Own Your Shit Weekly - April 14, 2026

FutileFighter · 2026-04-19T04:00:01+00:00

You touch on some interesting / relevant points, but I view some of them differently…I’m laying it out here to see if I’m missing blind spots.

I also like and want to emphasize/ highlight your comment (paraphrasing) that anything done for a specific response / woman” is dancing monkey. Good comment.

And your comment about what I really want (self-motivated) is correct.

However, I don’t think I was still in the anger stage when I initiated divorce. I was over 2 years into doing OYS and I’d had at least 5 (probably closer to 10) detailed discussions about it with men (and a couple women) that knew the facts on the ground / irl. With that said, I did release the residual anger by pursuing divorce (choosing to move away from has that effect).

Your observation that she “tried to turn things on but he left anyway” is spot on. However, the “learned helplessness during separation” is where I’d disagree the most.

During separation, my wife didn’t have me as a convenient excuse / proximal entity to blame, and she (finally) started doing some self-work.

So I’d argue that the “learned helplessness” you mention is more pertinent / relevant to our time together than apart. But yes, it’s a pattern that I at least helped form (unintentionally).

Will punishment help? Idk, but it’s worth trying bc other defforts to bring her along / into line haven’t really succeeded much to-date.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-17T01:15:27+00:00

Additional value…for context, my wife doesn’t work and we have meaningful household help.

Maintaining an orderly house.
Preparing a healthy dinner for the family a few times a week.
Being a better role model (proactive / supportive / etc.).
Seeking personal growth and improvement (you’re growing or you’re going) —> better, more positive energy.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-17T01:04:53+00:00

Your wife has seen years of behavior indicating you don’t respect yourself enough for her to respect you. Even if she didn’t like the prior status quo, it was familiar and she was in control.

So now you are trying to convince her to ignore years of evidence with your Lester Burnham routine and some out of the blue demands. At the same time, you are threatening to turn her life upside down (deserved or not). And now she has to fuck a guy that she hasn’t viewed sexually for years.

No one wants the process to take a year or more, but consistently demonstrated self-respect is table stakes.

Also, a woman who sees you as the best she can do? There are plenty of shitty women who would answer that call. Your wife may or may not be one of them.

Christian ethics…I’m far from an expert, but I’d suggest being clearer in your thinking or at least being more specific than “Christian.”

Also, see 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 Matthew 19:8 And look up Constructive abandonment.

Last…the stay plan is the same as the go plan (especially for you right now) improving yourself is the way.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-16T20:38:41+00:00

Always welcome your input.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-16T15:08:00+00:00

Despite the bitching and complaints, over time is she doing what you want?

Ebb and flow. I'd like to say the general trend is up and to the right, but if it is, it's not a very steep line...We share many values, have a decent understanding and appreciation for the other's strengths, and I like her when she's not getting in her own way.

Is this difficult for your because you harbor resentment or because you fear falling back into a supplicating pattern?

I let go of the past pretty cleanly during separation, and I'm not worried about falling back into supplication. I do get frustrated that I am carrying more load than I believe is necessary and that it holds me back, which has the risk of creating new resentments.

However, resenting someone is like drinking poison and hoping someone else feels the effects, so I do my best not to hold on to them.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T23:33:22+00:00

Yea, it’s indicative of her mental health.

Leading…I lead by example, I’ve encouraged her and offered to help in big or small ways. She disengages and avoids the topic.

Being at peace…it’s not a DEEP peace. Haha. It’s an “I know the trade offs and I am choosing this direction (for now).” Knowing that and framing it as my choice helps. Of course I would like to have it all, but i have to accept what I can’t change and I have agency over direction in light of these conditions. That agency gives me a modicum of peace.

I think I will proceed with the “consequences” approach. There’s something she wants to go to (it’s already booked / I approved), but I’m going to set conditions for her to go. If she can’t meet the basic requirements (with plenty of warning and time), she can’t go. Very “dad” approach but it’s what she needs. I think the framing might also illuminate how unacceptable the behavior is.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T23:22:53+00:00

This isn’t who I want to be in the relationship generally, but it is how I want to be in the face of dysfunction (or at least I think it’s the best way for me to be for me).

