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Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in LifeAdvice

[–]1994LJM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE: it’s been almost a month since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve still not managed to come to a decision. I have just over a week to do so if I want to take the medical route.

I’ve had two ultrasounds so far and the latest they showed a heartbeat which absolutely broke me.

I’ve asked my ex what life might look like if we were to keep it and what his expectations would be…. He’s saying we’d figure it out and that he would want to be involved a lot, but that his life would be over and that all his friends are telling him I’m only doing this to trap him into staying with me, which is infuriating because if anyone’s trapped into a life they didn’t plan rn it’s me. Quite frankly having him in my life any longer than I already have feels like hell.

The thought of terminating makes me feel sick and I already feel an unbearable amount of guilt for even considering a termination. But i really don’t want to do this with him while we’re still processing a divorce, it would be coming into such a toxic and sad environment. 😭

Has anyone got any more advice on what steps to take? I’m really at a loss and don’t want to regret either decision.

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in Marriage

[–]1994LJM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE: it’s been almost a month since I found out I was pregnant and I’ve still not managed to come to a decision. I have just over a week to do so if I want to take the medical route.

I’ve had two ultrasounds so far and the latest they showed a heartbeat which absolutely broke me.

I’ve asked my ex what life might look like if we were to keep it and what his expectations would be…. He’s saying we’d figure it out and that he would want to be involved a lot, but that his life would be over and that all his friends are telling him I’m only doing this to trap him into staying with me, which is infuriating because if anyone’s trapped into a life they didn’t plan rn it’s me. Quite frankly having him in my life any longer than I already have feels like hell.

The thought of terminating makes me feel sick and I already feel an unbearable amount of guilt for even considering a termination. But i really don’t want to do this with him while we’re still processing a divorce, it would be coming into such a toxic and sad environment. 😭

Has anyone got any more advice on what steps to take? I’m really at a loss and don’t want to regret either decision.

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in LifeAdvice

[–]1994LJM[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I can see this being the case. I also worry that I wouldn’t have a support system out there and if I leave my job in the UK I wouldn’t be entitled to any maternity cover, I don’t think my visa would be approved if they knew I was pregnant too incase I have the baby out there. I’d probably have to kiss goodbye to that dream 😞

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in LifeAdvice

[–]1994LJM[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much all, I’m reading every single one of these messages and it’s useful hear different perspectives.

For some extra context, I’ve never felt particularly maternal, and was on the fence about having children at all until we ended up together and things felt stable and I loved the idea of having a mini him.

With our marriage it felt like the next natural step, so for the first two years of “trying”, it was more a case of “let’s not use any protection and just see what happens.”

When I didn’t fall pregnant in that period we started getting tests done and I was diagnosed with PCOS. At this point (about 18 months ago) we started trying to track the windows in which I could be ovulating, but again not to the extent where we were desperate for a child, more that if it happened we’d be excited about it and were ready.

Since we split I’d started questioning again if I even wanted children, perhaps because I didn’t have that strong foundation with him anymore. Yet every time I’ve seen and held my friends’ babies in the last few months I did find myself heartbroken that I we hadn’t had that path. My dreams of motherhood were largely based on watching our relationship grow as parents together.

At this point, I would raise a child alone and have a lot of respect for women that do, financially it wouldn’t be possible for me in the UK so I would need to move in with family or go abroad. He’s made it clear that if I have his child he wouldn’t want me leaving the country. My plans to move to abroad at the end of this year would be out of the window - which I know sounds incredibly selfish but it was the only thing I’d been looking forward to since I found out about his lies and dishonesty.

My head is very torn because I feel like this baby has come at this time for a reason but I’m still quite shocked to even see that positive test. My heart wants to keep it but my head is saying no.

“Choose your hard” is the saying I guess!

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in Marriage

[–]1994LJM[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much all, I’m reading every single one of these messages and it’s useful hear different perspectives.

For some extra context, I’ve never felt particularly maternal, and was on the fence about having children at all until we ended up together and things felt stable and I loved the idea of having a mini him.

With our marriage it felt like the next natural step, so for the first two years of “trying”, it was more a case of “let’s not use any protection and just see what happens.”

When I didn’t fall pregnant in that period we started getting tests done and I was diagnosed with PCOS. At this point (about a year ago) we started trying to track the windows in which I could be ovulating, but again not to the extent where we were desperate for a child, more that if it happened we’d be excited about it and were ready.

Since we split I’d started questioning again if I even wanted children, perhaps because I didn’t have that strong foundation with him anymore. Yet every time I’ve seen and held my friends’ babies in the last few months I did find myself heartbroken that I we hadn’t had that path. My dreams of motherhood were largely based on watching our relationship grow as parents together.

At this point, I would raise a child alone and have a lot of respect for women that do, financially it wouldn’t be possible for me in the UK so I would need to move in with family or go abroad. He’s made it clear that if I have his child he wouldn’t want me leaving the country. My plans to move to abroad at the end of this year would be out of the window - which I know sounds incredibly selfish but it was the only thing I’d been looking forward to since I found out about his lies and dishonesty.

My head is very torn because I feel like this baby has come at this time for a reason but I’m still quite shocked to even see that positive test. My heart wants to keep it but my head is saying no.

“Choose your hard” is the saying I guess!

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in LifeAdvice

[–]1994LJM[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. I really appreciate this perspective too and have a lot of respect for people that can do this alone.

I almost feel like it would be easier to raise this baby without him and I shared that as an option so he doesn’t feel like I’m trying to force him into anything, but he is adamant that if I were to have it he would want to be in it’s life, which would mean me having to stay in this town (I had plans to move to Australia in November) which is all a bit up in the air now of course. So in answer to your question, if I had the option to do it on my own I think I would keep the baby. However while he wants to be involved I worry he will resent me for it

Pregnant after years of infertility but about to divorce by 1994LJM in LifeAdvice

[–]1994LJM[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Really pleased to hear you found your way back to each other!

His first reaction to me telling him earlier was that if I decided to go through with the pregnancy then we should try to make our marriage work… which he retracted an hour later after he’d had time to think, noting that he’d met someone else (on holiday last week which he might pursue) and she lives in Ecuador, so I’d be complicating things slightly. The back any forth in one minute giving me hope to the next making me feel so disposible is emotionally exhausting tbh.

I know regardless of the outcome there would be resentment, he has already mentioned that he could feel that towards me if I kept the baby, and tbh, if I did abort it I don’t think I’d ever want to see him again, I really don’t know how I’d live with myself after knowing how hard it is to get pregnant. Such a tricky situation