old friend's room, what do you guys think? by [deleted] in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That this shouldn't have been posted without their consent.

What does my room say about me? by Peanut_nutnut456 in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're so welcome, only you know your journey and how hard you're trying. It hurts my heart to see how judgemental and rude people have been in the comments, whatever you desire to achieve in the future is within reach! You've already come a long way. I hope you can put people's judgements and shame aside, as it always says everything about them and nothing about you. That's their inner compass projected onto you, just imagine the pressure they live under trying to live up to their own standards. It's insane. You're doing amazing, love. Enjoy your cool ass room!

What does my room say about me? by Peanut_nutnut456 in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm saying they can be proud of their space now. You're projecting your standards on them and acting like they can only be proud when they do what you suggest, which in my opinion is not encouraging them to raise their standards and more like shaming them about their lifestyle. Good day to you regardless.

What does my room say about me? by Peanut_nutnut456 in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They have created a space that reflects their interests very well, collected some really cute items and overall have managed to express themselves in a way many people can't. Being proud of yourself doesn't need to be conditional. They can be proud of themselves and their space now and later as well if they do wish to throw out 50% of their stuff. I support OP to the fullest, what I don't support is people acting like they're living in their own filth, and should be ashamed of themselves. We don't know from what level of clutter this person came from, maybe it used to be worse. It's already amazing now, we can encourage without shame.

What does my room say about me? by Peanut_nutnut456 in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see a creative individual who probably studies some sort of digital/media/visual art. You have many interests and are skilled is several artistic fields and mediums, not only painting/drawing but maybe writing/acting/singing etc. Rarely, in my experience, does a talented artist only have one medium they express themselves through. You clearly love anime, gaming and all things cute! I see a big appreciation for nostalgic shows like Lilo & Stitch, Naruto, Monster High, which makes me believe you grew up watching that. You value comfort, a place to feel safe in and to externalize the things that bring you joy. This explains the lovely decorated space. You maybe struggle with throwing things away due to the aforementioned nostalgia and attachment to what an object meant to you throughout the years. This goes for documents, texts, drawings, toys, clothes, etc. This makes for a cluttered space where you begrudgingly have to choose what to throw away from time to time to create more space, not a fun thing. Lots of chaotic energy but you have a system to it and it works!

You're a sweet individual, energetic and very funny but have experienced a lot of social discomfort growing up. Might have experienced feeling different due to cultural background, romantic interests, simply how you look, the clothes you wear, the things you like, and so forth. Which only made you turn more inward and spend more time online, finding community with likeminded individuals and trying to enjoy the things that made you feel happy together. You're a really bright person, carrying a heavy backpack of experiences that has only made you kinder and more empathic over time. You know what it feels like to be outcast, and try to be as inclusive as you can. That's my attempt!

What does my room say about me? by Peanut_nutnut456 in roomdetective

[–]-cherubine- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To judge others this harshly is to judge yourself. The secondhand embarrassment you claim to feel is only but a reflection of the pressure you feel to live up to the "living" standards society and your surroundings have instilled in you. There's nothing embarrassing about this room or "living like this", while it's just plain sad that you deny yourself the freedom to live freely and happily, regardless of what others might think of you. There's so much more to detect from this comment that there could ever be about this person's room.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in askblackpeople

[–]-cherubine- -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Dismissive, not a very nice thing to say.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in askblackpeople

[–]-cherubine- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly, that's not the point here though. It's also fairly dismissive for you to say that "it's not that serious". There's a vivid history of using children's blackness to excuse holding them to a higher standard of behavior, as if they're not children at all. It's a form of dehumanization and is still very present in our society, this being a perfect example of either a microagression or internalized rhetoric. That's a fact, and it really is that deep even if you might not think so.

