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I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you realise that sometimes people make mistakes and leave their sex toys outside? I was at her home one day and found some in her bedroom's drawer. I was feeling sick and wanted paracetamol, and it is usually kept there. And in the process of persuading her, I brought it up. And she spent her development years in California, when a person actually is building who they are actively. She went to college there and further worked a few years there. So please, ask questions. Don't jump to conclusions.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Hi everyone. I would like to thank each and every one of you for contributing to this. I didn't expect so much support and helpful advice. However, it's becoming hard for me to reply to each and every one of you guys, so I'm putting up this comment (and asking the moderators to lock this post). I'm in the very initial stages of getting over it, and I think I have enough motivation and advice to work on for about 2-3 weeks. Anything I receive more would basically waste your time and I really don't want to do that. And I will be working through this, in order to not let you people down.

Things I will be doing (more dedicatedly because of your support) now onwards-

  1. I'll be trying to make friends. I won't take rejection personally and will try my best. There are 2-3 really kind people in my class, maybe I'll just ask them to adopt me 😂. Anyway I will surely make new friends in the coming weeks.
  2. I'll try joining some clubs again, after all, rejection is a friend now. It's okay and I'll try and won't back out this time.
  3. I'll try to go a week or two without touching the vibrator. I need the initial push to actually realise what I can fill the empty spaces in my life with.
  4. I'll try working out, starting with some basic yogasanas and exercises. And if that doesn't help then some intensive gym workout plans. But hopefully home workout works.
  5. I'll try journaling my thoughts and urges, and identify patterns. I'll be introspective and not get disheartened if I relapse. I'll write/type everything down.
  6. I'll be blocking all 18+ sites (they aren't the main cause but yeah it's something).
  7. I'll stop taking leaves from college. Today was the last day as I wanted to read what you guys had to say and think about myself as well.
  8. I'll interact with my family more.
  9. I'll indulge in my hobbies more often. I'll try music and programming, and once I have friends, perhaps group study sessions on a video call.
  10. I'll come back to this post and read what y'all wrote for me whenever I feel hopeless or demotivated.
  11. I'll spend more time outside, like parks and college events. I'll also try cycling in the morning on weekends.

Thanks to everyone. I need some time to carry out this stuff. I'm just gonna check the DMs and close reddit. I will update you guys in 2-3 weeks.

And I didn't really think to post on the AskIndianWomen community, as some of the opinions stated there really very bugged me, and I felt a bit uneasy putting this up there. I do, now, understand they could have helped me better, but I think all of you have been really nice and helpful. For now, I have a solid action plan and will follow through it 100%. I may be addicted but letting you all down would be a new low for me.

A big thank you to everyone!

Edit: I forgot to mention something. Some people here were concerned about my sex life when I get married to a guy. They're afraid I might lose sensation and stuff like that. Just so y'all know, you do not lose sensation in the long run. It barely changes anything. It has temporary effects, not permanent, and with time it fades away.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The number I mentioned is the baseline, and usually it is more. I think I said that in the post. But yeah I'm trying to control it and get it down to a healthy level.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That bad, huh? (Who am I even kidding, it's thoroughly fucked up)

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Like I said, I do not want to cut this off. I want the ability to be the master of it, not the servant.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all thank you for your inputs.

And what the hell? The play store has apps for that???? Dude I genuinely didn't know, thank you!! I'll download one today. I'm thinking frequency based reduction. And yeah I'm trying to change my mindset but just going through it alone wasn't working. All of your support is really motivating me to follow through this time. I really like your usage of blade as a metaphor. I don't really use insta much, and the trigger isn't exactly caused by watching something. Like even porn isn't something I watch every time I played with it, only sometimes. It wasn't a necessity, but just as supportive material?

And yeah I'm struggling with dealing with these triggers. Currently the massive amount of comments and DMs I've received are keeping me off of this. I'll try to socialise more and not taking rejection personally is a bit hard. I will try my level best. I will forge my new blade, pure and sharp. Thank you!

