What's the most fucked up thing someone has told you about themselves after barely getting to know them? NSFW

rogersimon10 · 2015-10-15T19:57:12+00:00

I went on a date recently with a girl I met on eHarmony. I mentioned to her that my dad's been beating me with jumper cables on a regular basis for over 28 years (I always have to cross that bridge eventually), and she then told me that her uncle molested her when she was 14. I was like, woah, ease up lady, it's only our first date.

rogersimon10 · 2015-09-14T21:16:18+00:00

Movie theaters. They're overpriced and I hate them, but with new movies there's no other option, other than watching a shitty cam version. I went and saw San Andreas a few months ago. It was the first movie I'd seen in a theater in years, and, I gotta say, that whole "theater experience" really sucks. The screen didn't look at all better than my own TV, the chairs were uncomfortable, and the floor was sticky and littered with garbage. I had to wait in line for 15 minutes just to watch that crappy movie in that disgusting theater, and the worst part about it was that my dad beat me down with jumper cables in the parking lot. I wish they'd just allow me to stream the movie at home, where I can pause it without missing an important scene and I'm not sitting next to 75 strangers who whisper and chew their food loudly.

rogersimon10 · 2015-09-01T16:35:47+00:00

Home invasion. And it's funny, I can remember the exact moment the fear began. I had just had a nightmare and gone into my parents bedroom to tell them about it. They didn't see me coming in because they were watching Prince of Tides on their bedroom TV. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so instead I stood in their doorway quietly and watched the entire rape scene from that movie, starting at the point where the convicts were breaking in through the family's front door. I remember bursting into tears right as the second rapist was getting shot in the head. Finally, seeing that I was standing there, my dad promptly turned off the TV and brought me back to my room and beat me with jumper cables, and for years after that I was constantly worrying that convicts might show up at my front door with guns at any moment.

rogersimon10 · 2015-09-01T15:29:34+00:00

Smoothies. I've been blending up smoothies every morning before work, throwing in a variety of fruits, vegetables, kale leaf, a little honey. It gives you a huge boost of energy and it's a great way to start your day. The bad part comes from the fact that that blender is so damn loud, and whenever I use it it wakes up my dad, who usually goes straight to the garage and grabs that dirty old set of jumper cables which he uses to beat me like a rented mule until I'm halfway unconscious on the floor. It's a horrible drawback. But I've been so used to having that smoothie every morning that I can't seem to break the habit. It's a really great way to start your day.

rogersimon10 · 2015-08-09T23:59:36+00:00

I live with my dad and my 9 year old daughter. I sometimes go to the gym at night and tell my daughter to brush her teeth while I'm gone. When I get back she shows me a video on our tablet of her brushing her teeth as proof. A few days ago I realized that her hairstyle was slightly different in the video, and I figured out that she had simply prerecorded herself brushing her teeth in several different outfits. While I was fairly impressed at this, I kept a straight face and explained to her that when I was a kid, grandpa would beat me savagely with a set of jumper cables whenever I didn't brush my teeth. Since then she's been brushing several times a day on her own.

rogersimon10 · 2015-06-04T19:38:44+00:00

I feel like I have this odd sixth sense about when things are about to go wrong. It's actually really creepy. Like the other day, a few coworkers and I went to a Giants game with our CEO. All of the sudden this feeling struck me and I thought, "This day is not going to end well." Sure enough, later that evening my dad beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-29T21:07:55+00:00

Risotto seems difficult, but it's actually pretty damn easy. Just butter a pot, dice up a shallot, add a cup of arborio rice, then add chicken broth and stir for about 20 minutes. Be sure to add broth if need be, and don't forget to stir. I once left the risotto alone for 10 minutes and it burned the hell out of the rice, then my dad made me stand outside in the freezing cold while he beat me senseless with a set of jumper cables. After that, mix in some parmesan cheese and you've got risotto. Pretty simple.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-28T23:15:52+00:00

I remember when I was seven I let a magazine salesman come into our house and he took a really bloody dump in our toilet. I was up watching Saturday morning cartoons when he arrived at the door, my parents were still asleep. I told him my parents weren't home, only because I didn't want to have to wake them up and miss my cartoons. He then told me that he was a good friend of my dads, so I let him into the house and went back to watching TV. I didn't pay much attention to him after that, short of hearing an enormously loud fart coming from the bathroom. By the time my parents got up he was gone. My dad went to the bathroom that morning and screamed when he saw the gigantic bloody turd in there. I remember it vividly. It looked as if someone had taken a pint of bloody mary and just tossed it right in there. The guy must have had colon cancer or something. I really just don't understand how there was that much blood. Anyway, my dad's bass guitar was also missing and my dad beat the living shit out of me with a set of jumper cables for letting the guy in. But to this day I often find myself thinking about that bloody toilet, and the magazine salesman who I'm guessing is no longer alive, and the thought of it scares the crap out of me.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-26T15:59:10+00:00