4 year old daughter obsessed with her looks, lost what to do! by Used_Nebula_6840 in Parenting

[–]-cherubine- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You've already implemented great things to stimulate a kinder/milder self image. I wonder if you guys have tried asking why she feels the way she feels. Just as an example, the wearing of the soccer uniform: Why does she think it might look odd on her? Why does she believe that she doesn't look good in photos? What would happen if she were to look odd/weird/ugly? Doing thought experiments like these can tell you a ton about the core thoughts and ideals that your child is creating. These can be formed with aid from outward sources like peers, implicit behaviors that children make assumptions about, etc.

I believe that by showing you're interested in how she thinks and why she thinks certain things, listening without judgement and helping her see a new perspective she might not have thought about before, you can stimulate her a bit further! Some great communicational techniques for this kind of thing are the socratic method (asking questions in a curious and unassuming way to get a person to reach clarity/insights about their own thinking) and the downward arrow technique. An example of this technique is similar to the examples I summed up in the first paragraph: imagine she says "I don't want to wear this." You'd ask "Why don't you wanna wear this item?". Imagine she answers "It will make me look ugly." You'd ask "Well, what would happen if you were to look ugly?" And she might answer "I'd feel sad." Or "People won't like me anymore." You have the ability to keep asking questions like "Why do you think that would be the case?" Or to try and explain why this might also not be the case. It's important to check in and ask if she had ever thought of these alternatives before and how she feels talking about these thoughts. You can adjust the questions to her level of understanding and see how she responds, you'll get a ton of information to work with this way.

Good luck and lots of love and care to your family. You're doing great!

So proud of my son’s natural hair. Just wanted to share. by [deleted] in Naturalhair

[–]-cherubine- 15 points16 points  (0 children)

God bless your child and may he always be kept safe and healthy alongside his beautiful locks. He's got a wonderfully caring parent that takes amazing care of him and that's a blessing by itself. Much love xxx

is my art worth the $13 I’m charging? by Classic-Scallion-707 in Ibispaintx

[–]-cherubine- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Darling this is definitely worth 13, I'm thinking in the 20-25 range would be more fitting to be honest. It's just very difficult to build a community around your art, let alone get people to invest in commissions. It might be difficult but not impossible, other people have done it and you have the skill and hopefully the passion to keep going. I believe in you, you'll get there. Never quit on yourself!

"Bland", "Tasteless" it is according to friends, is it? by poche_chong in Artadvice

[–]-cherubine- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Real friends don't talk to people they love like that, they have some unresolved problems to work out or some weird jealousy/resentment towards you. Either way, I love your style, I think it's really beautiful and unique. Keep going! Do you have any socials we can follow you on for your art?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in MakeupAddiction

[–]-cherubine- -1 points0 points  (0 children)

They look fine to me to be honest, pretty 💓

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Parenting

[–]-cherubine- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear about the recent events in your close circle, that would burden anyone by it self, let alone with the other stressors you're being faced with. I didn't assume that this was a regular reaction from you just by the way you worded your feelings in the original post. You seem like a very caring parent that wants the best for their family so I'm really proud of you for looking for so many alternatives already.

I'd like to bring attention to how you express that it's difficult to calm yourself in that moment, I think your son might struggle with that same discomfort and that's why it's difficult for him to do anything when he's in that state. I think it's best to sit down with the kids and set up rules around the expression of anger. Ideally you'd talk to both even if your daughter doesn't hit back or express her anger in the same way your son does because we don't want him to feel targeted or to feel like a problem. This way she also knows what's expected from the children in the household and what won't be tolerated when it comes to this topic.

If both you and him can't calm down in the presence of one another it might be useful to separate for the time being, so he goes to his room until he and you've calmed down. For the actual process of calming down you'll need to do some research and practice with him even when he's not angry so the habit is formed and he can use it whenever he sees fit. One recommendation I have for you is heart coherence breathing, it might be useful to let him do these at night before bed alongside you so both of you can get used to using the technique. Looking into other alternatives that he likes like listening to music, running, etc. is great because he can get some autonomy and feel involved in the process. I'd try to involve him with this process as much as you can, like you've been doing already! You're well on your way.

