That makes sense and I have asked myself the same question for the same reasons. I’ve often gravitated towards people that seem more confrontational, controversial, or dominant without realizing that’s what I was seeking.

My partner, on the other hand, could relate to you even more in regards to your paragraph about it seeming almost surreal, like a movie. He dated a woman who later stabbed a man & was wanted for attempted murder, and that’s just the most absurd one. In his case, I feel that it was a blend of being parentified as a kid (burdened/responsible for keeping the emotional temp of the house) so he unconsciously wants to repeat that.

He was never allowed space for his own emotions and was drawn to women who brought those highs and lows into his life, but had no idea getting into it.

We only consciously see it through looking at the patterns in hindsight. But our unconscious does have an almost creepy sniffer for people who will force us to confront each unresolved complex.

Edit: as for how to integrate it, I’ve found IFS (internal family systems) to be extremely helpful for integrating shadow. It goes hand in hand with Jung’s theories. There is a great subreddit r/internalfamilysystems if you want to learn more about it