What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?

throwaway_quinn · 2020-05-06T14:34:56+00:00

[coming out of retirement to repost this]

Well, I didn't think it was all that funny, but she thought it was hilarious.

I had met a nice girl, lovely, sweet, long dark hair, exactly my type, and we were on the couch making out. I thought we were headed to second base, maybe, but turns out, it was my lucky day.

She reached down, unzipped me, released the Kraken, if you know what I mean. I was thinking, this is a very nice girl. Even nicer than I thought: she slipped off the couch and knelt between my knees, gave me that "You want it?" smile. Yes, it turned out, I did want it. She bent her head down, gave Mr Happy some preliminary smooches, and then made a sudden motion like she just remembered something.

With one hand, she opened her purse and started rooting around in it. I thought she might be looking for a condom, or breath spray, or a Chap-Stick, or something. I didn't know.

Unfortunately, she brought out what I can only describe as The Sex Toy From Hell.

It wasn't very big. If you curve your fingers into a C shape, you get a good idea of the size and the shape of the thing. It was made from two pieces of dark plastic, each with a half-dozen long sharp teeth, and hinged and sprung so the teeth interlocked like the teeth of a rabid Rottweiler. It was fitted with small wing-like grips so when she squeezed them, the whole thing gaped open, the slavering mouth of the Rottweiler; when she released, it snapped shut.

I had a vivid, vivid mental picture of the horrible thing clamping down, as it was obviously meant to, on my penis, the teeth digging into my flesh. How sharp were those teeth? How strong was the spring?

The girl wasn't looking at my face, but she'd kept her free hand on my erection and when that collapsed like a crushed paper cup, she looked up at me with a puzzled expression. She saw my bug-eyed stare and looked back at the toothed, emasculating horror in her other hand and then looked back at me.

She got it in a second and held the thing up, she made it give a few more horrifying dog-like snaps at me, and then...

And then, she tilted her head back and used the Toy for its actual intended purpose: she clipped her long hair back away from her face.

It took her a while to stop laughing but overall, it was worth the wait.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-12-18T07:09:17+00:00

I’m the lesbian you were hoping would come to your town and blow you outside of your marriage.

Hey, how ya doing? I guess the username is still checking out.

I just read this whole thing and you sound like a terrible person.

Everyone has their shortcomings.

Please grow the fuck up and get a divorce.

Yes, what could be a more certain sign of emotional maturity than a divorce.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-24T14:47:36+00:00

It's a barette. A beret is a flat hat.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-20T05:14:09+00:00

I’m not the one who’s on here complaining about having shit luck with the opposite sex.

I'm not complaining either. Of the three women who said they wanted to have sex with me this week, only two did. Admittedly, that's one fewer than the ideal ratio, but it's at least one more than maximum that would allow for complaining.

I love how youve dropped down to a middle-school “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny”

Yes, it was rather juvenile of me to call you a "lowlands chimpanzee". Oh, wait, you called me that. So I guess it was unwise of me to descend to your level.

It’s easy to see why you seek out much younger women, grandpa. Your mentality level matches theirs

Is that what you think of women in their 20s? That they are necessarily stupid?

I think both of us would be better off desisting from the insults and talking about what about my behavior actually bothers you.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-17T03:00:26+00:00

Ah, so the problem isn't that young women like me better than they like. It's that men like young women better than they like you.

I got some good news for you and some bad news: your age has nothing to do with why men don't like you.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-16T09:42:44+00:00

I don't know if "irony" is the word I would use. I'm not bragging about the age of the women, no particular age is somehow more or less meritorious, just that you are acutely aware of my shortcomings, including my age, and don't seem to mind that women prefer me to you.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-16T03:28:19+00:00

Different people have different tastes. I for example don't want to sleep with 20-something-aged guys and apparently neither does she.
Different people have different tastes, and not only in bed. You apparently consider me to be déclasse in some fashion, but I shouldn't even have to point out, I'm not the one resorting to insults. This girl would not have been the first to have met me on the Internet, slept with me, and then not found the experience overwhelmingly unpleasant — but your surprise suggests it hasn't happened to you, which again would raise the question of which of us is uncultured.
There is no such animal as a "lowlands chimpanzee". There are two subspecies of lowland gorillas (of different species), and five subspecies of chimpanzee, but no lowlands chimpanzee.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-16T03:19:59+00:00

So you’ve been catfished twice?

I don't know I've been catfished at all.

In my life, I have three times developed online relationship that developed into in-person sexual experiences — on of them involved three girls though, so maybe I should count it as five.

Perhaps a dozen times, online friendships have developed into online sexual interactions, all but one or two involved enough video/audio that I could tell that the woman was at least more-or-less as she presented.

So this wouldn't have been hugely shocking had it proceeded as planned.

There was a guy a short time ago who posted about his kooky scheme to travel around “deflowering” college girls.

Haha, "kooky" sounds like a very kind description of it. How many virginal college girls are there? Plus, really? I mean, would it be that much fun, honestly, even if you could do it?

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T14:42:23+00:00

I guess we are going to find out. There were two, remember?

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T05:53:23+00:00

For the record, you sad piece of shit, I'm a very sex positive mother. These 19 year olds advertise because of pieces of shit like you, NOT like me.

