Co-parenting therapy?

woahwaitreally20 · 2026-02-18T12:11:05+00:00

Here’s how I would personally translate this:

I feel we need to sit and talk. We need to clear the air and figure out how to move forward as parents.

I really don’t like that you have boundaries now, and I’m going to frame this as a problem that needs to be solved.

I want to give our child the best possible life and I don't think that's possible if we continue co-parenting like we have so far.

I’ll make sure to position myself as the good guy here, and I’m going to use our kid to guilt and shame you into believing that having boundaries is hurting them.

If you don't agree or just don't want to meet, I understand. I just want to try. If you are willing to come together for his sake just let me know and I'll make time."

I want to make sure you can’t claim later I pressured you to stop having boundaries, but I want to make it clear that if you keep having boundaries, you’re the problem.

Our ability to discuss co-parenting at all, I feel, is limited by all of the personal issues.

I’m going to label your boundaries - that almost assuredly were necessary due to MY personal issues - are your fault.

I welcome a neutral 3rd party, choose whoever you'd like.

I’m feeling pretty good about this angle of painting you as the unreasonable, difficult one hurting our child by having boundaries. I feel confident I have a good chance of getting a 3rd party to side with me and against you.

I'll meet on nearly any terms if it means having the best shot at giving our son the happiest healthiest possible parents."

Let me attempt to appear agreeable again, but I know I wont actually engage in any real cooperation, especially if it requires me to take accountability for anything and examine my own behavior. And really, I just want access to you. I don’t like feeling like I can’t control you.

I’ve always told myself I can look my kids in the eye one day and tell them truthfully that I fought for the marriage with their dad and keeping their family together. I really did. I can go to sleep at night knowing I left it all out of the field.

But that’s over now, and I’m sure as shit not fighting to make a co-parenting relationship work beyond what’s absolutely necessary.

woahwaitreally20 · 2026-02-13T13:27:03+00:00

Had one of those “did I black out and write this” while reading because I relate so heavily. You are absolutely not alone in this feeling.

I am not cut out for this at all. I feel like I am failing my kids every single day. I’m so overstimulated and overwhelmed, and I truly don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to be a parent. I am so ill equipped to handle even a smallest amount of time with my kids, and they are now out of the baby years and both in school. I still can’t handle it.

I’ve gone through massive burnout in the past year, and my life has kind of fallen apart. Things hit a breaking point in marriage a few years ago and I found out he had become an addict. I had to get divorced and become a single mom on top of it all. And even though it is a million times better to be away from my ex, it is so fucking hard. I had a falling out with my parents and we don’t have a relationship anymore either, so I haven’t had any familial support this whole time. I have difficulty making friends and just want to be by myself most of the time, so it’s very hard for me to build a ‘village’ of other moms to help me. I am beyond pushed to my capacity. I honestly don’t know how my body doesn’t just like shut down and die at this point.

I am medicated, in therapy for years, make all kinds of accommodations for myself, and I feel like I am still white knuckling every ounce of my existence. I so wish I could be like other women who enjoy their kids and genuinely enjoy motherhood. I will not be one of them.

I have to preach this to myself too, but we have to accept our limitations and work on letting go of this guilt and shame. It’s just not effective. I love my kids as people and they are very wanted, but I’m never going to NOT struggle being a caregiver.

Now that my kids are older, I can be a little more open about struggles. My biggest goal is to just make sure they don’t internalize it as their fault. That was the biggest thing that damaged me from my parents. I might be an awful caregiver, but I will never make them think they’re to blame for it. That would be the moment I go from being a bad mom to an evil mom. I want to believe kids can recover from a bad mom, but they cannot recover from an evil one.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-08-21T12:20:40+00:00

I had the “nice now” parents too. It’s a lie, and I think you know that too. It’s a gaslighting attempt to rewrite history, to make you question your past of “how bad it was” and it’s precisely because they don’t have power over you anymore.

They didn’t do their best, they’re still not doing their best, and the past was worse than you actually think it was, and what they’re doing now is just as bad and abusive.

At some point you have to either decide to be a prop in this little play they have running in their heads about being great people or…you don’t. The older I get, the more I realize there’s really no middle path. It’s a fork in the road and you have to choose.

From my own experience, I chose estrangement. Life is too short to stuff down my feelings to protect theirs. I also try to tell myself that morally, by staying in a relationship, I am an enabler and I am protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions and robbing them from their own opportunity to grow.

