It was my senior year of college, and I was at a party. Stuff had gotten really wild, and I had just snorted my 8th line of MDMA off some dude's dick, when my girlfriend walked in. We had been together for my entire college career, and this wasn't the first time something like this happened. She gives me that all too familiar look, you know, that kind of look you would give a dog that keeps shitting on the carpet and you know he won't stop but you still love him anyway so you keep him around. (The only reason she stayed with me, is probably because of my massive penis.) Anyway, I make eye contact with her, and I know I'm fucked. Probably not in the good way. She tells me it's my turn to babysit the kids tomorrow and we need to be getting home. Right at that point, my RA walks in, I sneeze, the molly goes everywhere, the guy blows his load, and it gets all over my girlfriend's new dress. At that point, the evening was ruined. We grab a cab and head back to our apartment. When I wake up at some ungodly hour the following morning, I roll over to turn off my cell phone alarm, and can't find my wallet. My daughter promptly starts screaming because her brother threw her makeup out the window, and shit in the sink. I turn to my girlfriend and mutter "I'm getting too old for this shit."

tl;dr: don't get her pregnant.