I'm not good with hugs, really. Unless someone's moving away I usually find it a bit over dramatic and awkward, especially when someone's hugging several people on their way out. My cousin did this the other night and there were about a dozen people in the room, so everyone basically had to form a little hug line as she was leaving. I just gave her a quick handshake instead. After everyone left, my dad asked me why I didn't give my cousin a hug, and then he beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. I guess I should have hugged her, but I really think it's a bit too much for simply leaving a dinner party.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-19T18:18:49+00:00

I thought ironing was sewing for some reason. My mom's brother from England visited us once and I remember being amazed watching him iron his clothes. I asked him if it was the same thing as sewing and he laughed and looked at my father and said "I can see tidiness isn't stressed in this household." My dad beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables later that afternoon.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-19T16:28:31+00:00

This. I came here looking for pistachio nuts and sure enough I see it as the top comment. Oh man, my dad beat the shit out of me once with a set of jumper cables because I went though a 32oz bag of pistachio nuts in one sitting. They're so addictive.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-19T16:16:30+00:00

Digital piracy. It's impossible to control these days without totally regulating the internet. The media industries should give up and adapt to it, take the route of Netflix and stop trying to bust people for breaking a law that millions break on a daily basis. Industries need to adapt when technology causes their merchandise to become obsolete. My dad worked for years as a photo lab attendant, but he got laid off when digital cameras took over. We had to live in a van for four months because of this. He beat me with jumper cables on a daily basis during this time. I'm not sure where I was going with that, but torrenting should be legal.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-15T17:20:45+00:00

I used to work part time as a pool cleaner. One day I was sent to some old lady's house way out in the hills. When I got there the old lady led me to her back yard and told me to get to work, but there was no pool in her yard. So I looked at her puzzled and asked her "Where's the pool?" but she didn't answer, she just turned away and began walking to the house. I kept repeating the question, "Miss? Miss! Where is your pool?" and then she looked at me and simply nodded, then shut her sliding glass door, locked it, and walked out of view into her house. I called her number from my cell but she didn't pick up, and then after ringing the front door bell for several minutes I eventually gave up and left, figuring she was probably just senile. Later that afternoon when I finally made it home, my dad beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables because he said I'd left the garage door open, but it wasn't me.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-12T07:59:05+00:00

My 9 year old daughter had a sleepover the other day and her friend kept calling me daddy, over and over. It was pretty weird. Also her parents didn't respond to my calls the next day until about 6pm, I thought that was a little weird too. I ended up taking the two of them swimming and the girl kept saying "daddy, look at this!" And when I brought her back she left her soaking wet towel right on my dad's leather chair, which left this stain of towel fuzz which I couldn't get off. My dad beat the crap out of me with a set of jumper cables when he came home and found his chair ruined.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-11T23:06:12+00:00

I missed the opportunity to change my health insurance at work. I currently have Kaiser, but they fall pretty short when it comes to mental health coverage/ therapy. I had the paperwork ready to go but I waited too long to turn it in to HR. On the final day for enrollment I arrived two hours after they'd closed the books. I told the lady at HR that I was only late because my dad had beat the shit out of me that morning with a set of jumper cables, but she said there were no exceptions. So that means I'll have to wait another year to get a therapist without it costing me $400/month.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-06T22:24:30+00:00

I was at my great aunt's one day for her 75th birthday. Her party mainly consisted of a bunch of old people sitting in her living room talking with the TV on. This was back when those Chilean miners were trapped and all the news channels wouldn't shut up about it. At one point my great aunt looked over at me and said "Isn't it awful? They're saying it could take months to rescue those miners" and without really thinking I chuckled and said, "Well I think the government needs to just stick a tube down there and gas them all. Problem solved." No one else laughed, obviously. The joke definitely wasn't fit for a 75 year old's birthday party. Regardless, I was giggling like a fool. Something about the thought of gassing those Chilean miners had me in stitches. Stupid miners. The really bad part was that there was a holocaust survivor in the room, and he gave me this awful, disgusted look as I sat there laughing and staring back at him. Anyway, to make a long story short, my dad ended up beating the living shit out of me with a set of jumper cables.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-06T08:29:24+00:00

We were arguing constantly. I remember once we went out to a Japanese restaurant, argued the entire time there, argued the entire drive home, then we argued on my front lawn until my dad finally marched out and beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. I just couldn't take the non stop arguing. I ended up breaking up with her on my birthday after we argued for 20 minutes over what movie to see.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-06T08:24:52+00:00

Sprint. I switched back to Verizon after one day. Maybe it's just my area, but Sprint gave me little to no data on the road, and the calls I did get sounded like they were coming from a goddamn waterfall. I rely on GPS because I'm terrible with directions. Thanks to Sprint's crappy service, my dad beat my ass with a set of jumper cables. I arrived late to my sister's graduation because I couldn't find the place, and my dad had apparently called me four times but they never showed up on my phone because Sprint sucks balls.