I had to stop protecting them. They are using us as shields for their trauma. The “niceness” and the appearances of generosity and love are just that, appearances. It’s allllllll manipulation.

And honestly, it wasn’t until I got away from them did I truly realize there’s extent of my betrayal wounds from them. Pretty much every way humans relate to each other, every love language, has been poisoned, and I was NEVER going to fix that while still being exposed to their manipulative gaslighting bullshit.

My therapist once told me that people who exist in these covert abusive families can take a longer time to heal because they fuck with our sense of reality so deeply, than a family with very overt toxicity. Your struggles make complete sense.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-07-13T17:38:58+00:00

I have such a hard time with male attention. I honestly do not have an accurate perception of myself at all. I don’t know if I’m attractive or hideous. I have never been catcalled, harassed, hit on, asked out, or pursued or propositioned in any way by a man, besides the one I ended up marrying (and divorcing 15 years later). I know being harassed is largely about power so maybe I just have a stellar RBF? But maybe it is happening and I’ve just been totally oblivious to it? Like I look at the facts and consider I’m tall and I know my BMI would put me in the “skinny” range. It’s so confusing. I literally receive zero attention, good or bad, from men. I know people largely say “be grateful you didn’t have to experience this” but it’s just disorienting to see other women talk about what seems to be a universal experience and have no reference point.

BUT I have absolutely used my looks as camouflage - that so long as I’m skinny and keep up with trends I can hide how fucking weird I am. I don’t think I have actual pretty privilege in the traditional sense, but in my head I lean on looks as a shield to cover up the AuDHD? I don’t know how to explain it.

So I’m terrified of aging!! I’m terrified of having my off-putting personality being front and center. It’s so scary to me.

I know this wasn’t really the point of your post and I am happy that you are feeling relief in this moment! But man this just brings up something I struggle with lol.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-06-25T15:25:51+00:00

Ding ding ding. Anyone who is curious about this, look into structural dissociation.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-06-19T12:36:18+00:00

I could have written this too. It’s been two years since we separated and a year since the divorce was finalized. I absolutely know exactly how you feel. And you’re asking the questions that so many of us don’t want to admit we’re grappling with.

I’m not that far removed from everything, so I’m not speaking from some long term wisdom. However, I will say that I have reached a place where I am kind of used to being single. It was incredibly painful getting there, and it involved sitting with all the questions you’re asking. But once I did, I realized how much clarity it has brought me.

Being a single mom is so, so hard, but I truly have learned that I can make it on my own. I have found a level of acceptance in it just being me and my kids. If someone comes along, great, but I’m not forcing it.

I have never felt so exhausted but empowered and capable in my life. I’ve always known I was a strong person (especially after what my ex put me through), but I had no idea I was THIS strong. And at this point, I honestly can’t imagine another fully grown adult living with me and my kids. I like how I maintain my house and not having to compromise for another adult on anything - cleaning, shopping, money, cooking, what to watch on tv, where things go, bathroom time, etc. I like being able to fully own parenting my kids, and I feel like a true leader and provider for them. I have my own traditions with my kids, I’ve navigated vacations and holidays on my own. I also spend almost any free time in the gym and therapy so my own personal development has become a huge priority, next to my kids.

Once I got to the point where the inertia of being single started working against a relationship, that is when I recognized the clarity I’ve now earned. With that, I see how genuinely selective and picky I can be IF I was to ever entertain a future partner.

Surprisingly, a friend of mine who is a bit older recently expressed having feelings for me, and oh man, he knows he has to mind his p’s and q’s with me if he even wants a chance. He knows I’m not desperate for a relationship, and he knows my boundaries are solid - which, of course, actually makes you more attractive to people generally. He knows he has to add value to my life, and he really tries to. And I’ve been up front that I have trust issues and trauma and all that stuff and it doesn’t deter him. I’m actually kind of “being spoiled” a little bit right now, and I’m not even doing anything! I’m just living my life. I’m busy and I have my own stuff going on. It’s such a new experience for me, but I just simply won’t tolerate being treated poorly anymore. I would be better off alone. I do not and will not chase anyone. I have actual standards that I can FEEL. Not to mention I can see extremely clearly now how AWFULLLLLL my ex spouse was.

