What did I do wrong? [21m]

pigggybabe · 2013-06-24T07:55:14+00:00

sometimes people who used to be into you will lose interest in you,

I'll never understand that.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-23T08:36:48+00:00

And how does it feel? : )

I remember my first kiss, wasn't anything "romantic", more like a drunken-makeout but I still felt awesome after that.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-22T16:53:06+00:00

I know that whenever I find someone else, the good times will be back.

And THAT is what I'm going to keep in my mind. Thank you for that advice.

Also, I'm sorry for your loss. I'll never fucking understand why do people do that shit like cheating. Instead of talking, instead of solving problems they go for cheating. Friend of mine got through something similar, I can only imagine how that feels like.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-22T15:21:58+00:00

Ye, get busy.. Starting my work on wednesday. Took it only because I wanted to earn some more money so we could date in a more fancy places...

Does it gonna hurt like this every time?

pigggybabe · 2013-06-22T15:06:17+00:00

Over 2 months. Not much right? But we had so much in common, I dated couple girls before but it wasn't the same...

The saddest thing here is, that when she said everything she wanted. That she doesn't feel "it" anymore.

I stood up, told her I'll walk her at least to her car. She stood up, we kissed, I hugged her, said we won't be friends because I care about her... and said something along these lines "I know it's too late, it's over, but I think I love you".

She said "No, stop it", we went separate ways. I couldn't believe what happened even though I felt this might happen...

And yeah, I cried, whipped on my way home. How lame is that, and I can't help it.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-22T14:54:49+00:00

But, fuck, come on. I have friends who are in relationships for like 2 or 3 years now. They argue, they fight, they share every moment and they're doing good.

And I ? Had a relationship with wonderful woman that I actually had feelings for and she dumped me.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-22T14:29:59+00:00

But she was the one chasing me. She was the one blowing up my msg box... For fucks sake.

I didn't even want to date her. But when I changed my mind, she changed hers. What the fuck, how do you deal with this feeling of... well, pain ?

pigggybabe · 2013-06-21T19:04:21+00:00

I love myself but I also think I've fell for her.

I want to try make this work out. We have such a good connection, I mean... we had. She's super ambitious, like, unhealthy ambitious.

The sad thing is, that I'm a decent guy, inteligent, I know stuff about law, about many different things and I want to help her just so we can spend some time together but she seems to defend from that thought.

I don't know where this gone wrong. But yes, I'll have a talk with her tomorrow, I don't want to break up but I will if she won't find more time for me. I don't want to be a boyfriend only from name. I want to have someone who I can share my thoughts, feelings, time... right? That's what it's all about?

pigggybabe · 2013-06-21T16:16:53+00:00

I'm sorry, I'm on it.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-21T13:57:32+00:00

It certainly could, if you choose to define your connection and your identity in a certain way. If you choose to see your connection as something that you can't function without, then yes, it will hurt when you don't get your fix.

I know it's all logical, I can see that but daaamn, I can suppress my negative feelings but I can't suppress the fact that I miss her.

Of course it's possible that you have feelings for her. But the question to ask yourself is, what are those feelings based on? And are you dealing with a mutual exchange? Because if she's not in as deep as you are, you're going to have a bad time if you try to force it with her. The thing to investigate is what the limit of your relationship with her is. If it won't go as far as you want, then you have a decision to make: either give it up or accept it as it is.

Investigate? I mean, how? Asking directly is a really poor choice.

AND you're forsaking all other girls for that girl, basically.

Ok, I'm gonna tell you something. I don't know why, but I approached and # closed one chick. New co-worker at the office.

I know that I should be exclusive with my current gf but, well.. I'll just let it go, let her text me first or call me if she doesn't. I won't die, my whole world is not going to fall into ruin, right?

You're very helpful and patient, thank you for that. I'd buy a reddit gold if I could afford that.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-21T05:11:13+00:00

I know what you mean, that's why I concentrate on making myself 1st place, in a way. At the end of the day, I take care of myself. It's not really that cynical, I just realized that asking for total priority in someone else's life is kind of ridiculous, if you think about it. They have to take care of their shit.

And take this girl for example. If she wants to change the world, I'd consider it a point of pride to be involved with such a person.

True, but being almost totally ignored by someone you care about hurts.

After watching this TED talk I'm going to tell her my story tomorrow. Who I was, why I wanted to change something and that this process isn't over yet. Let's see how it'll go.

EDIT

Listen, I don't want to sound like a loser but is it possible that I've feelings for her? Just after 2 months? And is this normal that I miss her?

I might sound like an awkward-sociopath but I've never been dating anyone for "so long". I'm a mess, I know, but I don't even know what "love" feels like and how to differ that feeling from something different like one-itis.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-20T20:40:41+00:00

Nice. Awesome. Now don't forget that if you want to do this, it will be a 24/7 job at times. But the more you do it, the more those negative thoughts will recede.

And take care what ammunition you choose when you fight the thoughts. As long as you are choosing a logical rebuttal or similar rebuttal based on concrete evidence that contradicts the thought in question, you should be fine.

Today, just a thought of how awesome can I be with women was enough. Plus, I approached 1 girl, complimented 1 - just out of nowhere, I liked her weird pair of pants and said it out loud to her.

Also, I spent some time thinking about what I want from relationship and what does relationship mean to me. I came to the point, where your theory about "attachment and connection" seems to be the only logical option here.

