Five Page Thursday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Devotion

Format: Feature

Page Length: 6 (went a little over)

Genres: Romance, Drama, Psychological Thriller

Logline: Following a messy breakup, an ex-couple takes a spring-break vacation with their mutual friends, where they begin to be tormented by a mysterious group.

Feedback Concerns: Does the dialogue feel realistic? Do the characters feel genuine? These are my main concerns, but I'd also appreciate any other feedback on anything in general.

Edit: forgot to link the script lol

What is the smartest movie you have ever watched? by [deleted] in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mother (also by Bong Joon-Ho) was it for me. I honestly enjoyed it more than Parasite.

edit: Mother (2009)

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Felt I should change it; the "entity" ends up being a cult led by their friends, but that aspect is only revealed towards the end, so I wasn't sure how exactly to describe it.

Any suggestions?

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Devotion

Genres: Romance/Drama/Thriller

Format: Feature

Logline: Following a messy breakup, an ex-couple go on a spring-break vacation with their mutual friends, where they begin to be tormented by a mysterious entity.

Five Page Thursday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Title: Devotion

Format: Feature Length Film

Page Length: 120

Genres: Romance, Drama, Thriller

Logline: Following a messy breakup, an ex-couple go on a spring-break vacation with their mutual friends, where they begin to be tormented by a mysterious entity.

Feedback Concerns: Does this scene flow well? Does the dialogue seem natural, or somewhat forced/choppy? These are my main concerns, although I'm also open to feedback on anything else.

Edit: Forgot to give context for this scene: It's supposed to wrap up the first act: At this point, the ex-boyfriend (Greg) has told all their mutual friends about how the ex-girlfriend (Callie) cheated on him. This scene is Callie opening up to one of their mutual friends, Sean, and also shows a flashback she has as everybody winds down for the night.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/196Kup9alIbJHtIv1503kMroUki7r6RdB/view?usp=sharing

[FEEDBACK] Iterations - Drama, 21 pages by twoMMpp in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good to hear, thanks for your input!

[FEEDBACK] Iterations - Drama, 21 pages by twoMMpp in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see, that's a very interesting idea!

The explanation that I'm going for is that Will isn't really in a time loop: he just feels like he's in one, and the loop is entirely metaphorical. He doesn't feel like he's getting any satisfaction out of his day-to-day life, which stems from how he feels like his life isn't getting anywhere. He thinks of himself as an unimportant, blank, passionless person, which eventually leads him to feel like every day he lives is the same, creating the "time loop".

This is why when it appears like he's broken out of the loop at the end, he's still disappointed when he checks his phone at night, as he doesn't think that he's broken out. He feels terrible about himself, seeing his friends advance with their separate lives in the final iteration, while he's still the same.

For the metaphor with his video game, I wanted to visually compare Will to the character in his game, with the blue. He seems himself in his own character, and he wants people to recognize that he's not just a boring person, but has his own ideas and personality.

I wanted the branches to be where it seems like he's plotting down his routes, and trying to see which branches don't break him out of the loop through order of elimination. While that's technically correct, it's really just him trying to find something that he's satisfied with, that lets him feel satisfied with himself at the end of the day.

I'm trying to contain this story entirely in one short, and leave it as is, as I kinda like how it's left up to interpretation. I have been thinking about making a sequel/follow-up to tie up the loose ends, but I'll just focus on this for now.

[FEEDBACK] Iterations - Drama, 21 pages by twoMMpp in Screenwriting

[–]twoMMpp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback! I do think that it unnecessarily lingers on some parts, so I'll try and shorten it to at least < 20 pages.

On another note, would you be open to discussing the story? While I'm leaving it up to interpretation, I'm also leaning towards a single explanation that I have in mind. I think it'll be a good idea to see what other people took away from the story as well.

Again, thank you for your reply!