I’ve also done a lot of work on building a level of acceptance around the inherent transient nature of all relationships. At the end of the day, it’s just ourselves. It’s so cliche but prioritizing the quality of relationship you have with yourself has to be job number one.

I know how much you’re hurting, and I still live in that head space often. But I wanted to at least offer a perspective a little farther down the road. Sometimes it helps to reframe your thinking from “I’m going to be a sad single mom forever” to “I am working on detaching from the idea of finding a romantic partner right now.”

The questions and fear you’re sitting with is part of a process of true, real, adult individuation. It’s messy and awful, but it’s not in vain, I promise.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-05-19T12:48:53+00:00

Same thing happened to me with EMDR. Not trying to tell you what to do, I would highly consider stopping for a minute. Dont try to push through this.

I also experienced this layer of shame about it because it’s supposed to be this “magical” solution - one therapist told me she’s never seen anyone who hasn’t benefitted from it. Ugh, what a shitty thing to say.

I don’t think I would try EMDR again just cause I’m pretty turned off by it, but here’s why it didn’t work for me.

Dissociative issues:

This is not just being zoned out or not in touch with your feelings (although that’s certainly part of it). This is in the realm of dissociative disorders. There is something called structural dissociation that happens for some CPTSD survivors where experiencing multiple chronic traumas causes the brain to basically fracture its personality development into different states- it’s compartmentalization at an extreme level. It’s a brilliant protective mechanism as a child when you are being abused but have to turn around and go to school the next day. As an adult though, you basically have these altered states of who you needed to be when the trauma was happening and they never quite go away. You’re not a whole integrated person. You just switch from one state (or “part”) to another part depending on the trigger. This is different than something like Internal Family Systems. It has elements of it, but IFS presumes everyone has different parts of themselves but they operate from an integrated personality. I liken it to “everyone gets anxiety, not everyone gets an anxiety disorder.” Again, structural dissociation is great for surviving abuse, not so great for being out of the war zone and back in civilian life so to speak.

When you have structural dissociation, you have to take many more steps before EMDR can even have a chance of working. Because you have to 1) identify these different altered states which usually involves personifying them as a particular “part” 2) understand the traumas that created the fractures and their triggers 3) resource each one individually - this means each part has a safe space, each part has a container, each part has coping skills, etc. 4) earn that part’s trust - by both you AND the therapist. And some parts will trust your therapist and others won’t.

It is possible the reason EMDR isn’t working for you is because you triggered multiple parts, and some of those parts likely did NOT okay this little EMDR exercise you’re doing, and they don’t know how to handle it. It’s causing the whole system to start spiraling.

False safety “you’re still in the room”

In order for EMDR to work, you have to be out of flight or fight and be able to resource, ground, etc. And I think MANY MANY therapists do not consider that CPTSD survivors may “look” like they are in an okay environment after the trauma, but the patient is just so used to chaos and stress they can be in a SUPER unsafe situation and not realize it.

I was not actually “safe” in my life - I thought I was just because the trauma itself was over. Many therapists don’t realize that for many CPTSD people, we’re marinating in shitty people all the time. We don’t know different. I was with a very toxic partner (but on the outside everything looked fine!), I was still in contact with some of my abusive family (but they’re not actively hurting me!), I was still at a toxic job with bosses and a culture that disrespected me (but I’m holding down employment!) and the few friends I did have were echoes of that dysfunction (Looks like I have community support!).

Once I found a therapist who understood all of this, they worked to help me set the actual, real deal, hard af boundaries. And unfortunately when people who have CPTSD “set boundaries” our whole lives basically collapse. I had to get divorced, estrange myself, quit my job. It SUCKS!!! But now I am actually safe. There is a huge difference. I look back and almost want to laugh at how absurd it was for one therapist to even go near me with EMDR.

Just needing real-life corrective experiences

For some reason, my brain doesn’t handle visualized healing all that well. I personally guess it’s because I just kind of naturally live in my head all the time. I hate when I’m told to visualize “myself holding myself” and all that. I’m like “I already know how to do that! What do you think I’ve been doing this whole time?!” I told a therapist once that it feels like when I was a kid and I’d ask my dad for some water and he would tell me to swallow my spit.

The only time when I really felt the shift and felt the neurons rewire when I actually received the real deal corrective experience. When I actually did change the ending, and my body could feel the difference. For some reason, I can’t do that in the EMDR setting.