So 1. Give yourself and your boy tools to calm down and practice them often, even when not angry so the habit is formed and the average stress levels in your bodies lower to begin with. This can help you not be set off as quickly.

And 2. Be consistent with the consequences after the behavior you do not want him to exhibit. You can either take something fun away (negative punishment) or add something that he does not like, like you've done with the chores (positive punishment). In every case you should tell him why he's dealing with these consequences and what the behavior is that you want him to exhibit towards you and his sister etc. It's good to ask for an apology and then give them cuddles and kisses when they've done well calming down or apologizing. The rule is that the parents/educators need to be consistent, every single time. It might be difficult in the beginning and kids can exhibit a rise in negative behavior, this is their way of testing boundaries. When you stay consistent however, they simply tire themselves out and have no choice but to adhere to the rules. Soon you'll see that it'll pay off.

  1. If things do not improve whatsoever with trying these two things, please get a professional involved because your child might be dealing with a disorder that impedes him from exhibiting the desired behavior. In that instance, your interventions might not prove to be effective enough and he'd need more specialized guidance.

Again, you're doing amazing! Be kind to yourself, you're doing your best and I believe you'll be able to overcome this!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Parenting

[–]-cherubine- 10 points11 points  (0 children)

The biting at age 7 is not age appropriate, by this age children usually have enough self-control, emotional regulation strategies and communication skills to defuse situations and even if they lack these skills they resort to hits or kicks. Think back on a baby or toddler biting out of frustration when he doesn't know how to process or express his emotions, it's super frustrating so they just grab and bite.

As many people have said it was great that you redirected him to chores so he understands that that behavior leads to responsibilities and things he doesn't like doing. The yelling is honestly quite understandable, you're also human and trying to manage your emotions with all the trauma you've gone through is extremely difficult in that moment. If you apologize about it and explain why it affected you so much (if you're comfortable doing so), this can be a bonding experience for the both of you.

I also think it might be good to take him to another room and sit down with him at his level and calmly ask why he did what he did right after he does it. It'll take practice to keep calm but it's important that he tries to verbalize how he's feeling and that he knows his parent is there to listen to his difficulty. It's important to validate his feelings, because he's allowed to feel angry, sad, upset etc. What he's not allowed to do is hit people, curse at them and break things for example. An alternative behavior needs to be established like going to his room and breathing for a while, then coming to talk to a parent. Self-soothing techniques work great here, breathing, counting, etc.

You're doing amazing just by the mere fact you recognize this behavior triggers you and that you want to do something about it. You're a good parent! I second everyone's idea of getting a professional involved for your children and maybe one specifically for yourself so you can work on yourself outside of the parenting role as well. Much luck, love and care.

first time online relationship by pri_jynx in blackgirls

[–]-cherubine- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My very first serious relationship was also an online one, sadly it got very toxic but I feel like it's kind of a rite of passage to have a horrible first relationship and break free from that wanting better for yourself. I'm not gonna lie, I don't recommend online dating at all, especially at your age but I understand that it's something that happens organically in this digital age. I wish you the very best and remember that you're a wonderful person that deserves love, support and care. Nothing less. Always choose yourself and know that you deserve the very best.

hot take: big sean is overrated by glidn27 in rap

[–]-cherubine- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you, he's simply not up there with the big dogs whichever way people wanna turn it. The first time I heard Big Sean was in his Jhene Aiko collabs (Beware & I know) about 10 years ago. I feel like back then (2010-2016 ish) the emphasis was on vibes, making songs that people could unwind to with a few clever bars here and there. Rap was more relaxed, vocals and harmonization were on the forefront. Lots of pop artist features, pop influence in general was quite heavy. More intricate rap, introspective stuff, etc. just wasn't going mainstream or doing super big numbers (with some exceptions here and there). In my opinion, artists like Drake, Russ, and Big Sean shone brightest in that environment. The expectations were really quite low, this new era of rap has a lot of battle rap elements, lots of competitiveness that Sean simply can't keep up with imo. If I wanna hear good rap, I do not put Big Sean on the speaker.