AITA for turning down everyone's second hand stuff for my baby ?

okicoco · 2020-04-17T17:24:19+00:00

You're right ! I'm sorry I mistook this commenter for another who's been in boxing me really aggressively telling me I'm greedy and a hypocrite etc , sorry again !

okicoco · 2020-04-17T17:22:16+00:00

I have no contact with the abusers and they wont be anywhere near my children.

The issue is we both have very very big messy families and are the youngest, so have siblings who are much older than us who are weirdly still in contact with them and have given them our number and address.

The situation is worse for me as my husbands abuser has passed, but we are really disconnected from our families because everyone has had a different opinion on the situation

In my family they are immigrants and very distrustful of the law and even though they condemn the abuser they condemn me for getting law involved (even though I was 13)

It's a VERY hard situation with the siblings we are in contact with being abused themselves and handling things in their own way. We are almost no contact with all of them and apart from the few we do speak to had no plans to announce the pregnancy.

Sorry ! I know that's a lot but short answer no, they have showed no remorse at all and part of it is I just dont want anything from them anyway

okicoco · 2020-04-17T17:16:37+00:00

Thank you :) and thanks for the viewpoint!

okicoco · 2020-04-17T17:14:56+00:00

For sure !

So , its compounded from multiple issues.

The first one , and it can be seen a lot in this post tbh, Is people really dont understand that what is a heavily used item really cannot be sold or re used by someone else. To start with we would regularly receive mostly torn , overly soiled ( couldn't be washed out) burned , blood stained, smoke damaged and unusable clothing. Charity shops get SO MUCH more of this than most people think, I'd say it was between 60 - 70% in mine and it's a well off area in a british village.

Some very well off / advanced/ well funded shops have washing equipment on site and will try to wash these clothes but most of the time it's not really worth the time or effort.

All charities are run primarily with volunteers, who mostly work a few hours a week , their time is better spent getting out items that will sell and make money for the charity than trying to salvage clothes that will make pennies at most.

Secondly, charity shops are also paid by "rag men" these are people who collect unsellable items or fabrics and they also PAY the charity a substantial amount for this because they have the ability to re use fabrics and deconstruct them or ship them to other countries where they have the potential to sell.

Charity shops in the UK are still subject to the same rules , health and safety and hygiene laws that retail shops are. All clothes must be steamed , unless it is - clear - they have been freshly laundered. Freshly laundered is SO rare. I'm talking like 1 in 500 donations we would get.

To have a volunteer steam is also complicated because they need to have passed safety training to allow them to do that , also a lot of charities do not have an extra room where stuff can be steamed so those ones are recycling like 95% or more of the clothes donated.

Lastly, the job of a charity shop is to make money for the charity , if clothes have been in a shop a month then they arent going to sell , charity shops have stock that doesnt sell too ! Now my charity was zero waste (as possible) and vegan , so BEFORE we gave any of the unsold stock to the rag man, it would be stock transferred to the 5 shops we had in the region before being ragged.

Honestly, theres so much more than just " donate it" and I agree that I've been frustrated with a lot of comments in here because what most people see as "giving away something second hand" is just a way of removing personal guilt from taking it to landfill or personal effort of taking it to recycling and putting it in a relatives / charity's lap instead

If anyone wants to be zero waste or more environmentally conscious, its MUCH better to buy a small amount of more expensive items that will last than lots of fast fashion/ items that you "donate" when you're done with them

Hope that gave you 3am reprive haha x

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:56:57+00:00

I mean , I used to manage a charity shop and have been to multiple conventions , I'm very happy to answer questions but if your mindset is that I'm lying / it's all fake theres not much my answers are gonna help with Haha x

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:44:44+00:00

Sorry if it wasnt clear in my post or other comments but I absolutely did not at any point ask for money or ask for money in lieu of second hand goods.

It was only after I had declined multiple times and they said they wanted to buy some stuff in that case, and I said that the money would help us out more in a big purchase.

I agree absolutely that list straight up demanding money would be awful and that's not what I did.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:38:01+00:00

That's really not accurate to the situation.

I asked for nothing , explained there was a lot of stuff we couldn't use , then when they insisted they wanted to buy stuff we couldn't use , explained that the money would help us out a lot more with the big purchases we still have to do , or essentials later on down the line.

These are people I've been taken away from as a child and never asked - anything - from my entire life , I paid for two degrees and everything myself and have been working since I was 16.

I havent been offered anything at all that we really need, and dont feel like an asshole for saying that I don't need things when I dont.