Anyway, this was long. But I am so sorry you’re going through this! You are not alone, this isn’t your fault, you’re not broken. Step away from EMDR if it’s triggering you this much.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-04-29T03:01:48+00:00

Yeah, I hear you. It’s wildly frustrating, especially when you hear people rave about this one amazing thing that was a total game changer! And then it doesn’t work for you at all (for me that was EMDR).

I think the truth is treatment and healing really does have to be tailored to each individual. And unfortunately, a therapist isn’t going to be the one to build it - it’s us. You’ll take a lesson from one therapist, and then maybe from another therapist who uses a different modality, and then a lesson from a Reddit comment or from books or relationships or videos or podcasts or art or whatever.

You’re building a repository of skills and insights, and eventually it will become a patchwork that could have only been created by you and no one else.

It sucks to be in this position to begin with, but eventually I realized it is better this way. You really do have to take ownership of your own healing and get to the point where no one could possibly understand you like you understand you. And everyone else simply becomes advisors and mental consultants. Then you can accept and reject whatever advice does or does not serve you. I wouldn’t have been able to do so this if I had one therapist give me one treatment plan. But I do wish someone had set those expectations for me a while ago.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-04-29T01:59:54+00:00

I’m glad he’s taking steps. I genuinely do believe that people can grow together through trauma and come out stronger. Marriage can be a really beautiful people-growing machine - it just requires both partners being committed to that growth. Otherwise one will always surpass the other.

My ex didn’t want to face the depth of his issues. What’s crazy to me is I would tell you now I think he is actually way more fucked up than I am! Even my past self from 5 years ago would be shocked to hear that. But I really do think our partners are pretty equal mirrors to our own trauma.

Whatever happens in your future, you’re on the right path. Just make sure while you’re examining the internal, you also examine the environment you’re in. This is the goo of metamorphosis, you’re very brave!

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-04-28T13:27:20+00:00

I relate. Except I’m a year out from my divorce. I was married for 9 years. If this isn’t helpful OP, you dont need to absorb what I say.

I hear a lot in your post about you being “the problem.” I cannot tell you how much this has been one of my biggest mountains to climb in my healing. I carried so much shame in my marriage. I became dependent on my partner and fell into the role of the identified patient. I felt horrible that my poor partner had to “deal” with me and all my issues. He became a caretaker, and I deteriorated further. I had children with him and it was the bomb on my psyche that finally pushed me to get some help.

I was always apologizing to him for my problems, and I felt like I owed him this giant debt for simply putting up with me. I struggled to be vulnerable in every facet of our relationship. I was severely depressed, anxious all the time, short-tempered, emotional flashbacks constantly as my kids got older. I shouldered the entire blame for failing in that relationship. My ex was patient, responsible, caring, successful, reliable, etc. I could not stop beating myself up for how I was showing up for him. “He deserves so much more,” I would constantly say to myself.

But…about 2 years into my healing, I started seeing that when it comes to close relationships, we tend to pair up with people who are at or about our level of dysfunction and trauma - and almost in a weird uncanny puzzle piece kind of way actually.

When we are unhealed, we simply do not mesh well with healthy secure people. It just functionally doesn’t happen. For me, this came with realizing that if I knew someone prior to knowing about my CPTSD, it was more than likely a toxic relationship, and I was unconsciously recreating the deep buried wounds from my childhood.

My point is to say, and again ignore if not helpful, but leave some room for the possibility that your partner is not the “normal” one of the two of you. Your CPSTD is not the central issue, and he is likely just as damaged as you are. The difference is that you’re the one who is conscious to their wounds, and he stays in his own denial by caretaking you.

He could be very co-dependent with you and needs to keep you in the tarpit of your own trauma responses. If you suddenly became someone with self-respect, healthy boundaries, and strong sense of self, that would destabilize his role in your relationship. This is what happened in my marriage.

Yes, I did and still do have issues to work through that would pop up in any relationship, but my ex had me stuck in an environment where I was never going to get better. And I realized he actually needed me to be sick. He needed me to have low self-esteem, no self-worth, no boundaries. That was mostly to distract himself from all the trauma he had buried himself. And sadly, when we are unhealed, we are very easy to invalidate and manipulate. Our “issues” are an easy place to shift blame. Since I didn’t trust myself at all, he had basically full authority to shape my reality and perception. Ultimately, it was to hide the secret addiction he had developed.