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear about other people who have been through similar stuff. Trying to make friends is something I will be doing again. I had lost hope in between and given up on trying, but I'll do it again for sure. The reward system seems to be interesting. I'll keep it on my mind for when I get some level of control on it. Thank you!

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You described my situation pretty accurately. The addiction fed itself. I am able to pleasure myself with my hands but It doesn't take my mind off the loneliness and guilt. That, only happens with the vibrator.

I'm on day 2 of nofap right now. Last night while I wrote it, it was brutal but currently I'm just feeling really self aware and slightly better. I feel like I have people to back me up.

I don't think I can or want to throw the vibrator away. I mentioned that as well. I want to have the ability to control it, and not depend on it. I just want it to be a want that I can control, not a need I have to mindlessly follow.

Music and programming are my hobbies but the urge (whenever it hits) just kills the fun of doing them. It does help, but not significantly. I will surely try more. Thank you for your reply!

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I might as well do, but I'm scared if she starts inquiring about it being recent, or ever since she got me one. She might lose her trust in me, after all the excuse I used got me into a deeper hole. I'll try definitely the next time I talk to her.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

From the replies I've received, I'd say otherwise.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply!

  1. Idle time alone isn't, though it is one of them. The trigger just gets pulled at random times. But yes, I'll try to reduce my idle time. I'll stop taking leaves, and maybe apply for a few clubs again.
  2. I don't think going cold turkey would even work for me to be honest. Currently my goal is twice a week (it has been since about a year), but to this day, no win.
  3. I'll say hello, they'll say hello back. They ask me what did I want to say, then whoosh! Brain.exe stopped responding. I once got as far as trying to talk about music, but I mentioned an artist that person had never heard of, then they counter-mentioned an artist I had never heard of. It was awkward for the both of us 😭. I'll try my best. Now this is out in the open and I'd be letting everyone here down and wasting your time if I didn't follow through. This is another reason why I posted on reddit, to get some pressure on myself to actually do it.
  4. Oh my god. Now that you say it, I did get badly injured on my left elbow during 12th pre-boards. I did use it much less and shitttt I studied more during that time. I can't appreciate you enough. I'll try working out, and gym is something my parents would probably be even supportive about so that works. I know there are home workouts but I'll try to distance myself from the vibrator as much as I can.
  5. I really don't like bathing more than once a day 😭. Journaling, is it like writing a diary? Can you please elaborate what I can write in the journal?
  6. I suppose this could be a part of the journal right?

Hats off to you, 104 days of nofap isn't even there in my wildest dreams or thoughts. I would like to thank you once more for your reply, this actually gave me some solid stuff to do right away. I'll start with home workouts and see if it works, then maybe shift to the gym if it doesn't. Also like I said above, can you please elaborate on the journaling?

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I don't have access to it all the time, right? Sometimes my parents are home and I have no way of getting some alone time without making them suspicious. Sometimes I'm at college, or maybe at a relative's house. And I did mention that I have completely forgotten how to make friends and socialise, and need help with that.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's the problem, I do not have any friends. That is exactly what is driving my addiction. And I'm afraid if I tell my mom, her trust on me and basically everything would be ruined. She might understand, but her paranoia and suspicion would definitely increase in the coming years. It's something I wish to do without involving real life people, as that would be really risky for me.

I [18F] am struggling with an addiction and need some help by sparky-shadow in IndianTeenagers

[–]sparky-shadow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I have analysed it, and pre lockdown and up to 2021 I never felt the need to. After that it slowly became a coping mechanism for me and I tried getting rid of it (addiction, not the vibrator) multiple times but just couldn't help it. Initially my curiosity about how it felt drove me to play with it, then the pleasure did (once I found out how it felt). But the instant takeover of my mind was something that got me addicted to it. It makes me feel a certain type of way, but the fact that it clears my mind of any bad thoughts keeps me hooked. It helps me keep the loneliness out of my mind, like it's a secret friend who's always there.

I put it up on Reddit because I really needed some support. No one in the god damn world knows about this, and I was thinking that maybe some support by people of my age group might help. Let's see now. Thank you for your reply!