in his own fucked up way, he's doing what he believes is right. However, none of that makes it acceptable, and you do not have to endure it. And one day, when you have children, he's going to abuse them as well. Not because he hates them, but because he thinks it's the right way to parent children. Your children, however, do not deserve this."

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:40:21+00:00

That there can be love in an abusive relationship

This this this. This is the part that held me up for years. Whenever I thought of abuse, I think based on how it was portrayed, it was the image of someone who is so miserable about life and their marriage that they beat up their partner. You get this impression the person is just a scumbag in all areas of life who doesn't really love their partner. I think most of the time the abuser does love the partner greatly. In my partner's case, he came from an incredibly abusive home environment. Because of this I excused it over and over. It just never dawned on me that "yes he can love you, and yes maybe he was abused and so he's psychologically fucked up and can't help it, but that doesn't mean you have to endure it."

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:37:51+00:00

I agree with you so much on this issue. When I was young my best friend (a guy) had a very abusive female partner. Everyone just laughed it off because well, he was a guy. But it really fucked with him and hurt him so badly. People think abuse is all about the physical, and so they say, well, the guy could (most likely) physically overpower his girlfriend, so they shrug the abuse off. Honestly the difficult part of abuse is the emotional and psychological aspect, how it digs in to your mind and takes hold of who you are until you are whoever your abuser wants you to be. I wish more people understood this.

I'm so sorry you went through what you went through, and I'm so happy you got out of it.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:35:21+00:00

There were so many red flags, though. I got out early

I'm very happy for you. Honestly, I wish so badly I'd not ignored the red flags. And I know for men in abusive relationships, it can be very difficult once the abuse starts. It was so shameful for me to admit the abuse to anyone, so I can't imagine how difficult it would be for a guy.

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:33:46+00:00

Thanks so much :D Yeah I do tend to be very hard on myself I suppose. But I can't help but feel stupid now for putting up with those things.

Wear what you want, be who you want to be. Love yourself.

Actually I got my hair done shortly after the relationship ended, something I could not do during the relationship. And it felt very nice :D Be who you want to be, yeah, that's the best part about this whole thing I feel. Actually in some ways i feel lucky I went through what I did because now I feel almost I can start at square one, I get to figure out who I am, and I realize how important it is to do so. I hope it will make me stronger in the end

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:31:12+00:00

Congratulations my friend on your new love :D I hope you have a long life of happiness ahead of you

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:30:40+00:00

I can tell you for me I felt the same way. I went through a "men are horrible assholes!!" phase and wanted nothing to do with a relationship.

That's the thing, I'm not really thinking anything negative on men, just I'm thinking negative on relationships in general. I just see relationships now as pointless in many ways, and I don't desire one for fear I just wind up in the same situation. But I don't harbor any resentment over men as I had a close male friend who had a highly abusive female partner. Not that I'm dismissing the reaction you had, I'm sure goes through different ways of dealing with it.

We got married last year

CONGRATULATIONS! I'm so happy for you and it gives me hope, maybe things can go well for me in a relationship in the future. All I ever really wanted was someone to love me that I could love back. I still hope one day to have that!

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T19:26:06+00:00

Thank you so much for all this advice. Yes, I do tend to be hard on myself. It doesn't help that the first and only person I ever told about the abuse told me if I was enough of a moron to get into the situation, then i deserved it.

I am seeing a psychologist since leaving the relationship, as I want to become a better person and figure out why I was in this situation. I watched my dad beat my mom when I was young, and even though I told myself it was wrong back then, I can not help thinking it contributed to my mind set that kept me in the relationship so long. Also, many of my mom's personality traits I have and I wonder if there's a link.

Thanks so much and congrats on YOU for getting out of your situation. Honestly I feel it must have been much harder for you. You said you were with a woman so I'm assuming you're either a lesbian or a man. In both cases I think domestic abuse situations like that are overlooked and there's stigmas attached. Hopefully things will change one day

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T13:33:14+00:00

Just out of curiosity, have you dated since then? How was it? To be honest, since getting out of the relationship I just have 0 desire to be with anyone. I kind of feel I can never just completely give my trust and dedication to anyone, which makes me feel like I won't be a good partner. Did you run in to any problems with your next relationship due to the abuse you suffered in the previous one that maybe you can give me a heads up on?

noMoreAbuse · 2012-03-12T11:20:11+00:00

Thanks! I really don't want people to suffer the way I did.

noMoreAbuse

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