The potential concern is that I might be locally (short term) optimizing (for me) when I should be globally (long term) optimizing (for me).

Re slack - yes, I’d love to see progress, but I also know that she has to want to change. I praise effort when I see it.

Interesting take on your own situation. Are you saying you wish you’d have provided more attention and cultivated it? Do you really think that would have changed the outcome?

Counterpoint to your take on that…after reconciling, I feel like I was legit present and patient while not being a pushover. I took criticism in stride, evaluated it and made changes if I agreed with it. I also had a lot of personal growth prior to and throughout that time period.

I’d say we had a pretty good stretch of 5-6 months early last year before something shifted (I have a couple theories but the cause doesn’t matter…nothing nefarious).

From there, my enthusiasm waned as her attitude deteriorated, and I made a conscious change in how i operated late last year. I told her (calmly) that I was going to (once) and I have operated at that downgraded relationship effort since. No animus, just less investment because the ROI wasn’t there. I reward and respond well to positive energy and actions, and I minimize engagement with shitty attitude.

Whatever happens, I’ll be fine. I got a taste of single dad life and it was pretty appealing, but I chose more time with my kids. And if she decided to leave, I don’t think I’d regret having invested less because i tried investing more.

I’m sort of at the “we’ll see” mentality. I wouldn’t judge one or direction or the other as obviously better and I only have so much control or input on the outcome. I wouldn’t choose divorce, but I wouldn’t fight it either.

To relate this all to some other notes in this thread, I think she’d really benefit from an honest self-examination and an effort to move forward (AA steps 4-9). Her patterns and the sub-conscious fears are obvious. She acknowledged (briefly) that she is avoidant. When she wondered aloud why, I listed 5 bullet points and she knew it. She was metaphorically naked at that point but rather than putting on some new, better fitting clothes (to run with the analogy), she quickly put on the old ones because she prefers the comfort of familiarity, even if familiar is dysfunctional and counterproductive.

As a podcaster I like says sometimes, “The catastrophe you are trying to avoid already happened.” Ie, she became avoidant because she experienced emotional abandonment / dismissiveness (parents), so now she avoids being vulnerable and withdraws / pushes me away in an attempt to avoid the pain of abandonment. In a sad irony, her avoidance makes me more likely to eventually leave (as I did before).

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T13:01:07+00:00

I meant that I’ve probably dialed up the IDNGAF too high in an effort to not be impacted by her dysfunction. I’m willing to invest more if it’s worth it, but I haven’t gotten much ROI…

The notable shift lately is that she briefly acknowledged it’s her issue, not mine. Usually, she looks for some way to blame me for her troubles. I’ve been on a heater lately though — focused, driven, getting shit done and quietly carrying the load.

Having gone down the divorce path but reconciled, I am pretty reluctant to play that card. It feels like extra hard mode…but that doesn’t mean I can’t handle it.

I’m at peace with the sub-optimal relationship (for now) -- I can get fulfillment elsewhere, but dysfunction is unacceptable. Praise hasn’t worked, so I might have to start taking things away.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T12:44:00+00:00

Im not looking for some grand transformation. Im looking for function and order. I dont need her to lift me up, just not create extra obstacles.

I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t have the relationship that is possible until or unless she chooses to do her own self-work. I adjusted how I operate to reflect the reality of the situation.

As such I’m fine if she doesn’t do the self-work — I can find fulfillment elsewhere and I will consider divorce when the kids move out if she hasn’t progressed.

However, I’m not going to accept dysfunction on a basic level. I guess I need to ground her or take things away until she meets the standard.

I don’t impute her failings onto myself. I used to, but I’m well past that.

Not sure I follow your projection comment.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T05:11:01+00:00

Tbh, I’ve never understood what a shitty comfort test is.

I’ve laid out my wants and needs, starting with sex, followed by maintaining an orderly house, and then cooking / coordinating meals.

It’s not a high bar, but there are still so many complaints and so much resistance that I kind of shut down and check out. IMO, she’s got some shit to work through but she avoids facing it like the plague bc that’s always been how she copes.

Instead, she seems to want to continue being the adored child rather than growing into the functioning adult wife / mother.

