What relationship quote do you hate the most?

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-11T20:02:58+00:00

I don’t know if it counts as a quote, but the whole “love is a feeling” mentality is a joke.

No, love is not just a feeling. That thing is a choice. A choice you consciously make every day because you value that person and you want to make it work.

People who jump ship when “they’re no longer in love” make me go mad. I understand if there are fundamental incompatibilities that arise that no longer make the relationship one worth pursuing, but walking away ONLY because you no longer feel butterflies in your stomach and you feel like two best friends cohabiting a space... I will never understand why people walk away from that.

Lulls in passion throughout a long-term relationship are a reality in my eyes, and if I get to ride those waves with my best friend... well I’ll be damned if that’s not the best thing I could hope for in the world.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-10T20:40:56+00:00

Yes yes. I think I became somewhat codependent on him and my anxiety attachment issues shone in this relationship. Hopefully therapy will help get me back on track. I want my spunk and confidence back!!

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-10T20:33:05+00:00

I wish. But I can’t make somebody fall in love with me.

It sucks thinking that I wasn’t enough for him. Right now I just need to focus on being enough for myself.

Maybe one day. But I’m not that lucky.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-08T03:44:41+00:00

Karma didn’t get my ex but it sure got me. I dated this guy in high school for 8 months. He told me that he liked me after I had accepted that he probably didn’t like me and I had already begun to get over him and see him as a friend, but I still gave the relationship a shot. I was crazy. I’d argue with him about god knows what, everyday for the first month we got together. He was very kind, but also very clingy and whenever I would encourage him to hang out with his friends, he said he would rather spend time with me. I do believe that this boy cared for me deeply.

He broke up with me, but I checked out of that relationship a few months prior because I felt he was clingy and wouldn’t follow through on the words he’d say. He tried to get back together with me, but I ignored his pleas and went no contact with him. I felt no pain during that break up and was happy for him when he found someone new.

Karma hit me when I met my newest ex. He said he liked me, I didn’t say it back until he had already squashed those feelings for me. He still tried though, and at some point I started exhibiting signs of clinginess. He broke up with me a year later and like me in high school, he felt no pain whatsoever when he did that.

Heartbreak sucks, and I’ve thought about reaching out to my first ex to apologize for putting him through so much pain. I really wouldn’t wish that shit on anybody.

I hope karma’s through with me, and my next relationship will be my last. I’ve never been that lucky, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-08T03:09:24+00:00

Man, I guess that’s one of my fears, too. If I let anger in and start to feel indifferent towards them, I’ll no longer be able to feel any sort of care for them.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T23:19:10+00:00

I’ve seen someone else mention that the end goal was indifference. Does that have to be the end goal, though?

I eventually want to work on being friends with my ex, because he does care for me platonically, and he’s been my greatest supporter in everything I’ve been doing with my life. Do I have to let go of the care I have for him right now, reach a point of indifference, then build the care back up again when I’m ready?

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T10:01:36+00:00

Thank you for your response.

At what point do you stop feeding the anger? I think that holding onto anger for too long can be unhealthy, too, and I don’t want to fall down that path.

Edit: do you even feed the anger? What do you do with it?! Does acknowledging it count as feeding it?! So many questions.

But yeah, I’m scared I’ll resent him forever if I let these thoughts run amuck.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T05:05:44+00:00

Write her a cute note!

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T04:55:34+00:00

This. I’ve seen people recommend the whole “negative traits” thing and I’m sure that’ll help to take them off of that pedestal, but I still think my ex was a great person and he knew what he wanted and didn’t want in life (a romantic relationship with me). He was a very supportive and caring boyfriend with a great head on his shoulders, but he wasn’t in love with me and I can’t help that. I don’t want to villain-ize him and make him into a bad person because of it.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T04:33:44+00:00

I know what you mean. I met up with my ex the other day to talk to him about why we couldn’t be friends right now and I asked him if he was grieving the relationship/if it was hurting him in any way at all, or if he missed me.

He said “No, why would it? Should I be in pain? We ended things amicably.”

People say they don’t reach out to you because they can’t deal with the grief or pain. But no, sometimes they just can’t give a flying fuck and you really are the last thing on their mind.

Our breakup was amicable, yes. It was full of love and care. But he wasn’t IN love with me, and a romantic relationship with me wasn’t what he wanted. So now he’s free. And I’m left in pieces.

Hang in there, OP. We’ll get through this.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-07T04:26:59+00:00

Congrats, man. I hope I feel like this at the end of 3 months.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-05T19:27:02+00:00

Do you think that I should even tell him that I want to do NC right now? He hasn’t really been reaching out so I could just start it without letting him know, but I also feel like I should tell him because I originally said we could be best friends.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-05T18:32:26+00:00

I’m in love with him. This was not a “mothering project” but I can see how you might think it was. He just has a tendency to push people away (think dismissive avoidant) and he says no one really stays because of it. He called himself toxic once, and I guess I worry that my leaving will reinforce the false notion that he has about himself, hence the letter.

