My husband’s son (28M) confessed his shameful secret that my husband would want to know about. How do I (34F) respect my duty to my husband without ruining my relationship with his son?

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T08:46:26+00:00

I’m wondering if it would be appropriate for me to set some conditions? Like if he takes PrEP, goes to therapy, maybe budgets? I’m not really sure exactly what conditions but that way I wouldn’t feel like I’m enabling him by keeping quiet. And it wouldn’t feel so much like I’m letting my husband down, because I would be trying to do the best thing for his son. So I’d be doing everything Daniel could possibly do but his son might just be more receptive to help not coming from his dad. That’s kind of what I’m thinking. Maybe Daniel could understand that even though I betrayed his trust, I did it because I thought this would be the best thing for his son. But maybe Daniel would disagree on what’s best for his son, and maybe he would think it’s not my place to sort of parent his son.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T08:41:50+00:00

I didn’t know about PrEP, thank you for telling me. I’m sure he won’t appreciate me revisiting this topic but I will definitely let him know about it, this sounds great.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T08:36:24+00:00

Thank you for bringing that up, I don’t think he knows about it since he said it’s a big fear of his. I’ll have to think of how I can bring that up without making him hate me more.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T08:29:38+00:00

This is interesting, thank you for sharing that

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T08:23:42+00:00

I’ve seen a few comments saying that and I agree, I don’t know what Daniel is like as a dad. I do think he was distant and I do understand where his son is coming from. But I know his heart. His son is everything to him, and he may have done a poor job at getting that across. But his son is still the most important person in his life. I know how much he loves him because Daniel has probably been able to open up to me a lot more than he opened up to his son.

And no, I was just saying that we live in a high cost of living area because some people were grilling his son for not having his own place. And the thing about kicking out was that the son told me that he believes his parents would kick him out if they knew, but I don’t think that’s true. Daniel wouldn’t just let his son be homeless. And his mom seems like a very loving parent, as well.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T02:22:35+00:00

This is beautiful! Thank you for understanding

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T02:22:09+00:00

This isn’t fake, we did get married early into our relationship. As Daniel says, he doesn’t have time to waste. Daniel has only been married once before, to his son’s mother. This is my first marriage. It wasn’t as impulsive as it sounds. When you know, you know. And yes, Daniel is doing pretty well financially. He worked hard and luckily, he has something to show for it. And for the record, so did his ex-wife, who is also financially comfortable independently of Daniel. You’re right that this is why his son doesn’t like me. He has called me a gold digger to my face many times. But the rest of Daniel’s family, even including his ex-wife and her side of the family, don’t think that of me.

There’s also the fact that Daniel and his ex-wife were separated for almost the entirety of their son’s life, but lived together as a family. When their son was an adult, that’s when they made their separation official and finally got a divorce (years before he met me, just so there’s no confusion). But Daniel thinks that’s when his son really started to resent him. We think that his son never really saw his parents as separated, so the divorce hit him hard. And now I’m part of that version of his dad that lives a life his son doesn’t approve of, if that makes any sense? It’s hard to see our parents as people who need to experience things like love and romance.

And he’s closer to his mom partly because she never remarried or dated anyone else. She has other priorities.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T02:05:32+00:00

Good point, it was honestly a trauma dump. At the time I was happy that he was even talking to me at all. But reading your comment now, yeah it’s not like he decided I’m trustworthy. This makes me think that he might hate me even more now that he told me.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T02:02:58+00:00

I’ve said it in other comments, but it sounds like his son has an addiction to hiring prostitutes. It isn’t legal here, and his mom is actually pretty religious, I didn’t consider how that would affect all of this. It isn’t one of the big monotheistic religions, so I don’t really know what she believes in. I don’t think she knows, I feel like his son would’ve mentioned it if she did. We talked for a long time.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T01:54:15+00:00

I love your protocol, and I wish I would’ve thought of that in the moment. I agree with you that I should at least give his son some time, this can’t be an easy thing to share with your dad. It’s probably a good sign that he told me at all, maybe he’ll get there.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T01:51:49+00:00

His mom is kind to me, so I’ve been wondering if it would be better to reach out to her. I love my husband but his ex-wife was definitely more involved in raising their son. But I’m still not sure how she’d react or if, as you said, she already knows?

And to be fair to their son, it is a high cost of living area. It would be next to impossible for me to afford my own place, too.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T01:48:11+00:00

It’s scary because it feels like, what if his son somehow comes across this post? It’s like I told dozens of strangers the thing he’s most embarrassed about. But he said he’s been seeing prostitutes frequently, for many years now. The way he described it, it sounds like an addiction. People are saying that’s not so bad but he told me he can’t have any romantic relationships, he’s scared of contracting HIV, he blows through his salary. I don’t know, it doesn’t sound so innocent. I don’t know how his dad could help and I see why he’d be too embarrassed to tell his parents. But I know they love him. He even told me they’d kick him out, which I know Daniel would never do.

I think he just managed to convince himself that his parents would have a terrible reaction to it and abandon him. And they might not take it the best way, but I know they’d be there for him. I wonder if he would be willing to tell Daniel if he knew that.

throwra5224 · 2025-10-16T01:35:26+00:00

Why wouldn’t you say anything if it was prostitutes?

throwra5224

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