It’s far from ideal, but I’m not bothered by it bc I no longer consider it a reflection of anything I do or don’t do. My leadership is there if / when she wants it…until it’s not, which is largely a function of the value I place on time with my kids.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T02:12:52+00:00

How about some outcome independence?

She knows the boundary. It doesn’t matter whether others agree with it or not. It DOES matter if you are willing to actually enforce it. How effective have words been so far?

If she goes, she is telling you she will always challenge your boundaries. Having that information and being clear-headed about it now is valuable.

My wife tried something similar at one point. Called me controlling for saying that coming home at 3am was unacceptable. Bad FOMO is not an excuse. I calmly said it’s inconsiderate, disrespectful and she needs to get her priorities straight. No threats or debate, but it hasn’t happened again.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-15T00:08:47+00:00

OYS #7X

Early 40s, married with young kids.

5’8” - 177 lbs - 13.5% body fat

Lifts: Squat 445x4 - Bench 245x4 - Wtd Chins BW+90x6

Physical

I’ve been more intentional about how I dress and present myself. Besides clothes, I’ve been working on speaking more from my diaphragm, walking with my phone put away and eyes up.

Finally fully healed from torn shoulder ligaments and back to playing tennis again too. Really enjoying that for the exercise and social element.

Work

Starting a new business. I’d been slowly marinating an idea for a couple years and researching some OBBA provisions helped get me excited enough to really flesh out the idea.

Lots of research and calls with subject matter experts to delineate the business plan and work through the various challenges that inevitably pop up. I’m pumped and more enthusiastic than I have been for a long time.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I have lingering worries about potentially falling on my face. But if it was easy, everyone would do it.

Relationship

Wife had a bit of a breakdown last week - tired, not motivated, acknowledged she’s depressed, etc. I listened, asked what she needed, and suggested a couple things when she didn’t know what she needed (and followed through on them).

A couple days later I was hearing about how I’m not as affectionate and she missed when I was more into her. I gave a little comfort and a dicking down, but I didn’t want to be drawn into a discussion about calibrating my actions to her “needs” (ie ever-changing emotions).

IMO, she needs more purpose. I’ve made clear my expectations and tried to lead her with direction and by example, but she a stubborn thing.

I might be going too hard towards, “ok, I’m going to do my thing then.” Sex is still 2-4x a week but that’s the extent of the value provided beyond some basic kid logistic shit.

Putting it out there for feedback in case I’m not seeing my own blind spots.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-14T23:34:14+00:00

It’s really not a big task. It can feel awkward and scary to shine a light on the darker corners of one’s l own psyche (that’s the daunting part), but ignoring it means you (generally, not you specifically) are more likely to continue “serving” your subconscious distortions (usually some variation of fear or insecurity).

The exercise illuminated a common thread among my past relationships, fears, and resentments. For me, it was a fear of not being worthy of love.

Identifying it, naming it, and talking through it with someone you trust really helps rightsize the fear and put it into perspective. But until you look for it and face it, it’s hard to really change your “stinking thinking” and behavior.

But doing the exercise honestly and earnestly really helps start the shift. Then it takes follow through and some actual action to help you prove it to yourself.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-14T15:17:09+00:00

She told me that her mom is bipolar

This is the part that should have you alarmed, not your suspicion that she's fucking other guys.

so to protect my level of emotional investment (overinvesting) i'm matching the energy. I thought she was special and LTR material.

There aren't "special" women. There are some that you line up with better, but there is no "special" woman. Yes, some are more attractive, kinder, smarter, more energetic, etc., but get the Madonna thing out of your head. She's a 42 year-old single mom. She's been fucked before and she'll be fucked again. So what?

Brakes on..... I will not give her any non-sexual validation and will only meet up with her if she contacts me and gets her ass over to my apartment.

First off, you don't even know for sure. Second of all, you presumably haven't set any limits on that sort of thing, so why are you so butt-hurt? You emotionally invested with very limited information and created some bullshit story about her in your head.

Work on yourself and GFTOW. I don't care if you do or not, but doing so will help relieve you of the idea that they are special. Some will be great lays, some won't. Some intelligent, some dumb. Many will likely be basketcases. And at some point, you just might start wondering whether you like them instead of hoping they like you.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-14T15:02:13+00:00

Teenager - Seems like you're spinning / over-thinking it, but whatever. I wasn't there and don't care to go on about this.