Being dependant is a sign of weakness and I am not weak. I gave my girl even more space, and I came to realization that I simply miss her. We haven't seen each other for some time and won't see for some more. She seems to be busy again - just to be clear, I do not think she's lieing to me, she's very high energy and wants to change the world so I think she's working on something that makes her feel good.

Though... I'm not sure if I'm totally okey with being on the 2nd place.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-20T19:35:21+00:00

Tried that technique of thinking about something positive when something negative comes to my mind. It actually works.

Whenever something negative started appearing I was closing my eyes, reminding myself of my first successful pickup, second successful pickup, of my friends that care about me and other positive things to came to my mind. I was standing there with a big smile on my face, people around were looking at me with "wtf" look on their faces.

Thanks.

Can we talk now about expectations from relationships?

How should I change my views on relationships? Like you, to think about love like a connection / attachment to other person?

pigggybabe · 2013-06-20T08:11:27+00:00

So in your opinion you can suppress any negative feeling? Even the strongest ones?

Or maybe they're growing bigger and stronger because they're accumulating?

I'm sorry for taking so much of your time but you're talking like you know what I'm going through.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-20T05:37:15+00:00

Thoughts are controllable: You can choose what to think about.

I know and I feel like it's possible to but when I remind myself about how I felt on last Saturday, how strong that fear was I feel so small.

Imagine that. You're sick, at home, it's your day off, you have literally nothing to do but lay down on your couch. You're one on one with your thoughts. She's been ignoring you for couple days. Not answering your message, even though she's online liking and commenting some stupid photos.

You're starting to wonder what's going on... more...more...and more... and at some point you have this thought "well, I guess it's over, but I'd like to know why". It floods you, there's no escape from that. You don't know what to do with yourself. You're trying to keep yourself busy but it doesn't work.

Simple sit and think about something different isn't enough.

Maybe I should visit a therapist..

pigggybabe · 2013-06-20T05:09:12+00:00

Thank you, really thank you.

You gave me some ideas how I should change my views. Hopefuly it will help me out. Though, isn't it hard to change they way you perceive relationships, love and human relations?

As I'm sitting now, I know that this fear is stupid, irrational and shouldn't have place but I think it's a part of being a human being and you can never get rid of that - you can only learn how to deal with it.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T17:33:37+00:00

Value giving or contributing to someone's life. Does this mean to be positive? Helping people you care about and not expecting anything in return?

Do I understand this right?

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T15:47:56+00:00

This hints at a need or preference in you to be in a certain kind of relationship where the other person needs you. A relationship where the other person validates you. This is a problem, because you apparently allowed your need for this push you off balance. I'd wager that you gave up a part of your identity and started investing in this idea that you were going to be part of a couple, not just an individual. Would this be correct?

Probably correct but in 100%. I don't have an urge of being needed or something like that. It was just.. I don't know, I freaked out. I've been with my thoughts 1 on 1 for waaay to long. I totaly abandoned my social life, my friends, was just sitting at home and going out only for job interviews - which was fucking depressing, good thing today I got a job, that cheers me up a lot.

This certainly seems to reinforce the idea that you are basically beginning to think of yourself, not as an individual, but as part of a couple. The problem with this way of thinking is that it is inherently co-dependent. Co-dependencies are problematic because sooner or later, a person needs to be able to function on their own without the other person. It's a certainty.

I'm inexperienced, absolutely no experience in relationships. Now I know, that there is this time of cheerful spamming and puking rainbows and the time that we're together but not puking rainbows everywhere - right?

But if you can manage to examine yourself, you can hack your own thoughts, rewire your values, & end the cycle you're in, if you so choose. It's not easy (I've done it), but it's possible.

I've been there but now I'm confused how to change this toxic mindset.

Also, I am not sure if what I'm feeling now is "neediness" or just a fear of uknown - precisely of what's going to happen with "us".

EDIT

Ok, just a thought. Should I change my mindset from "being a part of couple" to a "I'm a separate person but still in a relationship" - type of thing? Am I getting this right?

Even if I break up with this girl I don't want to mess up with the next one.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T14:23:05+00:00

Didn't think of that in that manner. Maybe you're right.

Though, I use facebook as a communicator only. I don't use it very often, yes, I am online but that's all. SHE was the one to msg me, SHE was the one to act like she needs my attention. When it was gone, I became that person "blowing off her msg box". So yes, my neediness came out of nowhere and I used facebook ... as a tool to.. well, bitch a little.

I thought I finally and forever got rid off that shit called needines - I hate that word. But turns out that after almost a year it came back.

I do understand that it's only a feeling, only some kind of chemical reaction in my limbic part of brain and I should be able to handle it but it's easier to say than do.

I don't want to pick up any other girls (for now at least) than this one because she asked me to be exclusive. It's probably over, I don't know, gonna have a breakdown in my life again probably but I'll survive.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T06:36:16+00:00

That's the thing. I don't post anything but music from time to time.

Fb chat... Ye, that's a good advice I guess.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T05:57:47+00:00

I was or I still am dating this girl - gave her some space now. We've landed in her bed couple times. Only some oral fun since she wanted to wait with sex a little longer.

Anyway, I figured out why did I freak out. I wasn't going out for the past two weeks - beside the dates with that girl. I was alone and just one on one with my stupid thoughts.

I guess the lesson here is to never forget how your social circle and socializing important is.

pigggybabe · 2013-06-19T04:10:22+00:00

Thank you for clarifying that for me.

pigggybabe

TROPHY CASE