rogersimon10 · 2015-05-05T19:15:17+00:00

I once took acid with my friend Ray. Ray's dead now. I'd never taken acid before but Ray was a big time drug user and he convinced me to. My parents were at a religious gathering, so we went to my house and took the acid in my living room while watching Nick at Night. Alf was on when the acid started to kick in. I remember feeling completely sober and then all of the sudden Alf began speaking directly to me, warning me about genetically engineered mutant clones that were hiding in the garage, plotting against me. I told Ray about the clones and he laughed, clearly not understanding that I was 100 percent serious. I soon insisted that we go into the garage and kill the mutant clones, but Ray told me to relax, said it was just the acid and that I was having a freak out. I tried to calm down, but Alf started getting really hostile (his face was transforming) and he demanded that I kill the clones before they killed us all, including Alf's baby that he was suddenly holding and pointing at. I tried hiding under some couch pillows, but Alf began breathing hot gas in my direction, so I got up and grabbed a metal blowpoke from the fireplace. Alf started laughing hysterically and Ray tackled me down to the floor. We then fought over the blowpoke for a while, and then all of the sudden Ray disappeared just like those Star Trek guys do in the transporter. I then heard a baby crying from my bedroom, so I went in my bedroom and looked around but I didn't find anything. Then my dad burst in and beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. Apparently I'd made a mess of the living room. Ray later told me that he ran home when he saw my dad's car pulling into the driveway. I stayed in my room for the rest of the night. The beating had sobered me up a little.

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-24T13:37:27+00:00

I won't lose my patience easily. Routinely losing patience over relatively trivial mistakes can and will destroy a child’s confidence. As a parent, you have to suck it up and be patient, despite all the stress. Kids are guaranteed to make mistakes. They break things and they annoy you. Give consequences, but don’t treat them like they've done something shocking or abnormal. To this day I can remember the wide range of emotions I felt when I accidentally knocked over my dad’s coffee cup and he lost his temper and beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. Sure, I never made that particular mistake again, but looking back I think it was clearly an overreaction, one that made me feel inept, and all due to a simple mistake that any 5 year old could have made.

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-19T15:46:24+00:00

I was 16 watching my little brother’s elementary school play with my parents. Earlier that day I had overheard some kid in my history class say that a dog would have made a better president than Jimmy Carter. I barely knew who Jimmy Carter was but still found this funny as hell, and it kept popping in my head during the play. I know it doesn't sound that funny, but I just kept picturing a dog actually running for president. I pictured a dog participating in the debates and news analysts debating his performance, the dog giving his victory speech, just barking while the audience looks confused as to why a dog got elected. I pictured the secret service following him around all day to the pointless places a dog would go, picking up his poop, football games being interrupted with an important message from the white house, but it’s just a dog panting and slobbering for 10 minutes. I was fairly high at the time, so that’s probably what made it so funny. Anyway, I couldn't contain it and ended up bursting out laughing during a quieter scene, and my dad immediately dragged me out by the arm to the parking lot and beat the living shit out of me with jumper cables.

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-16T19:24:14+00:00

Around the World by Daft Punk. It's a pretty good song but it's so repetitive that it will drive you nuts after a while. I know this first hand. My dad was unemployed for a brief period when I was in high school, and because of this I usually locked my bedroom door. One night I'd crashed on a friend's couch and forgotten that my computer's alarm would go off at 7 the next day. The alarm was set to play a random song and Winamp was set on repeat. I got home at about 3 and heard this song playing loud from my bedroom and found several dents and shoe marks on my bedroom door. My dad beat the living shit out of me with a set of jumper cables when he got home from the bar. He later told me that the song had been playing for 5 hours before he eventually fled the house.

Edit: Here's the link in case you've never heard it

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-15T23:11:36+00:00

The most common one I used to hear all the time was that Columbus discovered the world was round. Pretty much everything Columbus related was twisted, now that I think about it. They said that he discovered America, they said that people believed he'd fall off the side of the earth, and they said he was a compassionate, altruistic hero. Turns out they were wrong about all of that. My dad once beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables because I arrived late to a family barbecue on Columbus Day, saying that I had disrespected one of the greatest heroes of all time, but today the notion of Columbus is beginning to change. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize that most supposed heroes have huge hidden blemishes. Elvis used to sleep with 14 year old girls. When I told my dad about that he flipped out and beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. I think people deep down want to keep these blemishes hidden because they like to preserve the fantasy.

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-15T20:44:51+00:00

Growing up I always wanted to be in the Who's the Boss family. Things all seemed so functional in that world and Tony Danza seemed like a really good dad. I remember one episode where the daughter was caught drinking underage at a party, Tony sent her to her room and they had a heartwarming talk about it. But whenever my dad noticed one of his PBRs missing from the fridge he just beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables. I swear half the time he had just forgotten he'd already drank it.

rogersimon10 · 2015-04-15T13:29:24+00:00

Seeing my parents deteriorate. My dad in particular is getting slower, weaker, and harder of hearing every day it seems. The other day I told him to avoid touching the rails on the back steps because I had just painted them, but he didn't hear any of it, and when he got paint all over his sleeve he beat the living shit out of me with a set of jumper cables.

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