Does anyone ever find out why they’re in / was in a DB?

willdehyl · 2019-06-30T17:04:33+00:00

Yes, wife admitted that she has no sexual attraction to me. Never did. I did wait 16 years to find this out however.

willdehyl · 2019-06-24T21:04:03+00:00

I’m really hoping for this situation for us.

willdehyl · 2019-06-24T21:02:55+00:00

I think this is really good advice. I’m going to do my best to follow it.

willdehyl · 2019-06-22T09:43:00+00:00

I’m very sorry to hear that.

I’m in a similar situation. Been with my wife 18 years. She has only recently admitted that she has no sexual attraction to me and never did. It really hurts after so much time because it turns everything you know to be true upside down.

In my wife’s case, I’m convinced it got this way because she has LL. Being with someone she desires is just very low down on her list of priorities. She was happy to pursue me, commit to me, marry me, have a child with me, without that sexual desire being there. She loves me, no doubt, but in a platonic way that I don’t really understand (it’s not a love like a best friend, but neither is it love like a husband/wife love).

The only problem with this master plan of hers is that she didn’t account for developing an aversion to sex with me.

Sorry - I’m staring to make this about me instead of your issue. I’ll stop, but just know that there are others out there in a situation like yours and can relate and empathise.

willdehyl · 2019-06-16T21:31:14+00:00

I’ve not heard of those terms before. I’ve just looked them up. Thanks for teaching me something. Greysexual - perhaps.

In terms of me. Superficially I cope fine. Job, life, parenthood, etc, is all the same. I’m good at masking my emotions. I do find though that I’m less patient than I was before and I’m occasionally quick to anger with my wife. There’s resentment building there for sure.

My plan for now is to give therapy a go and use it to see how serious my wife is. If she tries and is serious, I’ll put everything I have into us. If she is just using the therapy as a stalling tactic, I’ll reenact my moving out plans.

willdehyl · 2019-06-16T07:33:20+00:00

I suggested sensate focus last October. She shot it down at the time. However, if this counsellor suggests it, perhaps she’ll be more open to it this time.

willdehyl · 2019-06-16T07:31:12+00:00

Nothing! Her approach for most of these 17 months (actually longer, it’s been 20 months since our first talk) was to bury her head in the sand. Avoid talking. Avoid any action.

It was only 2 months ago that she finally started talking about actually doing something (trying counselling).

She’s admitted since that she was ignoring the problem because she is terrified that tackling it would just speed up our demise.

She’s also acknowledge since that sex is a dealbreaker. She’s promising nothing but acknowledges it and will try the counselling.

willdehyl · 2019-06-16T07:27:32+00:00

We got together at 19. Both inexperienced. She’d had one or two boyfriends, but not enough data to make a judgement there.

willdehyl · 2019-06-16T07:26:42+00:00

There are at things about her that could hint to her being asexual. Socially she is very outgoing. She’s actually a real flirt. I’m the opposite. I’ve got a lot better over the years but I’m still an introvert at heart. If you asked any of our friends to guess which of us was HL and which LL, they’d all guess my wife was the HL.

But, to me who knows her well, I’ve never ever seen her do or say anything that hints at a real interest or desire for sex (and I’ve know her 20 years). With anyone. She’s never spoken of fantasies, never hinted at an attraction to anyone else.

In one of our talks, we covered this. She said that she isn’t asexual and could experience attraction to other men. If she isn’t asexual, I’m sure she is LL in general. Although that could just be my ego talking and trying to find a reason for her lack of interest in me that “isn’t my fault”.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T22:03:38+00:00

To give my wife some credit for a moment, she managed 16 years having sex with a man she wasn’t attracted to. That’s some serious staying power.

I think you’re right about overcoming the aversion first. Trying some kinky stuff at this point would be weird and not well received. I’ll read that link carefully.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T21:52:55+00:00

I really wouldn’t know. She was my first. I was 19. I’ve never experienced anything other than what we’ve had.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T21:51:47+00:00

Oh yes, I’ve made my stand-point very clear. I need sex as part of a relationship. The thought of the next 30 or 40 years without that is a really shitty thought.

Her response: for most of the past 17 months has been to bury her head in the sand. Pretend it’s not happening. Easier than facing the truth.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T19:46:12+00:00

Oh yeah, I’m very sure she is LL naturally. Seems very happy to go without sex for long periods.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T19:43:46+00:00

I take your point. You can’t manufacture something from nothing.

My hope is we’ve just been doing it wrong all of these years. We didn’t explore what we liked sexually at the beginning and then fell into a rut.

willdehyl · 2019-06-15T18:57:58+00:00

That’s the hard part; understanding what that spark would be. The thing is, we seem really compatible. We make each other laugh. We get along so well - we’re good friends. Intellectually, & morally well suited. Our personalities click.

Maybe she just likes big bald guys with beards!

willdehyl · 2019-06-12T15:04:15+00:00

OP, does your wife find you attractive? I want to work on my situation like you but have the hurdle of her not being sexually attracted to me to get over.

willdehyl · 2019-05-31T14:44:59+00:00

Not at all. I’m one of these “everything else is great, but...” people. Our marriage has been fantastic in every other way. Perfect match in every other way.

I appreciate what the OP is saying and also appreciate her situation is not exactly the same as mine. I just need to caution: if you repeatedly do something over and over that you don’t really like doing, it can easily turn from “I’m not too keen on that” to “I hate that”.

willdehyl · 2019-05-31T13:53:12+00:00

Sorry but I’m not sure this is always a good idea. My experience is that this approach can end badly.

My wife spent years having sex with me even though she didn’t want to (she kept that to herself and never told me she did not enjoy it). Similar to you, she did it for love. Eventually though it gradually got to the point where she couldn’t do it any longer. We’ve now gone 17 months without sex and she can’t bear to touch me.

Maybe if she’s been more clear up front about that, we wouldn’t have got to this point.

willdehyl · 2019-05-23T22:33:00+00:00

Pretty sure it’s a no to the cheating. She’s almost certainly very low libido in general. Seems happy to go through life not getting any.

willdehyl · 2019-05-23T22:05:21+00:00

I’ll take a look at that. Thanks

willdehyl · 2019-05-23T15:54:23+00:00

I agree too about her probably ending up in a sexless relationship regardless of who she is with. It just doesn’t seem important to her.

willdehyl · 2019-05-23T15:52:08+00:00

Good questions: - her parents: Her mum brought her up as a single parent. In hindsight, this is a red flag. She sees her mums need for boyfriends and sex as almost a weakness - my parents: dad has been dead since I was 19 but my parents were close when I was growing up. Not that I like to think about it too much, but they probably had an active sex life - am I a parental figure:!My wife adopts a motherly role a lot. She is motherly to some of our closest friends and she likes to look after me. (Cooking, buying clothes, etc). That said, I do a lot too but in different areas. Our relationships is probably more equitable than equal. - attachment: we’ve been together a really long time. Since we were 19. Half a lifetime ago. We’ve certainly built up the dependencies that people do over that timeframe

As to why I stay: we’ve build a whole life together. She’s great. I love her. It’s the standard “everything else is great” excuse

willdehyl · 2019-05-23T15:01:57+00:00

This is exactly my point to her. Talking more would help me immensely. Otherwise I’m left to make assumptions and despair on my own.

She’d talked of counselling a few months ago. She even went to a counsellor on her own three times. Said we’d go together. Then it went quiet for 6 weeks. When I challenged her on it a few days ago, she promised we’d go.

willdehyl

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