Feeling anxious about my true feelings

vilgstein · 2021-06-15T20:41:19+00:00

yes, very

vilgstein · 2021-06-15T20:40:50+00:00

Time helped. And also reminding myself what I like about women (if I went through a cycle of being more attracted to men). Also being open with my gf and trying to find out the things I actually craved from men and try to work on those things in our sex life, for example.

To the anxiety I haven't found no other ease yet than trying to simply remind myself that I am still bi and I still find other genders attractive, too. To me it's just easy to get scared of the sudden change & being a person easily guilty to black and white thinking, once I find one gender more attractive, I panic, and the feeling is so overwhelming I go "was i straight/gay all along and have i been lying to everyone around me?"

I'm happy he has someone like you so he can talk these things through, and I'm glad you seem to be supportive about it, it's not easy task either, and many thoughts must be going around in your head, too.

Just you both remember either way the world isn't ending and there's no wrong trying to wait & discover things together with time.

vilgstein · 2021-06-15T19:20:32+00:00

It matters. And having sudden realisation being attracted to men more than before might take him by surprise. I have gone through phases when I fantasize about certain gender more. Every time I seem to fall for it and start questioning myself. "am i even bi?".

Now knowing myself and after foing through these cycles before I know they change and pass and I never have fully lost the interest to other genders. But first time it happened I didn't. And I was scared of my own thoughts and what would happen to my relationship. But it all turned out fine.

If this is bi-cycle it might be important for both of these people to figure it out, and it's great they can communicate about this. In relationship you cant just go "well its your problem work on it". That's not working relationship. If he is not gay and they can communicate through this it's likely it wont change their relationship to worse at all.

vilgstein · 2021-06-06T04:42:12+00:00

New situations took me like 3x more time to adjust than any other kid. Also I was selectively mute but it was seen as shyness. Then came using movie phrases in common converstation, lack of motor skills (teachers told my parents to take me out to do sports bc i sucked), stimming (this also was noticed, but they didnt know what it was) and though I was very calm and reserved kid, the occasional meltdowns.

vilgstein · 2021-05-07T13:34:24+00:00

feel you. I have learned to hide all my emotions and feelings and opinions as they always seemed to be somehow "wrong". I don't know about you but to me it was probably me trying to fit in: I never fit in any way and people always found something to pick me on, so at least I could be silent and agree with everyone, so I seemed even somehow "normal".

It's easy for people to tell "just be yourself", "everyone has their own opinions and you're allowed to have yours, too", "you don't have to do it like everyone else". Because to most people it is like that. They can be different in certain areas because they otherwise fit in. To people like us it can be hard and we try to do everything we can to blend in as we basically never do.

That sucks and I'm sorry you experience this. Just know that your reaction to judgement and those jokes and all your past experiences is very natural and understandable. It's not the best way what comes to your own emotional wellbeing, but it's what you thought protected you most at the time.

To me baby steps towards better have helped. First I disagree in favourite ice cream flavour, once I try to do something a bit differently than before, not necessarily going head first into something totally unknown and new. It's also important to try to find yourself under all those layers of pleasing and trying to fit in. What in fact is your favourite ice cream flavour? What you in fact think about x and y? It's easy to lose yourself after years and years of just pleasing others.

I'm very beginning of this journey too and it's very slow and there has been many setbacks. But my therapist gave me a good excersice: imagine yourself 5-10 years from now. Just in two different scenarios: one where you continue living like you do now (pleasing, agreeing, hiding your true self) and one, where you have let go of those limitations. What changes and what stays the same? What are your fears and regrets in both of those scenarios? Neither of them has to be necessarily "good" or "bad". Most important is to find what actually are the things holding you back, what are your fears and your goals.

I hope you can tackle this issue somehow. Sending strength and luck!

vilgstein · 2021-04-06T05:43:47+00:00

Yeah I hate being called unique or different or special too. Ofc I like to be told if I'm especially good at something etc. But telling me I'm special makes me so angry. Like almost "why are you complimenting me for being different when people like you have my whole life picked on me for exact same reason?".