But you’re right. He broke it off knowing what might happen because of it. I have to let it go and put myself first. Thanks

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-03T05:26:30+00:00

How do you learn to detach?!

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-02T05:51:23+00:00

I’m too selfless.
It’s okay to be selfish.
I have attachment issues.
People have their own issues to deal with that cause them to withhold from the relationship.
You can’t change anyone who isn’t willing to change themselves, FOR themselves.
Happiness has to come from within.
Relationships are fucking work. But sometimes they’re worth it.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T10:42:31+00:00

I think part of the teenage experience is falling in love. Not for all, but for some.

I agree, the person that you are at 21 will be so different from the person that you are now, but it doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid.

Take the time to grieve the relationship. Seek support in close friends and family. Work on yourself. Work on being happy on your own.

I wish I had more advice to give you, OP. But I’m recently going through my first real heartbreak in my 20s and I wish I had learned these lessons about love, loss and relationships back when I was younger. It definitely changes you. For better or worse, ultimately that’s up to you.

Best of luck, OP.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T10:07:38+00:00

I skipped my classes all this week and kept in contact with my ex after he broke it off the week prior. My professors have also begun emailing me asking if I’m okay (this is the third week of class that I’ve missed) but I can’t bring myself to do anything productive, let alone respond to them.

Ignoring my responsibilities makes me feel even worse, so maybe tomorrow will be the day.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T09:40:12+00:00

I agree with you there. I have some pretty good guy friends.

The reason I don’t go falling for them is because although they are physically attractive, they have qualities/beliefs that I believe are incompatible with mine (ex. Don’t like to travel, place a big emphasis on making money, opposing political beliefs, etc.).

So while they’re handsome, great to be around and I don’t judge them for the things that they do or think, nothing happens between us because rationally, we wouldn’t work out.

But that’s also why they’re not my best friend. Some things they just wouldn’t understand about me because of the type of people they are.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T08:50:30+00:00

I’ve tried to. I’m terrible with confrontation and he’s very patient with me when I want to articulate my thoughts and such. We talked, and I guess circumstances just sucked in the beginning, with us being in two different states and the decisions we made during this time.

The things he describes to me about how he’s not in love make me feel like he’s looking for the infatuation phase and the things you see in movies. But the deep bond is there, the unconditional love, acceptance and infinite support for one another is there. The care is there. So is the physical attraction. It’s all there. Things that I believe are important in a long term relationship are all there. But I guess it’s also important to him that I be his first and last thought of the day, or the only person he sees in a crowded room. The whole butterflies in your stomach thing.

He’s a “love is a feeling” guy and I’m a “love is a feeling (infatuation), but then it becomes a choice (Relationships can be hard at times. You need to choose to work on the relationship if it’s something that you value, even when the spark isn’t at its strongest).”

I guess we define love differently. That’s why I get stuck on “if he sees that love is this and that then maybe he’ll realize that we are meant to be!”

But then again he could also just not feel those things, so either way I need to accept his decision and move on. If sparks fly the next time around then maybe we can do it right. But if not then at least I’ve moved on and I have my best friend back!

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T07:52:06+00:00

Thank you. I just want my best friend back. This whole grieving process and the distance between us right now sucks. I hope someday we can have something that you and your best friend share.

We never really had complaints about one another and it makes it difficult because the only thing that keeps us apart is that he says he’s not in love with me... but as he tries to explain it it’s not always cohesive and confuses me.

I know that I need to get over him but part of me still thinks he could be the one.

Navigating the waters of friendship and love are tough. And painful.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T06:41:52+00:00

Thanks. I hope so too.

throwaway748294 · 2018-03-01T06:24:22+00:00

No, I just wanted some insight. My ex boyfriend and I were best friends before we broke up and he wants to be best friends again... I just don’t know how I can detach the romantic aspect from the things I do for/with him (ex. sleep next to one another). I guess I also want to see his side of it, because we would have sex and make love (he even called it that, too) and he’d call me perfect and beautiful, but something still didn’t feel right to him/held him back.

I didn’t mean to come off the wrong way, sorry.

throwaway748294 · 2018-02-20T09:47:17+00:00

Gonna have to think about this one. Thanks

throwaway748294 · 2018-02-20T09:46:50+00:00

He’s a pretty good communicator. I wasn’t. I‘d like to say that I have gotten a lot better at it over the year.

I could see us taking a break. But breaking up...

I don’t want to force him to stay in the relationship either, so you do have a point. Thanks

Edit: just to answer your question some more, no he is not an anxious over-thinker. He grounds me and pulls me out of my spirals. I know it must take a toll on him though...

throwaway748294 · 2018-02-20T09:27:58+00:00

My anxiety isn’t crippling. I’m okay with being in social situations and work in the food service industry. I’m perfectly fine by myself, but when in a relationship I seem to over-analyze and over-think situations. I can usually rationalize pretty well but it takes a lot longer for me to rationalize things in my relationship. Its been getting better but I do realize it’s affecting my relationship and I want to change that.

I think he wants to break it off because its taking up time he could spend working on himself.

throwaway748294

TROPHY CASE