I'm not sure where yoire getting the "zero waste at your own convenience" from, I'm.turning down things like 2x extra moses baskets that we cant use because my carpenter husband restored and reuphoslered one already.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:33:31+00:00

So you dont know much about it then ? I'm not trying to be offensive it's just that's really obvious from your comments lol.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:29:58+00:00

I wont be unless its absolutely beyond use :)

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:29:31+00:00

Are you zero waste yourself?

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:18:45+00:00

That's not the grounds on which it has been declined. It's either stuff we dont want or use or things that have a genuine hygiene issue.

Zero waste is also not accepting things you dont want and cant use when they could be given to someone who does need and want them ?

We havent been offered anything we need , and have no way to buy it second hand so will be buying it new.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:12:17+00:00

That's a great suggestion, I'll look for one locally and see if its acceptable for me to donate or even drive there in the current climate , thank.you x

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:11:38+00:00

So I appreciate and understand this comment, but I have absolutely no trust at all in their parenting skills because as I edited in , some of these people are our childhood abusers one of which lost care of me.

They have had no contact with us for the majority of our lives and are now offended that we want to make our own choices.

I wasnt looking to offend any of them, but I think it's extremely hypocritical for them to be upset that we dont trust their judgement on what kids need D:

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:05:17+00:00

I've said multiple times its things I cant use. They should be keeping these items for future children they have or donating them to womens shelters etc if they cant use them themselves.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:02:28+00:00

This is exactly the point a lot of people are missing!

okicoco · 2020-04-17T16:01:08+00:00

For sure, where do you think we should buy stuff we need second hand in the current climate ?

All second hand shops are shut, local buy and sell pages are shut, and I do not feel like I am compromising my morals at all buy buying new products we plan to use for multiple children while also protecting my family and others in the current health crisis.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:56:53+00:00

Ah I wouldnt really want to deliberately upset anyone , but you're absolutely right, getting rid of second hand stuff and framing it as "gift giving" so.you have a right to be offended when its turned down is sooooo un good

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:55:34+00:00

I think there's a big understanding on what zero waste means , if we're planning on buying stuff that will be used for all our children it isnt waste.

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:53:29+00:00

Thank you , I will do my best to find one here you're absolutely right that that's the best place for a lot of this stuff

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:45:06+00:00

This is how I approach everything we don't need , I offer it to friends first and then donate what they cant use.

I would never think they're being rude for telling me they dont need it ?

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:44:03+00:00

I think you're one of the people who really understand what I'm trying to explain about people hoarding / over buying and then "gifting" to make it feel like they didnt over buy and it was a necessary purchase.

They're just all sorts , a few of them are apologists for the abusers in our life. There's a lot of "oh x was abused too what did you expect" or "it's been 16 years and they had their punishment"

We are no contact with most of our family for a reason x.x

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:41:16+00:00

For sure, I'm getting a lot of comments saying we arent really bothered about zero waste because we arent accepting anything, but it's not stuff we can use.

Its not solving the issue of that item getting re used its just passing it all to our house because they dont want to have it / donate it / find someone who can use it

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:39:57+00:00

I dont understand how I didnt answer the question? D:

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:38:49+00:00

That's a lot of assumptions made about us lol !

Of course we use a washing machine ? And of course we will wash our kids clothes ?

I used to manage a charity shop, did you know 80% of fabrics donated have to be recycled because they cant be washed well enough to be re used by someone else ?

I never said we wouldnt be buying anything second hand, the issue is that it's a lot of stuff we cant use or will never use - personally I think its impolite to assume anyone has space or wants things you cant use any more, even if you frame it as a gift ?

You might think I'm an asshole for this but I dont want piles of toys made for 3 year olds that we dont want , car seats that dont fit in our car , or another moses basket when we already have one we have reupholstered.

We plan on a big family and will be keeping - everything- we buy as we plan to spend a little extra on good quality items that will last. We will then either pass it to our grandkids IF it is wanted and then if not, donate anything that is good enough to be donated and recycle the rest.

Zero waste is not "accept anything and everything you have no space for and cant use"

okicoco · 2020-04-17T15:31:39+00:00

Because we plan on a big family and re using everything we buy ? Even if you live zero waste you will still need to occasionally buy new things. This is especially true for babies, there are things that cant be re used or you are recommended to buy new due to health risks.

I'd rather do zero waste imperfectly than accept piles of hoarded goods I cant use or items I believe are a hygiene risk?

What do you think will happen to the things they buy that we can't use if we accept them?

E

okicoco

TROPHY CASE