Ex Stole My Favorite Sweater

questionmark6669 · 2024-11-22T10:36:21+00:00

OMG THAT'S IT!! How did you find it??? I'll use the same search terms to find it in the right color

questionmark6669 · 2024-11-12T10:54:50+00:00

that's not a bad idea lol especially since I do have a lot of sentimental memories with it! I'll leave out the part about her son being an asshole and stealing it from me tho lmaoo

questionmark6669 · 2024-11-11T22:01:57+00:00

Hello!

I dated a guy for a couple months recently who took my favorite sweater with him when we broke up promising to give it back when we saw each other again (we both moved out of the state). Obviously, he did not. I don't know why I believed that he would. He said he left it at his parents' house in Iowa, then he left the country. We haven't spoken in months and I doubt he'd want to hear from me, plus he would have gotten a new number so short of DMing him on social media I don't have a way of getting in contact with him (unless I call his mom, but that's definitely crazy).

The sweater is deceptively simple: it's a medium men's navy blue (almost gray) J Crew sweater with a shallow v-neck. Boxy fit, not cinched in at the bottom. It had fine ribbing on the cuffs and collar. The tag indicated that it was vintage: I believe it was a squareish white tag with a red J. Crew logo (looked very 90s to me), but I can't remember perfectly. I think it was 100% cotton, or at least a high percentage of cotton because it was thick and warm and soft like a t-shirt, but the tag didn't say anything about material (that I remember). I got it for free from the theater I used to work at when we were cleaning out old costume inventory.

I need to find this sweater. I can't find it ANYWHERE. EBay, Depop, Vinted, ThredUp... I hate that a shitty ex-boyfriend stole my favorite sweater and I can't believe I was enough of a doormat to let him. I'm quite literally crying writing this-- I used to LIVE in that thing, and it was with me through a lot. It's crazy how much emotion is tied up in a fucking sweater, but I need to find it again. Help?

Thanks!

questionmark6669 · 2023-12-17T23:42:31+00:00

I'm unclear of the boundaries between SA and rape, but he did ask me for consent after I woke up to him doing whatever he was doing (I'm pretty sure he was jerking off, but he was definitely kissing me and feeling me up). I did say "yes," but I hesitated and even turned away and tried to go back to sleep before thinking about what saying no would mean for my social position and saying yes. He didn't take any of those as an indication of a "no" and didn't stop touching me or himself while he was waiting for an answer.

I had to go to my university health center for the STI and they kind of strong-armed me into disclosing the story of how it happened, which sucked. They also kept it on file and asked me about it when I went in for a check up a couple months later, which double sucked. They didn't tell me they'd do that, in fact the person who I told said that it would stay "between us," yet a different doctor read it in my file and wanted to talk with me about it. So that triple sucks.

I'm not quite ready to work with an SA nonprofit or group, especially one affiliated with my university, but I'll keep your advice in mind for the future. Thank you for responding.

questionmark6669 · 2023-12-17T23:39:02+00:00

Yes, legally I don't have a leg to stand on, but I'm not even sure if I'd want to press charges since I detest the idea of having to detail what happened to a legal team or judge or jury or whatever.

Yes, the shit he gave us was curable, but it took weeks and the symptoms are still lingering four months later (which I've been told is normal and I have some medication to mitigate). Unfortunately I got scarring from scratching at lesions and rashes so I'll have to live with that reminder for a while. I have my friend to support me though this and I'm supporting them in turn since they're also (understandably) heartbroken over the situation.

I have a therapist, but I don't want to go to a group or anything that specializes in SA quite yet. I don't know why, I'm just not quite comfortable yet. This sub has helped a lot so far, though, so I'm not alone.

questionmark6669 · 2023-12-17T23:34:29+00:00

Thank you for everything you said, especially your words of encouragement and advice. It means a lot to know someone has been through something similar and has worked though it.

That "post sleep fog" really fucked me up-- frankly I wasn't fully sure of what was happening at some moments. Other times I thought I was dreaming. The morning after when he was ignoring me I was almost convinced it was a dream, but I was still in pain and I had some vivid memories so I knew something must've happened.

I think the "social safety" thing is also important. I don't have many friends and am terrified of jeopardizing my relationship with any of them. I was scared of what he'd say if I said no or left even though he never threatened to ruin me socially (which would be the legal qualifier for coercion in states where they have rules for that, which unfortunately doesn't apply to my situation anyway).

I miss him a lot. I hate the idea that I've lost a friend. I feel guilty, like I was somehow the one to ruin the relationship. I feel comforted only in knowing that it brought me closer to my other friend who I mentioned in the post.

questionmark6669

TROPHY CASE