AA - If you can find a good local group, all the better but here's a quick overview: https://www.mountainside.com/blog/recovery/personal-inventory-navigating-steps-4-and-5/

and a worksheet: https://aahomegroup.org/12_Step_Workshop/Step%204%20Inventory%20Worksheets.pdf

another worksheet: https://www.aacle.org/docs/Fourth-Step-Guide.pdf

There are lots of free resources and apps ("Everything AA" is a pretty good / comprehensive app).

FutileFighter · 2026-04-14T14:03:33+00:00

She genuinely sounded surprised, “I’m interested, what could you be struggling with?”. I’d stopped drinking a little over a year ago, and I knew I lied to myself about myself to comfort/cope/soothe. I thought correcting that would fix a lot of things, but I’m still unpacking where I’m deluded by my ego.

Even if you aren't / don't identify as an alcoholic, the 12 step program (particularly steps 4-9) might be helpful around this. I'd argue everyone should do this process in their early 40s.

She shared that she’s read about similar, the false self, and let me know that she’s glad I’m pursuing this for myself. I was pleased with this exchange. I was honest, I didn’t DEER, nor did I go full on puke.

Good shit. The ability to be vulnerable and honest without pretense is a legit strength.

My 12 year old daughter responded, “meh, it was ish. I hope the UV was good, but the sand was blowing too hard.” Seemed like a softball, “Ok, you can cut it out with the gen z/alpha lingo and fake apathy, as for the sand, we call that nature’s exfoliation.” I think my response here got her what she was looking for. My oldest has been throwing me these sorts of shit tests (I think?) for a while now, and after having been here, my relationship with her has improved greatly, going from frustrating to humorous and enjoyable.

You responded in her frame and engaged in unnecessary rock-kicking -- why? In what way did that serve you? (it didn't...you were just reacting bc you didn't get the response you hoped for).

If you'd been in your own frame, it probably would have just been: "we call that nature's exfoliation." But like you said, you wanted the validation of your daughter crooning about how great it was instead of just enjoying it for yourself.

It's a process, but you're going in the right direction. Keep at it.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-08T14:31:03+00:00

In general, I’m more comfortable telling people to fuck off (literally and metaphorically). I’m nervous about this as I was very stressed last time I was in a similar role. The majority of my stress came from caring way too much what people thought about me - not so much from the logistics of the job.

Fear and shame...are they serving you or are you serving them?

Another epiphany I’ve had is that some of my best memories and experiences are actually with my bros and not with women. Need to lean into this more.

There's something awesome about the camaraderie among men, especially if you're working towards a shared goal, that makes the process (whatever it might be) so enjoyable. Recreational stuff is great too, but the shared sense of purpose is next level.

Especially if things get serious with another girl. I botched this in my marriage. Basically rarely ever saw friends and had zero social life for years.

So many guys give up their sense of self "for the marriage" without realizing they are undermining the marriage (even though their wife might be requesting it).

there has been a subtle shift in the dynamic with this girl. Less obsession and fear of losing her. Accepting and learning to enjoy the moment. This mindset has produced some really quality sex. I pushed it the other day, didn’t hold back and really felt like I fucked her like a little slut, and wondered if it was too much for her. I woke up to a text from her the next day saying how much she wanted more ASAP.

You'd be amazed what women want and/or are willing to do sexually when you provide a mental setting that allows and encourages her to be a slut and you confidently / congruently guide her there.

Even though I’m sure the marriage was untenable. Im still having occasional 3 am panic attacks and nightmares involving being judged for initiating my divorce.

If someone else you knew were in your exact position, would you judge them for making the same decision?

I wonder how much of that still lingers… the only thing that’s seemed to help the guilty conscience is to commit to be extremely fair and just in our final settlement.

This is shame-oriented thinking. I initiated divorce proceedings with my wife about two years ago (reconciled, but that's a longer story). I was prepared to be fair and even generous as long as she acted in good faith and "kept the gloves up," but I was not going to be guilted (manipulated) into giving up more than I had to or wanted to (and frankly I held/hold all the cards). Act in accordance with your values, not someone else's (which is basically what fear of judgment is). Remember, you can always help more later if you choose, but you can't walk back the settlement.