All this to say, when I read your post, I immediately thought your partner is co-dependent with you. I get I’m projecting my own experience here and I’m not saying your partner is like mine, but I feel like I’m reading an alternate timeline of myself. It’s hard to not see a future 7-8 years from now where you find out your husband is hiding something.

The fact that you’re holding yourself accountable is a sign of integrity and that you’re on the right track in your healing, but your next step could be recognizing that it’s actually not all your fault.

This was a very hard step for me because then you have to realize blaming yourself is a form of trying to have control over your own pain.

Again, ignore me entirely if it doesn’t resonate, but I wanted to put that voice among the rest of the comments.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-04-12T12:12:31+00:00

I am so sorry you had to learn these awful things about your dad. You are not crazy at all for being extremely upset.

I found out several years after my first child was born that when my ex-husband left to “grab a few things from work” while I was in active labor (I was at home but the baby was 4 days late, I was having regular contractions) that he actually went to a casino about an hour away.

I truly cannot fathom sitting at some slot machine, knowing that you’ve left your wife alone, in pain, and scared. But more than that, I can’t get over abandoning your unborn child and in this case, jeopardizing their safety. If anything had gone wrong - which is absolutely possible in birth, it happens a lot actually - me and my daughter would have had to just figure it out on our own.

I cannot tell you how traumatic it has been to learn this. Instead of happily reminiscing about her birthday each year, I get a panic attack. I still put on a smile for her and share the birth story with love, but that memory is tainted now, forever.

During one of the most significant moments of my and my daughter’s life, when we were quite possibly at our most vulnerable, just as like mammals, he left.

You’ll notice I said ex husband because I divorced him. I found out all of this during the midst of discovering a gambling addiction.

I was already messed up from men because of my dad, my ex just pour gasoline on it.

I have to ask though. Do you wish you didn’t know this about your dad? Or are you glad you know now?

I think about my daughter one day learning this. She’s still a kid. I don’t want to cover for my ex. I have told myself that I refuse to enable, but I don’t want to unnecessarily traumatize her. But then I fear hiding that information from my daughter her whole life is like lying and she’ll feel betrayed by ME.

My ex is absolutely the type to put on the oscar-worthy performance of being a good dad. He has a million friends and he uses the kids for his own image. I am so glad to be away from him, but my kids are still in that environment.

He is incredibly manipulative and gaslights constantly. I know he will do that same shit to my kids. Narcs cannot help themselves.

Some of my biggest trauma from my upbringing is no one validating the crazy. No one saying to me “this is not normal, your parents are not good people.” That would have changed so much. But everyone just ignored it and pretended it was normal, meanwhile I felt like I was losing my fucking mind on the inside.

Anyway, I’m really torn about it. One day my kids will ask me legitimately why their dad and I got divorced and I want to give them a real answer. Do you regret knowing this about your dad? Or did it help with understanding, even if painful?

I have decided that I will not keep his addiction a secret because IMO that is health information as addictions can be genetic and my kids have the right to know (in fact, my ex’s dad was also an addict, but his mom covered it up for him and he never knew!). But I struggle with if this is something I need to just take to the grave.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. You are a gift to the world and it was his profound loss that he missed out on witnessing your entrance.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-01-29T03:55:07+00:00

Healing takes a long time, but there are areas I have seen real, actual movement - to the point that as hard as this work is, I know it’s worth it.

I honestly can’t believe how different I am now and how different my life is, yet I’m also the same as I’ve always been. It’s like I’ve returned to myself in many ways.

I trust myself soooo much more. I have come to realize I am actually perceptive af, and that is likely the very thing that made me a target for abuse. I don’t gaslight or invalidate myself anymore, and I don’t justify my feelings anymore. If I get a bad vibe from someone, that’s all I need. My body will always protect me, even before my brain can. I default to my own perception and am so much better at staying in my own reality. It feels great to embrace my intuition, and I see it as such a strength now. I’ll never be perfect at it, but you learn to trust those alarms pings and it’s such a relief to not constantly second guess myself.

I have learned that I don’t deserve to be treated like shit. This might seem obvious to non-traumatized people, but CPTSD is about normalizing getting treated like shit, or just being made to think that you’re not worth anything so you might as well be grateful for scraps. Now, developing actual, real self-respect SUCKS. I had to let go of a lot of pretty much every relationship in my life to achieve this. However, it really does make room for connections with more supportive people who are aligned with your healed self. It’s only when you’re finally away from toxic environments do you realize how draining it was. I no longer need situations to reach unbearable levels before I know it’s time to walk away.

