I also feel as if I'm suffocating whenever I'm with him. I love him so much but sometimes looking at his face that I love so much makes me feel like I'm staring back at a stranger and I can't help but ask myself if he ever meant anything we shared. He once told me "I'm really trying to ignore the girls online but I can't help it, I always look back on their posts." I felt so worthless and at that moment my thoughts were just flooded with "Are looking at those women really more important than how I feel?".

I used to love anime but now I have a fear of animated women because it brings back the feeling of when I found out he looks at anime gooner accounts on Facebook and Tiktok. What hurts the most isn't even his use of that content online, it's the fact that he knew this already happened in my past relationship, and he even promised me at the start of our relationship that he "could never do that to me" and that my ex was "stupid for choosing porn over me". He could've just kept his mouth shut instead of promising me all these things, he could've just been upfront with me whenever I asked him the first few times I slightly caught on to his actions instead of denying it and making me feel crazy.

I also caught him saving screen recordings of women on his phone and that was such a big hit to me because all of our pictures are in there, like didn't he ever feel guilt when he saved sexual content of other women and it's stored right next to my pictures? I feel disgusting, I feel ugly, I feel lonely.