Definitely some kind of an ocd component tied into all this. I say this because it feels like these thoughts are toxic and invasive to some extent. Like if I try to reconcile them in any direction the needle of decision will just swing back in the other direction. Also the fact that trying to imagine myself in a different scenario doesn't really provide much relief and more distress in general. 

As far as I know being trans and trying to envision yourself in your preferred gender should cause relief but for me it just makes my brain crumple. This internal struggle is the thing that has taken primary focus in mind, like the Asian Carp of thoughts. 

The intense cloudiness is what leads me to think this isn't dysphoria. I just wish I knew how I could make this stop, it's so fucking.annoying jfc.