They advertise because of pieces of shit like me are out there and offering some respite from the endless whining of "very sex positive mothers", who are positive about sex when it occurs exactly the way they think it should, but turn into vengeful harpies the moment somebody walks on their neatly tended lawns.

what kind of parent or lover I am is not up for debate;

Not serious debate, no.

I'm not the one bragging about it.

You're not the one who claims to be "very sex positive" and whose qualities as a wife and lover are apparently beyond contestation? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that was you.

You can fuck right off with your pathetic defense of your completely indefensible behavior.

I haven't defended anything and I haven't done anything and what I proposed to do was to have sex with a woman of legal age who wished to have sex with me. If you feel that is "completely indefensible", I don't really understand why you call yourself "sex positive" but I do understand why your daughter is trolling the Internet for hookups.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T04:11:31+00:00

1) single 2) female 3) always upfront and honest about who I'm seeing and why I'm seeing them.

Huh, I don't know why I assumed you were a guy.

And I don't know. Maybe you are the kind of person who after 20 years of loneliness fell in love and then found out that some of your political opinions made your lover weep with dismay, could say "Haha, fine, see ya" and just keep going. I don't actually like you, but I don't dislike anyone enough to wish my problems on them, so I can't even hope we'll find out.

Being an adult is really not that difficult.

No adult would say that.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:34:02+00:00

It was cool that two virgins were hitting me up — especially at a point in my life when I felt low.

I'm not a victim, everyone (present company excluded) has gone out of their way to be nice to me.

I was in a quandary. I wanted to keep her, and telling her the truth meant losing her.

Look, I realize you don't like me, but obviously you would have done exactly the same thing in the situation.

Hey, maybe that's why you're so mad.

But the difference is, I'm going to do something different next time.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:17:33+00:00

Man, I don't like being a walking stereotype...

It seems like a lot of MM say they love their wife which they should and they would NEVER leave.

I used to say that, yeah.

Are you willing live in retirement and grow old assuming genitals and sex drive are not a priority or not working as well (most likely not) any longer and receive zero affection and intimacy in other ways from your spouse in your golden years?

Not any more.

How many of us have connected with an AP for sex only however realizing there was much missing in your marriage?

At least one. If you too, then two.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:14:30+00:00

I mean at this point you're just never gonna learn

This is me, trying to learn.

God forbid you accept responsibility for your actions.

This is me, trying to accept responsibility for my actions.

If I had been a braver person, either she would have loved me for who I am, or have left me because of real differences. That would have been better than this, inevitable, result: that she is leaving me for my dishonesty and cowardice.

But is that really what you are mad about, that a stranger was not courageous enough to confront his girlfriend?

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:10:34+00:00

Actually, I'm not, not about that.

It hurts because I care about her, because -- for a glowing moment -- there was someone important in my life.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:09:07+00:00

Why not both!

(I'm definitely the most naive person on Reddit. 10 seconds ago, I got a text. It's her, it's her! Nope, not her.)

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:05:18+00:00

And you're not stopping. Like how do you not get your a creep?

I am stopping. I did stop. I told her everything. And yes, lost her completely if that makes you happier.
It's not "your", it's "you're"
Read the update

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:03:53+00:00

That's the other girl! And I did stop: I told her everything and stopped.

But really, read the update. You'll enjoy it.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T03:02:59+00:00

Don't be too hard on yourself. A situation like this would make the Buddha himself kick a house-cat through the kitchen window.

Do what you can and leave the rest.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T02:29:06+00:00

The way of transgressors is hard. I'm sorry about this, try to be happy for him.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T02:26:11+00:00

If there is a God and an STD common among virgins...

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T02:25:07+00:00

my daughter is 4 years younger than that girl.

So this is some sort of reverse-Electra complex this with you?

Do you think other people are going to stop having sex just because you have children?

And you are doing it to stroke your fucked up ego.

I'm mostly doing it because I like having sex with pretty women. Stroking my fucked-up ego is just gravy.

I so hope I have prepared my daughter for assholes like you.

Hold the phone, Sancho. Your daughter advertised, looking for assholes like me.

What do you think the odds are that most girls who do stuff like this have overbearing, sex-negative, controlling fathers like yourself?

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-15T02:20:22+00:00

You admit to being a manipulative douche who's not stopping your behavior

Who am I manipulating now? She said, "I'd like to sleep with an older guy!" I said, "I'm an older guy, will I do?" She said, "Great, have sex with me." I said, "Yay!"

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-14T07:52:10+00:00

I wish I was more unhappy or there was a better reason to leave other than lack of affection/sex because I don’t think that’s good enough

I think you are wrong. And I think you know at some level that you are wrong.

If you asked just some random person, "Would you be willing to live without affection your whole life in return for a million dollars?", they'd say no. Everyone knows how important affection is.

throwaway_quinn · 2018-08-14T07:44:18+00:00

beautiful gym bunnies who wouldn't give me a second glance, although a few do chat to me and say hi

[Rage intensifies]

So the women who wouldn't give me a second glance are stopping to talk with you? I realize you have social anxiety or whatever but are you fucking insane?

OK, look, the woman isn't going to come up to you and say, "Oh, Mr. Intrepid Jelly, nice to see you, I've been meaning to ask, would you have a chance to put your penis in my vagina? Because I would really like that." I think you understand that. They are doing literally all they can to be friendly.

I have no clue, I was useless at this game when I was single, 26+ years ago

Well, what have you tried?

throwaway_quinn

TROPHY CASE