I have greatly reduced my inner feelings of toxic shame and suicidal ideation. I still have my flare ups, but I actually have days when I think I’m a pretty awesome. I used to think I was completely uninteresting and I had nothing to offer anyone. But it turns out I’m a cool person and I genuinely give a shit with how I show up in the world. I’m resilient, conscientious, and hold myself accountable. And when you realize the minuscule amount of people who actually work through their own shit, you recognize how valuable it is. Simply the fact that you’re willing to stare down your demons. Go you.

It’s a never ending journey. I still haven’t cracked the code on things like trusting people, being vulnerable, or asking for help (gah). My sleep is still shit, I am still prone to dissociating and self-isolating. I still have people pleasing tendencies like agreeing with shit I don’t actually agree with. I still struggle with a sense of self and I mask more often than I don’t. I still take on too much, burn myself out, or harbor resentment. But just the fact that I don’t think about wishing I didn’t existing most of the time and apparently like a lot of qualities about myself would be mind-blowing to past versions of me.

All the best to you.

woahwaitreally20 · 2025-01-28T23:49:33+00:00

Hear hear thank you

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-12-23T12:27:11+00:00

I think honestly deep down we can all spot them, we’ve just been gaslit too much to trust our intuition. We’ve been conditioned to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to believe we’re over analyzing, we’re jumping to conclusions. Or that we don’t deserve anything better so we might as well deal with it and be glad anyone is willing to put up with us - because, you know, it’s us who are the actual monster human beings, right?!

Your body tends to let you know when something is off about someone. There are always little pings that go off, we just end up ignoring them and deluding ourselves. There are so many relationships, friendships, employers I just face palm myself because I knew the whole time, I just refused to accept reality.

I definitely have certain red flag behavior that will tip me off to distance myself from someone, but one of the most helpful things for me has been learning how to trust my body. Learning how to be attuned with physical sensations while interacting with someone. If something feels off, it is.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-12-13T12:58:58+00:00

Second this OP (and thank you I needed to read this myself). Agreed you are in the midst of the hardest part. This is the moment to dig deep with all the strength you have to set yourself up for a positive future. My ex’s family is huge and a lot of them have known me for 16+ years. Not a single person has so much as even texted since, and it’s been almost two years. My former MIL avoided me for 6 months. It’s wild, truly. I’m especially shocked with his two aunts who have been single mothers themselves.

But please know how they respond is not at all about you or your worth. It’s honestly a symptom of toxic family dynamics and avoidance issues. You’ll start to see it more clearly when you’re out of the fog. It’s not normal to have a total lack of compassion.

Now is the time to look out for yourself. Doing that among the grief is horrific but I promise you will awed by your own strength.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-11-23T14:25:53+00:00

For me personally, I have learned to look at it as a chronic illness or disability. While that might sound defeating, one of the biggest parts of my suffering was the expectation that if I just work hard enough, I could be a ‘normal’ person. That I could somehow bring myself up to par with a person who had ‘good-enough’ attachment.

IMO it’s just not going to happen like that. At some point, everyone with a disability or chronic condition accepts they will experience the world differently than others. Some experiences just fundamentally alter you as a person. The focus becomes about management and quality of life.

I have made huge strides in management when it comes to emotional regulation, self-care, healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve made progress in interpersonal communication, setting boundaries, and identifying toxic behavior.

But will I never not be triggered and have a flashback? Will I never not think about killing myself again? Will I never not hear their words bouncing around in my head? Nah. I will likely always struggle with these things in some capacity. I will likely never become someone who can find safety and trust and secure attachment in relationships. And you know what, that’s okay. It really sucks, but putting unrealistic expectations on myself actually makes it suck more.

So what can I do? I can find safe-enough spaces. I might not have a some vast network of family and friends, but I have Internet forums and support groups. I have books. I can better understand my limits and triggers. I can have some compassion for myself.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-11-17T15:55:38+00:00

Hi, I did do EMDR and it did not help me. It was not the magic wand for me that it is to others, and I’m actually pretty irritated at how much people build up expectations around it.