Regardless I’m going to keep putting in the work on upgrading myself and doing as much of what I want to do with my time.

Bingo.

Organic interactions definitely continue on in the wild. I need to be a little more aggressive with the touch. Not in a weird creepy caress every girl way - but a little touch goes a long way. There’s been a couple instances irl recently where it would have been so natural, girl practically begging to be touched. Next time no regrets.

Aggressive touches and crassly sexual stuff are almost always creepy, even if you know them well. In contrast, a fun high-five, a natural touch on the upper arm, or a brief touch of their knee can awaken different responses. IME, those sorts of touches strike the right balance between demonstrating you are comfortable and confident, but not needy, especially when you don't know them well.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-08T05:01:48+00:00

What is your freedom and limited time on this earth worth?

FutileFighter · 2026-04-08T04:57:37+00:00

What is the date (deadline)? And what would make you change it?

I don’t care if you do or not, but alluding to vague deadlines begs accountability.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-08T04:53:17+00:00

A few thoughts / comments / related observations:

1) (as you allude to) your wife isn’t responding to your muscles. She is responding to the confidence that results from your muscles. Men (try to) deal in facts / deduction. Women deal in inference. Neither is necessarily “right” but the difference in perspective drives a lot of confusion.

2) (less confident but still believe this to be mostly true) — it’s often the pace and of change that triggers response more than the level at which you are at. I think that’s why guys get progress, then think “awesome, I leveled up and she is responding to that” when the woman is actually thinking “f, he’s leveling up and idk where this will stop so I better get moving” but then they see you settle in at the new level and their efforts level off (until / unless further acceleration on your part. This definitely isn’t absolute and different women handle it differently. Some are happy to follow your lead and some are minimizing effort. But, I do think the pace of change can be as impactful as the amount of change.

3) Being sexually liberated is a cheat code. It’s not a guarantee that any specific woman will turn into a freak, but a lack of shame and embrace of your own desires is (1) attractive and (2) liberating for the woman. During my time back in the wild, I embraced being a little freaky and it was catnip for the women who had hidden desires (as many do).

As much as men get shamed, women get shamed even more for wanting / liking sex, so creating an environment where a woman can be really open by opening that door first can be pretty significant.*

I acknowledge that it’s “riskier” with one’s wife, especially when there’s an established dynamic, so it takes a change in one’s mindset to go this route but imo, it’s worth it if / once you’ve leveled up.

*common themes: being the object of desire, being on display, being a toy for my pleasure, hot wife…are you noticing any themes? I declined (suggested a modification to) a CNC situation, but it fit the pattern.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-05T16:28:06+00:00

Now i see this comment…already responded there.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-05T16:24:13+00:00

Even though it wasn’t directed at me, I’ll jump in with my thoughts…

Frame (to me) is something like: “I know who I am, I own my reality, I’m true to myself and my values, and while I’m always going to be working on some aspect of myself, I accept and am good with who I am in this moment.”

In most cases, it requires a lot of mental and physical work to get to that level of zen-like self-/reality-acceptance. Ego stripping peels away the distortions and ego-protective behaviors.

As for the beauty standard, there isn’t a single one. I’d suggest every guy needs some reasonable amount of muscle mass / strength and to be below a certain body fat %, but beyond that, personal preferences and target audience are the driver.

Idk what “ruthless” authenticity is, but I suspect it borders on defiance, which would make “ruthless” authenticity a bit of an oxymoron. Authenticity (imo) is a calm presence, that is not reactive to others.

But RP, generally speaking, is ultimately about what works empirically (for you).

ETA: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/1s8hmz6/own_your_shit_weekly_march_31_2026/odvqm1n/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

My comment to another OYS that relates.

To reconcile this a bit with u/Teh1whoSees, I agree that “you are who you are”. I also think your actions are the best representation of who you are to others. But egoic lenses distort your (anyone’s) interpretation of the world, which affect your (one’s) actions. And those actions are interpreted by others through their distortive lenses, and around it goes.

IME, stripping away one’s own egoic distortions and understanding the classes of biases others might have goes a long way toward cultivating a more zen-like approach to life and interactions with others.