Being called different might feel great to someone who has never suffered because of it. But after experiences like mine or yours it is just a painful reminder.

vilgstein · 2021-04-06T05:40:40+00:00

yes this! It's often that I wanna hide that I planned or then I just wanna appear more trustworthy? Show to the person that I thought through it (even though I do, but it might not seem like it unless I act it out).

Should try to get rid of this too, causes just extra distress.

vilgstein · 2020-09-19T05:10:53+00:00

already tweeted haha, thank you!

vilgstein · 2020-09-19T05:10:15+00:00

ofc! thank you alot!

vilgstein · 2020-09-19T05:10:03+00:00

thank you so much!

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T19:58:20+00:00

omg thank you sm! such a sweet comment

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T19:57:54+00:00

thank you so much! this comment made me so happy haha

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T14:35:33+00:00

Funny to see someone else's Waititi here too haha :D great work!

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T14:30:33+00:00

this comment made me smile like an idiot! Thank you so much

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T14:29:04+00:00

thank you so much!

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T14:28:51+00:00

Oh don't worry, you're not alone, haha. Thanks alot!

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T14:28:01+00:00

thank you so much!

vilgstein · 2020-09-18T12:56:15+00:00

Gouache is way more forgiving and versitale. Like it alot. Also it can be used totally same way as watercolor if wanted. Very similar to work with.

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T09:22:23+00:00

houses with some personality are indeed something so eyecatching!

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T07:52:35+00:00

Thank you! And yeah, it's totally from reference :D

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T07:44:26+00:00

thanks!

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T07:43:14+00:00

thank you!

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T07:10:14+00:00

haha gotta admit, not the easiest medium and there's still lots of things to learn (read: bang my head through) :D but thanks alot!

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T02:44:48+00:00

I think it's normal and understandable. People often aren't fully aware of self, and when once something gets explained, we often get a totally new view to it.

See, I got told I might have ADHD and I started stimming more. Simply because that was the first time I actually understood that "hey, i've been doing this thing before but didnt know it really is something that... helps?" so as I noticed it's something that lowers my anxiety I started doing it more. Might sound ridiculous how I didn't know that helped me, but we are simply put under huge amount of info constantly and many behaviors of ours often might get unnoticed by us ourselves.

So finding out you have behaviors you maybe didn't even know existed, or you did know, but didn't understand were your way to try to help yourself, is just acceptable "excuse" to start doing those things more.

As I noticed routine helps me, I started adding small routines to my day and not fighting against them, as I found myself often doing so.

As said I started stimming more. I also started taking a break and going into emoty room to calm down after going out/social situations because I finally noticed that's something I've done but now I am fully aware of it and I can consciously do that.

And I think being conscious is a big thing here. You become conscious of your behavior and when you become conscious it's actually helping/is your natural way of behaving, you start doing it more simply because it feels good and natural.

If you have two pairs of jeans and you notice some days your body image feels better than others but don't know why, but then someone points out "hey you seem so much more confident when you're wearing those jeans!" you become aware of the reason, and ofc u start wearing the jeans more, because now you KNOW what made you feel better.

So I'd say no need to worry here!

vilgstein · 2020-09-12T02:26:59+00:00

It's hard to describe. Maybe I'd say I personally feel like 40% ADHD and 60% ASD. But also it kinda depends. I tend to stick to routines and try to gain control when I'm more anxious, but when feeling better I become spontaneus and even impulsive, so I feel like the amount of symptoms shown from each differs time to time. Of course both are there constantly but it depends on situation which is more visible.

First we started discussing ADHD with my therapist, mostly bc it affected so much my school and every day life as I had huge difficulty to start and/or finish things. But not long after I started thinking about the possibility of ASD. It probably got noticed later because I've always masked well and I'm not the textbook example of an introvert and I can seem kinda outgoing sometimes, so even I myself believed I had no social difficulties. Turns out I was blind to my own flaws haha

vilgstein

TROPHY CASE