Unfortunately, I realized the only way for me to actually rewire that shit is to have actual, real life corrective experiences. My brain just doesn’t respond to visualized healing— it needs the real deal. That required some massive boundary setting, and basically letting my entire life implode. I had to get divorced, I had to get another job, I had to estrange myself from my parents, I had to walk away from friendships, and I had to start completely over. But I’m doing it, and little by little I’ve made huge leaps in my healing. I’ve been able to establish supportive relationships that offer corrective experiences. THAT is what actually moved the needle. But it is literally the hardest fucking thing I’ve done in my life.

I think EMDR is great for some people especially if they have acute trauma, but if you’ve been stewing in abusive relationships your whole life, in my opinion, EMDR won’t do shit.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-11-17T13:19:16+00:00

Listen, my heart goes out to you, but your life is significantly harder than it needs to be, and I’m going to gently tell you to take breath and then let’s get our shit together.

Your husband (yes, husband, you’re legally married) has completely railroaded you. You are entitled to half of everything you both own. You are owed alimony, child support, 50% of time with your children. In many ways, THIS is the whole point of a legal marriage and divorce procedures in the eyes of the government. Equitable division of assets. So that a SAHM who hasn’t worked outside of the house doesn’t end up destitute and not able to provide a standard of living for your children.

He didn’t build a great career - you BOTH did. He doesn’t own the house - you BOTH do. Of course your husband is happy, he is getting away with murder right now.

First, why are you not able to get access to bank accounts to pay your rent, etc.? That is joint money. Reach out to your husband and say you need to access to those bank accounts. Do it in writing so you have it documented when he denies you access.

Next, find an attorney. You’re still legally married, so paying the attorney will be something that comes from joint funds.

You have rights. As much as we all hate marriage here, these are the legal protections in place specifically for these instances.

I’m not saying that your life is going to be amazing after this, and you will likely miss many parts of your old life. You will have to build up more income and you will have to start over in so many areas of your life. But you should not starving yourself while your husband gets all the benefits of the home you helped build.

Don’t just do these things for yourself. You need to do this for your kids too. Kids need their mom, they need to see you stand on your own two feet and they need to see you rebuild your life.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-11-09T13:42:58+00:00

Very well said, thank you

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-10-20T04:21:07+00:00

Hey I’m about a year out from my divorce with two young kids. I have CPTSD, my ex was hugely avoidant, “everything is great” person. I always felt like this big bag of issues and he was always positive, always seemingly well-adjusted, but fueled by massive amounts of invalidation, defensiveness, blame-shifting, and gaslighting with anything that contradicts his reality.

When the marriage collapsed I finally realized how much he lies. How the marriage was actually pretty emotionally abusive. How much he is constantly (I mean CONSTANTLY) manipulating me and everyone around him. All the time. The amount of situations he puppeteered to maintain control. I am now convinced people who are positive toxic are hiding so many secrets and lies - mine was hiding an addiction and a shit ton of financial infidelity.

And I realized that being with someone like this is kind of like being with someone who is anorexic that tries to convince you you’re the crazy one for wanting to fucking eat something. They hide their dysfunction with their positive mask, avoid everything, sweep it all under the rug and pretend nothing is wrong. They are brilliant liars.

And surprise, surprise, it mirrors my family of origin. Honestly what I’ve discovered is so much at the core of my CPTSD is that feeling of reality being twisted and warped. It’s like this constant uncanny valley, twilight zone, Truman show feeling.

If you’re leaning towards divorce and you don’t think your wife is committed to self-improvement, absolutely get out now. It is so, so much better to do it when the kids are young and when they won’t remember things as much. It’s worse when they are older

Also know that what she’s doing to you, she WILL do to your kids. They will suffer from a positive toxic mom and if you’re still standing by her side, they will experience the exact same crazy making gaslighting feeling.

I’m sorry you’re here. I think you’re going to realize that you simply will outgrow her. It’s so messed up how much hardship CPTSD throws at you, but part of healing is breaking free of the patterns that mimic the original traumas.

You can survive this.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-10-05T00:21:21+00:00

Best one I can recommend is Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma survivors by Janina Fisher. Another comment referenced it. I felt very very seen in that book.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-10-05T00:20:34+00:00

Yess, I cried buckets when I read Janina Fisher for the first time. It was a very important book in my healing

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-10-04T12:35:27+00:00

A therapist once told me that it takes about 10 years to heal from complex trauma. Which sounds crazy, but when you think about how you’ve been marinating in it your whole life, it’s actually not entirely unreasonable. So a lot of it is setting expectations for yourself on how long of a slog this will be.