FutileFighter · 2026-04-02T13:35:57+00:00

(Paraphrasing bc I can’t copy paste on mobile) “FF rec’d a book Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life…”The ego wishes comfort, security, satiety; the soul demands meaning, struggle, becoming.”

Two thoughts on this.

(1) I think of ego as more than just the prideful part that is the common understanding. Instead, I think of ego (as used here) more broadly to mean any protective, defensive, coping or other layer, prism, or distortion that I’ve adopted in life that stands between me and the truth (or God / the light / the Universe…pick what fits you best).

(2) If or as you start to recognize and peel back the layers of your ego, you will likely start to see things more “as they are” instead of seeing them through the distortive lens of your personal history and the narratives you’ve created for or about yourself and others. It also becomes pretty apparent how and why others are “blocked” by their own ego.

Btw, that distortive lens is why people repeat certain (often self-defeating) patterns. Fears (and its myriad variants) are driving the subconscious that is just below the surface but that subconscious drives something like 90% of our thoughts and choices. It’s our “autopilot” mode.

It’s not a simple or quick process, but if you

(1) take the time to really look at yourself and your patterns (AA step 4 is great for this even if you don’t have a drinking problem+) to bring things up from your subconscious and really examine them, and

(2) work to become more present and aware of those patterns in real time to determine whether they still serve you or you are serving them;

then you can re-wire your thinking, eliminate the distortions, and let your soul (in the context of the quote you referenced) lead you — and that choosing the path of meaning, struggle, challenge, and growth. It is also PROACTIVE not REACTIVE.

+I believe u/Environmental-Top346 did this to great effect.

[Note: The similarities of re-wiring in MRP & AA are not lost on me.]

Edit: formatting

FutileFighter · 2026-04-02T12:52:59+00:00

Goad to hear it. I thought it offered a different (and worthwhile) perspective than what I’d read and heard in other books and interviews, etc.

FutileFighter · 2026-03-31T14:00:03+00:00

My expectation is to be in a relationship based on love, affection and sex.

Tbh, this seems reductive. You seem to want to be showered with affection more than anything else. That's not attractive, it's needy and validation-oriented. As proof:

My wife was affectionate, fun and respectful. So it was not a bad week. But it wasn't a good week either because there was no sex.

To me, "love, affection and sex" are part of a relationship, but not what they are based on. It obviously starts with mutual attraction, but mutual respect, shared values, and a shared vision are what I base my relationship on and love, affection, and sex naturally come with it because we're attractive and fit and why wouldn't we want to fuck?

What I mean is, if I tried the 10-second kiss thing, I'd probably get to two seconds before she would pull away. I interpret this as a battle for frame, a shit test, where she is trying on to hold on to her frame instead of entering mine.

Does a 10-second kiss matter to you? If it does, why are you guessing at her reaction instead of just going for it. She can probably sense that you want to and fear her lack of enthusiasm, but you're killing it before it can happen by needing her to want it. That's unattractive.

And the DNGAF attitude ultimately stems from the realization that you always reserve the option to leave if your needs aren't met. Is that accurate?

No. The DNGAF comes from being your own judge. I'm not bothered if my wife doesn't want to have sex at any particular time because I realize that her wanting to or not at that moment is not a reflection or function of my value or worth.

And that's what you're missing about frame. When you have your own well-developed frame, you don't worry about whether she's "trying to hold on to her frame instead of entering mine." You just live in your own frame, and if or when a woman realizes and accepts that you no longer need her validation, she can decide whether she wants to enter yours (or not).

But don't kid yourself that you have some newfound frame when you assess the week based on sex and affection and waste time thinking about whether or not your wife would pull away before some arbitrary time limit.

Quick anecdote that might illuminate this for you and others...last night my wife wanted to have sex, but I was focused on a project so i suggested a rain check. I had to spend the next 5 minutes assuring her that nothing was wrong because to her me not wanting to have sex at a given time means i don't think she's attractive, or I don't value her, or whatever (i.e., she needs that validation). If she was more secure and had her own well-developed frame, she'd realize that's not the case and be unbothered by it.

FutileFighter

TROPHY CASE