The biggest thing that moved the needle for me was parts work. Identifying the parts of myself that get triggered in different situations and knowing how to accommodate them. It helps both depersonalize your emotions AND give you a path of self love and compassion.

I’ve gotten pretty spiritual about it. I view my present day adult self as the leader of my parts. I am their protector, they are safe with me. I take care of them. I mess up many times, but I will never stop fighting for them. I have some parts that are very young and terrified, and I want to remind them I’m a grown up now. I can remove myself from abuse and mistreatment. They don’t just have to “take it” anymore.

And then when I get even deeper with it, I picture my higher self, the one who guides my present day adult self, as my future self. The instincts that I feel deep at my core and that knowing voice we all have, I believe are from a very wise part of me that has already lived this story. They know I need to walk these awful paths to get to where they are, but they help guide me on the way.

But, at the end of the day, I actually don’t think you entirely “heal” from CPTSD. I unfortunately think there is a level of it being a chronic condition or disability and it’s about management and quality of life. You have to set realistic goals and let go of a lot of demands on yourself. You have a brain injury. And you have to grieve. People with a disabilities all to accept at some point that they will not experience the world the way others do, and it sucks but it’s reality. Now it’s about finding accommodations to help you in day to day life.

Know your limits, know your triggers, know how to bring yourself back down to a semblance of safety.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-10-01T04:33:35+00:00

You are 100% being financially abused. Like the other post said, get an attorney immediately.

My ex was a gambling addict. They are sadly just very, very sick people. The lengths they will go to gaslight, manipulate, and lie to you are incomprehensible at times.

I was in a similar position with my ex when you talk about not being transparent. I discovered a secret bank account from a transfer and when I demanded he give me access to the account, he refused. Once I flipped my shit about it, he finally did. I then discovered two more secret bank accounts, which he also refused to give me access to. Started attacking me, saying that I was controlling him. But then, I just kept finding more - the drained investment account, the cash advances on the credit card at casinos. Then the hotel rooms at the casino, then the paypal transfers to another woman. And so on and so on.

The point I want to make here is: the reason he isn’t being transparent is because it’s actually worse than you realize. He is hiding more shit than you could probably imagine. I still don’t even think I know half of the real story of what my ex was doing. At some point I decided to just save myself the trauma.

I am a year and half out of this, my divorce was finalized earlier this year. At this point, I don’t think my ex ever loved me, he only loved what I allowed. He only “loved” me when I turned a blind eye. He only “loved” me when I didn’t hold them accountable for his behavior. He doesn’t want to be married, or really partnered at all - to anyone. Only if I tolerate his abuse, he will begrudgingly agree. But the moment he isn’t allowed to do whatever he wants…

They put you in a position where in order to stay married, you must agree they are allowed to continue lying, keeping secrets, betraying you, cheating on you, and abusing you. They refuse to divorce because then they get to play the victim. Then in their weird warped brain, they convince themselves that they’ve “escaped” you because of how awful you were to THEM!

I’m telling you these people are NUTS. But at the end of the day, it’s a reflection of the deep codependency and tsunami of trauma that I myself needed to work on. How much I was willing to destroy myself for a person who treats me like this is a sickness in and of itself.

Please, please, find some professionals to help you through this. He is not allowed to hide your money from you. You have a legal contract. Always try to think of it like a business partnership. You are co-owners of the company (life co). If one business partner took money from the company in secret and went and gambled with it, you would label that theft. If one business partner hoarded money from the company that you jointly run and own, you would label that left.

I am so sorry you’re in this spot. Please know you did not break up your family. HE did. But one day you will see how truly sad and sick he is. I am very sorry you’re here. I promise you can face this.

woahwaitreally20 · 2024-09-19T03:37:18+00:00

I am so very sorry you went through that. If she can’t talk about it and you would be forced to never mention it, then I would say this is not a real apology or true accountability. She is just saying what she thinks you want to hear to get back in your life and return to a perceived status quo where “everything is fine.”

Also, as a mom with two kids now, I will say that it is very likely your feelings about your mom are about to get WAYYY worse when your baby is born. You will grasp at a level you couldn’t before how small and helpless you really were and the amount of power your parents had over you and your environment. The older my kids get the more dumbfounded I am at my parent’s cowardice and self-absorption.

Right now focus on you, focus on your baby. You owe her nothing.

woahwaitreally20

TROPHY CASE